Crap.

I wanted to ask friday for Carson to come to the play with me, in fact, I was planning on surprising him. I was going to tell him tomorrow afternoon that I had a ticket with his name on it. actually I was planning it more like this

T15WIT: hi
Capra Sesso Uomo: hey
T15WIT: Wanna go on one more last bus ride to coastal?

Or something like that...but of course, Sara called me doing this number

"Hey! Are you going to see Batboy tomorrow?"

I love Sara, I do. But I'm gonna see her and Jennifer Saturday at Ben's b-day party..I just..want some time alone with Carson...keerap...

And then I told mom this and she was like "Well, you might not be able to even go to Ben's party because your father and I want to see that play on Saturday, and we need you to babysit."

Which actually would be okay because I have to do homework..

although...I wonder if I should do some courses because I'm leaving SA...hmm...I'll have to ask Ms. Maxey...


Going next Wednesday to my highschool with Ms. Joyce Jackson to check out my classes..

was told by some drama kids that Ms. Adams is a biotch and Mr. Simon is a sweetie.

Hmm, guess I'll find out


Meh, I need rest, or a Carson, that would be lovely too..


Times I've sneezed during this writing: 11 (Yup, I counted)

Singer I've been listening to during this post: Diana Krall

If I could have anything in the world..yeah, we all know that one already

*sneeze*

damn.

Goodnite all adieu adieu

A Compilation

The following is a compilation of some old word documents from last year:

Too shy.

Too goddamn shy,
To tell you how I feel,
Curse myself,
I feel like shit,
Mentally, physically, and definitely emotionally,
I want to cry,
But I can’t,
I won’t,
I’m not about to do that,
The music stopped,
Why are you still here?
Can’t you see I’m in misery?
Be ridden of yourself,
I want to tell you,
But I won’t,
I can’t,
I love you so much,
And yet I scorn you away,
Too shy for you to see who I really am,
Someone save me.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

T15WIT: disconnection
T15WIT: I lost our entire conversation
RieBeam2: I have it.
T15WIT: Okay say the last thing you said
RieBeam2: I'll send you everything
T15WIT: improbable and we'll go from ther...
T15WIT: dammit, I just got back from work, sheesh you can tell
RieBeam2: That's my last sentence
T15WIT: okay well here um
T15WIT: nvm
T15WIT: Listen
T15WIT: I want to come to a conclusion
RieBeam2: I am.
T15WIT: I want a solution, an answer
T15WIT: before I go to bed
RieBeam2: I know you do.
T15WIT: I need some rest, I've been an insomniac lately and its hitting me
T15WIT: now
RieBeam2: And from what I've seen, if you want the truth, you won't be happy. So break up, and be done with it.
T15WIT: Will you still send me the convo? I'm a bitch
T15WIT: Okay
T15WIT: Break up
RieBeam2: I tried, but I got the "Software Not Supported"
T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you.
RieBeam2: So I'll use e-mail
T15WIT: Okay
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, I don't want to break up with you.
T15WIT: Carson True, I don't want to either.
T15WIT: But I still will.
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, then why?
T15WIT: Carson, I honestly don't know, but I still will.
T15WIT: Does it always need an answer?
RieBeam2: You said you needed an answer.
RieBeam2: So do you?
T15WIT: My answer: I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.
RieBeam2: Well, damn. I tried. I love you, but if this is what you want, this is what you'll have.
T15WIT: You tried
T15WIT: Yes, you did
T15WIT: and you're right, I
T15WIT: I'm ought to leave now
T15WIT: *I
RieBeam2: I'm going to go pity myself now.
RieBeam2: Adios, Tory.
T15WIT: Go for it
Me: Goodbye, Carson.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Is The World Demoralizing?

I will sometimes look at today’s society and wonder “Was the world different from before?” I suppose it is seeing that I have read many history text books and



My view on the world: Cleanliness is better than it ever was, but everyone is having too much knowledge and getting all cynical.

I started with a topic on teen suicide, then it went to how everyone is talking more openly about their lives, and then it changed to the world demoralizing, but then I thought of how it is way more clean and hygienic than it was before.

Ms. Maxey, I don’t really exactly know what you’re asking for us here I mean nothing of big importance is facing me in today or in the future. I am pretty much happy with my life, what exactly are you asking for here? Also, just, I don’t know, could you help me by describing a bit more what are you exactly asking for? I’m just a bit confused, thank you for helping me.

- Tory

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Most Important Values to Me
This is a compiled list of values that matter the most to me. Ms. Maxey, there is no way I could put these in order, they all mean a lot to me, but I have compiled a list of some values that mean more to me than others.

Influence- A good influence around you is the best thing to have; it creates and molds who you are and who you will be
Freedom to be an individual- This is important because you need to be recognized for who you are, not for another face in a crowd; you need that freedom to be yourself
Security- knowing that you are safe and that you will not be harmed from things as economic security to any terrorism; you need to know that you are safe
Moral Courage- To be courageous enough to show your morals and beliefs is important because everyone is different and your opinion and morals should count as well
Faith- To have faith in what you believe, who you are, and others is a big value I find important, because if you don’t have faith in yourself or anything else, then you will go nowhere
Freedom to vote- Once again, I believe that this is important because you need to show your own opinion and not let someone else decide for you
Personal Health- This is important to me because I care if I’m going to live a few extra years and see something that I might’ve missed if I didn’t live this long
Power to Make a Difference- I think it matters if you can make a difference with your life or not, it depends a lot on your decisions, and it is your life to make your difference, whether in yourself, or in your community, or in your world
Education- To know how things work, how our lives are to know everything is a serious thing that everyone should need. We should need to know, to learn, our world and what it is.
Strong in my beliefs-If you are strong in your beliefs than you will go far. If you follow your beliefs, and mold the world a little bit more to them then your life will be far better off

Those were the ones that made it out of a list of fifty values that I compiled, the rest are ones that I think are pretty important, but for only me.

Friends- Even I prefer to be better off alone at times, but loneliness is not human nature, companionship is needed from everyone, everyone needs someone
Excitement and adventure- To me, I could never live a dulling life. I have met people who have done the same thing for twenty years. I could never ever do that. My life needs adventure, and that’s just me.
Time for self- Sometimes the monotony of society can leave me exhausted. I just sometimes prefer to be alone and have time for myself.
A meaningful life- I don’t care if my life doesn’t make it into the history text books or is never mentioned again, but knowing that I’ve done about everything I could do, well, that’s just important to me, to know that my life was meaningful
Creativity- Creativity is important to me, to be creative and have an imagination and to be different, this is all important to me.
- Tory Richardson 4/20/04
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Poetry

As a young lover’s serenade
As a hipsta’s new renegade
The spouting off of beliefs
And the showing of some relief
When you show you are blue
When your emotions are true
Through the cries on a foggy night
To the words on a day so bright
So reach out and go for the goal
Poetry, its soul.

- Tory Richardson




Forget

She said to just forget her,
She said she,
Didn’t want to see me hurt like this,
She said to just lose all those memories,
Of time wasted asking silly questions,
And to just forget,
Having her in my arms,
How can you forget love,
When you’re still in it?




Your dirty charades of love
I don’t know how long I can take it

Speed demon on a straight country road
The moon still shined and the cock hadn’t crowed

Mirthless laughter in the darkest nights

How long is this supposed to last?
I love you, but do I?? How can some people live with themselves by cheating on one another in the game of love? How can they know they’re breaking someones heart?
Why did I yell at you? I’ll look silly asking for your forgiveness. I wish you would forgive me. I love you, but you and I and ..so confused. Love does that to me. Loneliness is not one that you will like after getting a taste of love and friendship. Why all this torment? Why, just why, so alone, so cold, so grey skies outside, so crowing of ravens when you told me that we should end it, and it was about to rain, so many memories, so many heartaches and tears, why? Twisted and tormented I silently weep myself to sleep, sleep, I need more of it, depraved of the world that is the only place I am happy, sleep. Music plays in the background, but I cannot hear it, its just a blur, my life is a blur, what can I do? Dark night it is, dark as the emptiness. The emptiness there is between us, the silence, the lies, the deceitfulness, my hands are callused with cracks and nothing will help them, my skin is breaking apart, like my soul. Stop it, please save me. Society. Society is disgusting me. Society is full of no true love, it is full of lies, apathy no caring, and no one is doing anything about it, perhaps it will end all soon and it will not tumble into its destiny of a crumbling inferno of hell. Save me, someone, save me. Is there a fine line between love and lust? I wish there wasn’t, so confused, the moon gives me light, I breathe slowly and look around. A beautiful life. And I’m still scared. Perhaps the sleep will give me a temporary escape to this nightmare.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

7:16 AM, March 2004

A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.


5:37 PM, March 1982


Well, this is it.

I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo




Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.



7:18 AM March, 2004

“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”

“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.

“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”

“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

And I'm still here...

Another nightmare last night.

it was late at nite, dad was in the mustang of the car searching for papers that this guy was looking for while miranda was talking to the guy, who didn't look that great..in fact he looked a bit creepy, max was bouncing a ball in the street, and I was sitting in the mini van looking for some papers too and I was in the passenger side. Then the guy picked up Miranda and somehow had her tied up, he was running towards my car, which was running, and he threw her in the back of the seat and he started driving and I tried to leave but he locked it and he ran over max..not a good ending, I was really creeped out, so goes to show my insomnia was terrible last nite after that one dream..

Okay, I'm glad I went to bed when I did, Ms. Penn didn't post anything till 12:30 at nite and it was "You people are a buncha drama nerds, go to bed. :p " So, I'm pretty glad I went to bed early, I needed some rest, and yeah, Carson's right, I should chill over him..interesting point about the perpendicular, it makes sense. Okay...and now I'm awake.

Yeah, I give up for tonite..

I still love you.


and..


I still want to know what I got audition wise..crap..


and..


I still should review for chemistry one more time...


but basically..


I still love him, and I wish he were here..

Okay, maybe I should get some rest

I'm just waiting for Carson to come on and for Ms. Penn to post the casting...


Okay, maybe I should wait till...10:45, then I go to bed..yeah that sounds good..

Listening of Sting, obviously

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold

Well, bloggy it seems that I was going to write a conversation of how lonely I was and how I missed carson, but he called

yeah...I felt nothing, meh I don't know I mean, I felt love, but...just nothing happened..

I told him to just leave and that I'll see him tomorrow and that I had homework to do, I lied, I have no homework, I would've loved to talk to him all nite, or at least let him know that I love him, but do I? Of course not, I act as if we we're being watched by everyone/everyone was listening. Would anyone give a fuck? Did they give a fuck when I kissed him? Well, other than that black dude who I assume has some power at the highschool...I forgot to say I love you..damn, too little too late, maybe I should call him, no stupid his parent's would flip. Did I do something wrong with this relationship? And like Carson asked, when did we become the old couple? Couples buying each other rings, three days and Tara has already made out with her man, me, took more like three weeks..others buying shit for each other only after four months, ten months and it looks like I haven't truly shown my affection towards him, just a dried white rose and a dead red one. Yeah, two roses, one of them his, and a letter. That's as far as I've ever gone for giving him stuff. I do love him. I love him a lot. He's a goof, geek, intelligent, mature, immature, spastic, calm and everything else kinda guy and I love every bit of it, well..not the part that sometimes dislikes me, but hey everyone has their fault. Great, now I have him out like some sorta schizo, he's not that either. He's..he is what he is, and like I said before, I love him for that. Ramblin' dammit, I screwed up..I've been screwing up a lot more than usual lately..I want to know what is the way to make him happy and keep him that way? nlt...well, even pervertedness only goes so far before masturbatin' just gets old..well, for me anyway, but that's not what I meant at first..maybe I should just be there. And why shouldn't I be there? Well, hell I need a life of my own, it's not like I'm married to the guy..just his girlfriend for..10 months, yeah 10 months, not alot to some, alot to others. I hope if he's cheating on me he'll tell me so at least I won't be wasting my time. Maybe I should stop talking about the fucking relationship like he does and focus on my life. Yeah, and then feel conceited.

Oh fuck it all. I'm too damn confusing for myself.

The beginning of my day was sucky/boorish, but this afternoon made up for it. I need to make out in public with Carson more. Pssh, yeah haha, like that'll ever happen. But really, today was pretty good on top of it all seeing that I auditioned with this funny guy, Zach Branch, cool kid, Anyway, here I am, desperately reviewing chemistry notes, and then stopping half way through to sip some hot cocoa. I worked out a bit today too, my arms are too fat, so I'm doing push-ups at home now, I'm also doin' sit-ups, woo, go me, I haven't been stating it on any blogspot/livejournal because I end up jinxing myself and not doing it, but I can successfully say I've done it a week now, yay, whoosh.

Now, if I only knew where Cars...erm, my reward I mean, is...

I'd be bored out of my wits right now if I had any.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meh, don' feel too good, might take something to help my stomach/head

goodnite world..I love my sister and brother

accidentally in love...

Prayer for the dying, by seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The season's are calling

Love is calling

Life is calling

Excuse me, I'm an actor.





Good day to you sir!

A Perfect Day

*sips tea*


Looking back on the day I have to say it was more or less perfect.


Thank you.

*sips tea*

So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home...

*I'm listening to the Stereophonics at the current time, and I love this song*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today...oh, today was busy. Too busy. All I want now is Carson. Of course, wanting will get me no where.

Wicker Park is a good movie..

I'm sleepy. and I need a hot bath too...or maybe all I need is Carson..I wish, I wish it were just him and I, alone far away, adults and free for what we want to do. No, I might wish it, but of course, even as older I'll be stupid and too wrapped up in Me. Tory Richardson. Always one of the people I hate who have cellphones and who care about only themselves and are always at meeting or going somewhere. Meh, maybe I've been wasting Carson's time. It's all been about me, Sure, all I want at the end of the day is to hold him. I've thought of it before, we both live in a small dinky apartment, we both work the regular schedule, and we both come home at night, just to hold each other, hoping for a future together. Also, the sorta take off on that, we're older, we now live in some place in Ireland, we're a bit richer, him a great writer, me, an irish soap star or something..or maybe just seeing the world with him. I love him. But, if he asked me now to leave this life behind, would I do it? No, of course not. I'm only 15, and even if I were older, even the dream would never come true. He'd want out quicker, he couldn't wait that long, for something that probably would never happen. Why? Why did I have to care about him in Amsterdam and stay up those nights seeing him dead in some gutter..Why did I have to fall in love? Such the wrong time to do so..probably the worst time to ever fall in love in this life and probably the worst person, but I don't care, I still do love him. Even if he does tire of me eventually, I'll stick until he gets sick of me never being there, always being away like the character I am. Oh Carson, where are you when I need you?

I still love you, if that means anything anymore.

Well, I just finished my History Test, now I have to write an essay for English and time it whilst doing so...eh

That and study for French, and I leave now for dance, I haven't had a dinner yet either and I'll be sweaty and need to take a shower... :(

Poop.

Well, I just finished my History Test, now I have to write an essay for English and time it whilst doing so...eh

That and study for French, and I leave now for dance, I haven't had a dinner yet either and I'll be sweaty and need to take a shower... :(

Poop.

Well, I just finished my History Test, now I have to write an essay for English and time it whilst doing so...eh

That and study for French, and I leave now for dance, I haven't had a dinner yet either and I'll be sweaty and need to take a shower... :(

Poop.

Poptartica

What is wrong with everybody?

Is it just me now that laughs at my jokes?

Am I the only one not changing?


And why is it that lately, whether my day has been good or bad, whenever I get around Carson, I just quickly change to neutral. I show no emotion, although I have tumults of it going on inside me, why is that?

And why is it that I have such a wonderful life? I seem to have one of the best's lifes in the world, why is that? Is there something bad going to happen later in life to make up for it? Or is there some purpose I should do to repay it?


Today, I felt like kicking the shit outta everyone, missed Carson..terribly, misseed the old Sara, missed Ben, felt happier than ever like I had one of the best lives in the world, was contemplative, was silly, wasn't silly, and was just there...

I don't know whether to hug or scorn anyone, nor do I know whether to embrace this life with joy, or to feel pain and sorrow or some shit, why am I getting poetic?


I want to go back to the dance room, oh yeah I was also embarrassed today as well, having girls I used to have dance classes with be the assistant teacher for my dance class, creepy eh? Although, I don't mind too much, I'm not in dance for the competition, I'm in because..well, I love to dance, it's nice. Sorta the same thing with acting, I just love to act, I'm not in it for the money, nor the fame, just cause I like to act, to sing, to dance...yep


French Class was good today too, and yes, I did get a C- on my en...oh shit, I better work on that essay, that'll surely kill this insomnia.

That and I need to burn Carson a Moby Cd...and give him a hug..if I ever get the courage to do it..

Cynics Sneer,
at Fairy tales,
They mock love,
and all its details

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yup, like I assumed, a C- on my english report, I'm going to go now, I won't be online for tonite I believe, seeing that tonite needs some more great ass kickin' well..I'm off!

Adieu.

What's the use in clinging to something that doesn't care about you anymore?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Searching for something that isn't there and once was

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won't be able to bring it back will it I?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Last nite was a great nite bonding wise with my mom. Actually today was a great bonding day with her too. She makes me feel so good, she loves me and I love talking to her. She understands my humour. Is it sad when one of your best friends is your mom? Are you not supposed to know that she had sex before marriage? Or that she smoked shit before? Are you supposed to know that? Aren't you two not supposed to like the same music and movies? She makes me think I could be anything, she says how I would be great at writing sitcoms, *Pssh, yeah one that would get cancelled after the first showing* I used to love to write, but compared to others, I'm non-creative and everything. She knows that I beat myself up, and she wonders why I do that, and she loves me and makes me laugh when I feel like I'm going to cry. I love her. And, at this moment, I feel like she's the only one who does care, and I love her for that.


Thanks, mom.

An Awakening

I wanna wake up where you are

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up, and something hit me. I feel happier than I've been in a long time. It's a beautiful world, and it's time I get off my ass and I go out and appreciate it and make a day a good day. So today, my mom and I are supposed to do something, I don't care for shopping nor movies, quite sick of the two, so I proposed and we're going to Wilmington. We can eat downtown Wilmington, and then we can drive to southport, *not the southport ferry, just drive to a side of it* and we can look at the art galleries, hell even if everything is closed for labor day, I don't give a shit, because I'm happy, and I have one of the best lives ever.


Thanks to everyone who helped me figure this out.

Her mind is set on madness, her mouth tooth decay~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Autumn's coming, I miss these things:

Going on the ferry like I used to a lot and then going to the aquarium and that funky battle field no one goes to,

Going to that tea shop which is the best feeling ever walking out from a cold grey day into a cozy hit of warmth into your face and those different smells of herbs

Going to Southern Market for a dinner

Halloween..defenitely halloween

have a murder mystery dinner

Eating pumpkin seeds

Basically chillin' with mah peeps

and I definitely miss..

wearing long sleeved shirts and pants and my jacket..

*breathes in air*


What a world...

Broadway is dark tonite,
See the young man sitting in the old man's bar,
waiting for his turn to die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked to my mother last nite about how I don't know if I want to leave Scholar's Academy or not. I know that she wants me to stay because it's a good opportunity and she was never given anything free in her life and I should be lucky and etc. I told her how I feel swamped and it being the first week of school and how I miss everyone and feel lonely. She gave an explanation that maybe I'm not really swamped with work, but just being overdramatic and I saw a glimpse of everything we're gonna do and I was overwhelmed. She also made a good point that I'd be miserable if I had no classes with any of my friends if I went back to the highschool, and that I would be surrounded by durrs and I would hate them because it would all be a popularity contest. She also suggested that maybe it's time for me to move on, to make new friends at Scholar's Academy and so on. To be honest, I could never do that. The only few reasonable people would be Stacey, Valerie, and Jennifer. Val and Jen seem to just..wanna be alone like a tight relationship, I don't want to mess with them. And Stacey might be a bit evil, but she has her own group of Devon and Michelle and Chelsea...eh, not my type of group honestly, just...not me I guess. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Sara told me I should best leave now, but mom said that I should stay a few weeks and just check it out, see how bad it is. I miss..something..I don't know quite what. It is a wonderful opportunity. Yet, Sara did make a good point, I'm only a teen for a while, whether that's good or not, I don't know. I'll stick with it for another week and see if I could be able to survive this...

Other than that, I pulled an all nighter last night on retyping 20 double entry journals and an essay, probably will get a "C" on them.

Also, mom is going to get me an appointment at a doctor to check out my eating habits, for some odd reason since like January just the sight of food in the morning makes me want to vomit. I don't know why, around 10 AM I can look at it, but there's no way I could keep it down, and around lunch time, I can eat, if I want to that is, sometimes I skip lunch too, but not that often.

I'm peeved. Mom said I could watch Siddhartha tonite, of course, then her and dad had unexpected guests they gladly went to some fine italian dinner to...I hate it, they forget to mention us, the guests came over and acted surprised there were children there. God, I sometimes feel like M&M's mom, not lately, but I used to all the time.

Oh well...another day gone from my life..and what have I gained? A day of worthless knowledge and procrastination, maybe I should focus more on gaining nirvana, or more on the things that make me happy..like friends..and Carson..and snowcaps..mmm...I think I'm going to do something Monday with someone..I'll see tomorrow if I can plan something..

After seeing a movie about a girl who stops herself, looks at her life, decides she doesn't like it that way, and rearranges it, I remembered being asked something. We were sitting outside, when I say we I mean Carson, Sara, Dylan, and I. Anyway, we were sitting outside, along comes Julien I talk to him for a few seconds, he leaves, I go back to the guys, then *I forgot who* says to me, "So, do you just hang around us to make yourself look better?" I was a bit taken aback. I have to be honest. I honestly don't try to do that. I love sara, Carson, hell even Dylan, Ben, TJ, CJ, anyone else, for who they are, not to make myself seem all the more better. It just disgusted me..am I subliminally doing that? Should I hang out with a crowd of people who have shit happen like me? well, not that, I mean..I dunno..I don't think I'm that better, perhaps I look at things too much and I play it safe..meh what I mean is, maybe I should go be a loner again. Perhaps it would be for the better of society if I kept to myself. I'm not going to be some rich woman at some country club who's snooty, but I mean, everyone I surround myself by thinks I'm better. I hate that, I don't want to be better..I want to be, meh, I just want to be me. I want to relate to people, I don't know, I want to have friends, with quirkiness, or sarcasm or cynicalness, or who I could at least have some intelligent conversations with. Sure I may be a hassle to be near by, but, man, am I that terrible? Do I try to brag to people on how great I am? Isn't that the one thing I hated? Bragging? And yet I'm one myself? And when I try to leave, no one wants me to leave, they hate me, yet they like me. Which makes no sense whatsoever. You know what else? I feel extremely conceited at this moment. All I do in journals is talk about myself, my life, I feel as if I obsess only over me. ME. ME. ME. I...meh, maybe I should get away from journals too. In fact, not to be rude blogspot, I'm leaving you, for a bit, I think I'll go back to being quiet. I'll keep my big yap shut and do what I used to be very great at doing..being observant. Goodnite Journal.

After seeing a movie about a girl who stops herself, looks at her life, decides she doesn't like it that way, and rearranges it, I remembered being asked something. We were sitting outside, when I say we I mean Carson, Sara, Dylan, and I. Anyway, we were sitting outside, along comes Julien I talk to him for a few seconds, he leaves, I go back to the guys, then *I forgot who* says to me, "So, do you just hang around us to make yourself look better?" I was a bit taken aback. I have to be honest. I honestly don't try to do that. I love sara, Carson, hell even Dylan, Ben, TJ, CJ, anyone else, for who they are, not to make myself seem all the more better. It just disgusted me..am I subliminally doing that? Should I hang out with a crowd of people who have shit happen like me? well, not that, I mean..I dunno..I don't think I'm that better, perhaps I look at things too much and I play it safe..meh what I mean is, maybe I should go be a loner again. Perhaps it would be for the better of society if I kept to myself. I'm not going to be some rich woman at some country club who's snooty, but I mean, everyone I surround myself by thinks I'm better. I hate that, I don't want to be better..I want to be, meh, I just want to be me. I want to relate to people, I don't know, I want to have friends, with quirkiness, or sarcasm or cynicalness, or who I could at least have some intelligent conversations with. Sure I may be a hassle to be near by, but, man, am I that terrible? Do I try to brag to people on how great I am? Isn't that the one thing I hated? Bragging? And yet I'm one myself? And when I try to leave, no one wants me to leave, they hate me, yet they like me. Which makes no sense whatsoever. You know what else? I feel extremely conceited at this moment. All I do in journals is talk about myself, my life, I feel as if I obsess only over me. ME. ME. ME. I...meh, maybe I should get away from journals too. In fact, not to be rude blogspot, I'm leaving you, for a bit, I think I'll go back to being quiet. I'll keep my big yap shut and do what I used to be very great at doing..being observant. Goodnite Journal.

well, I found something to help cure my boredom, the anarchy section of textfiles..*cough*

Other than that I've been taking those memegen quizzes...


woo.


Okay, anyway, I'm off to eat dinner, besides..now I'm getting sleepy..sorta..school starts tomorrow..eh..

Noooooo!! *cringes*

Dear Blogspot,

I don't want school to start. I also am bored out of my mind, I still have to write the conclusion to my "new essay" but meh. I feel bitchy too, or like I was being a bitch to Carson. I feel...eh. I got everything packed for tomorrow, I'm just bored. Bored bored bored...I drew, I sang, I worked on an essay..haven't watched TV though, prolly nothing good on. And I feel...eh, I mean, nevermind..hopefully this is just PMS..It's a day, we're all gonna get hit by a hurricane category 5, isn't that lovely? My family is at wal-mart..again..and I..I feel restless. Maybe school should start..

Reminiscing

Tonight
#106826246826837240 posted on 11/7/2003 10:34:28 PM by Carson T "Carson" {@}
Tonight was a polished diamond of a night. That's all I'm saying. No information shall be whored to the masses, edging this diamonds into a ball of rock salt and varous tacky jewelry. I want to remember it as it was. So that's all. Time for some Led Zeppelin, then sleep. Tommorow can take a year, for all I care.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Yes, Dear diary, I've completely gotten off track with my essay. I'm listening to ol' jazz and I'm reminscing of the months with Carson. God, I wish he were here..

An Autumn Romance

Oh.

It seems we're going to get hit by a hurricane tomorrow.

Lervly.


I got a CD btw, and it's called "Torch Songs"


or AKA Jazz songs Tory can sing to.


wee.

Oh and I was writing my essay before my brother came in and I couldn't help but write the obvious in a blogspot entry, of course.

Bye again!

Meh, so here I am stuck again.

I have an essay that needs to be written, my family wants me to watch a movie with them, I need to clean my room or make money, I should study my lines for tomorrow. And you know what? All I want to do is to just spend some time alone with Carson. It's fucking sad that the next time I'll get to do anything with my boyfriend will be on next Friday. And my mom will probably have something planned for me by then, something involving, helping people or something or doing some shitty thing I don't want to do.



Fuck.

Carson? Where are you? Can't you just take me out of this life? It's too time consuming, I'm doing stuff that's planned for me, argh.



Excuse me, I have an essay to write.


*Carson, if you want to...call me..or not..whatever..*

I told myself I would stick around in this life, just in case someone needed me, but it truly doesn't seem like anyone does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Read Carson's what he calls, "emoish" posts. It's gotten to me, him, I mean. Sometimes he makes me feel like a vile poison to his body, and he revokes and chokes me back out. whoa!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tory, remember to make some lyric involving how "You thought I was a poison when I was actually the medicine" or something like that, it sucks now, but I could see it from some angsty song in a teen punk band..anyway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like I mentioned before, he hates me, yet he loves me. Maybe my existance is useless. Maybe I shouldn't do anything nice in this life and just live my life. The way I want it. Speaking of that..

I discovered where I want to go.

I want to go to Yale.

Yes, Yale, one of the best drama programs around.

Then I want to leave.

And then move to Ireland.

And maybe be an Irish Soap Star, or perhaps just do something over there..

Who knows.

I don't know if I want children or not, probably not, there's enough people in this world, yet, even if I do think of the possiblity of ever having kids, I want to adopt.

I also want a husband, well, maybe not a "husband" because that might get sickening if ever dealing with paper work..actually..legally wise it might be best to get married, oh hell I don't know, what I mean is, I want someone to share life with. Together. Or something like that.

Carson also made a good point. I'm too wrapped up with myself. I've been thinking about myself too much, I need to do stuff again, I mean, I need to go back to Helping Hands, or Street Reach Ministries, where I used to volunteer all the time. Actually, maybe not Street Reach, that place is kinda creepy. I don't know, I'm getting too much attention. I wish I could let Carson know that I don't think of him as just something to hold, but as also a person who I like to talk to, to consult about..stuff, I think, or just to talk I don't know. I just feel, comfortable around him. Oh nevermind, I'm just gonna leave you with a song diary:


Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I’ve tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will beI wanna hold you now

I’ve been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gotta Love David Gray

Scratch that ending, The ending to tonite is this:

I screwed up another conversation with him

And then I left.

I'm still not tired.

I'm a bit...heart broken and disgusted.

Here's the convo to anyone who cares, no one.

Capra Sesso Uomo [11:23 PM]: I knew you'd come back.
Auto response from T15WIT [11:23 PM]: Doing Stuff
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:23 PM]: And I knew you'd be away
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: And I knew that I shouldn't have waited like that
Auto response from Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: Doing Stuff.
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Good
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Have fun watching the Daily show
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: ...
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: oh no
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Please, don't be angry with me here
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: Go.
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: I'm not trying to come off as angry or anything
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: No dammit
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: You have no right to tell me to go
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: If you don't want me to say anything to you, I'll just shroud myself like i did before
T15WIT [11:32 PM]: And don't start a conversation and then tell me to leave
T15WIT [11:32 PM]: I'll go now.


And I will.

Hmm

my night:

9:30ish..

I screwed up a convo with Carson

I get offline

I go to room

My stomache churns, I look at empty space where I see a boy holding a girl and I hear a voice saying "he's moved on" *I know, nothing to do with Carson*

I cry

I cry some more

I get disgusted at myself for crying at things that aren't there

I go back online

I write a post on blogspot saying emoish stuff

I turn off the comp.

I go back to bathroom, wash face, change into PJ's etc.

I go back to my room

I see the tissues

I think "Oh god, he's going to think I'm a nut."

I turn on comp.

I change original post to what I just really meant to say

I sit..waiting to get courage to say something to him

he leaves

I turn off comp.

I go to room

A rush of anger surges through me

I start kicking the bed

I can't sleep.

I go downstairs, knock on mom's bathroom door.

I ask her for something to make me sleepy

She tells me to go do some sit ups and mentions how I'm a spastic teen.

I walk past TV with dad sitting there

I see daily show with John Kerry

I sit and watch

I get my fix of politics

I leave while muttering "It's all bull shit to me."

I go back online hoping to see him online.

I yawn.

I have a feeling I'll be waiting a bit, and then I'll go to bed.

I write a post. *this one..nvm*

I turn off comp without saying a word to him.

And I try to sleep.

I wake up.

But of course, that's for tomorrow.

I love you.


That's all I meant to say.


Thank you.

Still feels like something's missing...

Maybe It's Compassion?

Nah..

Maybe it's coolness?

Nah, I'm always cool...

Perchance it might be any schoolwork?

Nope, I'm good.


Study your lines?

Yeah

Carson?

I'm thinkin' it's that, but I hope not..

Have you stopped and smelled the roses lately?

Ya know..I haven't! I need to tend to my rose garden! Oh wait, those mexicans came by and already did take care of that when I was in Chicago..oh well, I'll go check on them again..

Anything else?

God I miss Carson

Yeah, we know..

Shh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well...I'm off to go eat a breakfast, smell a rose, and read my lines, all the while I won't be thinking a damn thing that has any connection to the above. Oh well..

Well, my hot bath turned into a luke-warm shower, but I made up for that with a new "What Not To Wear" and a manual pedicure. Now I'm just sucking in the heat vapors of my tea, waiting for Carson to get off his away message so I can let him know I love him. Of course, the perfect ending to this nite would be being in his arms, but yeah, I'll live with telling him that I miss him. I can just imagine being in his arms..or something..yeah, he's back, bye for now.

Whatever it is that's wrong with me I've decided to just take a hot bath, get some hot tea, and go to bed and hope it'll all be okay in the morning..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She runs away

Something's not quite right..

When autumn comes,
It doesn't ask,
It just walks in where it left you last,
You never know when it starts,
Until there's a fog inside the glass around,
your summer heart.

-"Something's Missing"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like something isn't quite right. And to be honest, like the song above, I do feel like something is misssing, but what? I don't know, I seem to be normal, I just feel all weird on the inside. Hopefully it's just PMS, or some bad food or something and it'll go away quickly. Fall is coming, I can feel it. I'm happy. But still can't shake off something..maybe it's that thing I was going to tell Carson but forgot and I still can't remember. What's wrong with me? Oh well, it's not like I'm going to see some shriek of anything.

Hmm...Seems I have a knack for being online when no one of importance is..

So, I'm home alone, you would expect me to be out dancing naked to some song or at least making my usual ceremonial sacrifice to Ms. Piggy. Yet, here I am instead, just finished compiling all my photos and putting them in a lovely little scrapbook doing absolutely nothing. I think I'm going to go work on Siddhartha, or at least get some meatloaf. Peace out for now, fools.

alright, Carson, I give up. I rarely ever do it, but I did tonite, I really, really am tired, I woke up at eight this morning and had insomniac trouble the night before, I'm sleepy. I love you, and I'm sorry.

Goodnite my someone
Goodnite my love

-some broadway play no one remembers

Went to Bed at 2, and woke up at 8

Since reading Siddhartha, I've gotten quieter. Plus, I've always never really been opinionated or at least try to tell someone "No, you're wrong" because I've always thought that, honestly we don't know anything. Next, I apologize to Carson for my little odd self last night when I was hyper, or something. Ignore that, please. Now, I'm going to French, I'm going to get a bookbag, my cousins are coming into town. I hope something is wrong with me, like I'm sick, so maybe there's an answer to why I've been feeling very weird all of a sudden. Saw a guy friend from drama camp at the chik-fil-a. He's nice, but such a player it isn't funny. oh well, one less friend. And, yes Ben, I did buy a photobook with a picture of the eifiel *sp? ohwell* tower on the cover, and it holds my Australia photos, I dun care what it looks like on the outside so Nyah! :p other than that I best be going to do stuff or something or other. Yeah. God, I feel...werid, bye

hmm..I haven't checked on Maddox for a while...


Today was a day. Autumn is coming I can feel it. Now let's see..my sins for today..um..I lied, to Carson, he asked about my feelings and I lied and said it was blah, um..I did a bad thing and this afternoon I took all my sister's undies and hid them everywhere in her room, it's like an easter egg hunt, but in an odd way. lesse..oh, i slammed the door on my brother's toe, oh well, that was an honest mistake. Hmm, I feel..I don't know, different, I feel calm, like I've grown to a peace with myself, I was very quiet today except for my mischievious with Miranda. I think I'm going to rest. I feel..I don't know, I'll give up on explaining it now. I'm going goodnite world.

I love you, whoever you are.

Goodnite, adieu.

Weird dream involving me being a soapstar, Carson being a writer and I think Chinese Take-0ut, maybe kung pow chicken, I can't remember.

...that's all I got.

Anyway, other than that, I better get my ass back in action with Siddhartha...

*flies off*

Away!

Fun Times At RidgeMont High

Innocent


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla



You're an every day average girl. You aren't
amongst the popular crowd, but you are
definatly far from being a geek. You are
probably pretty, but not gorgeous. You have a
fair amount of friends, but each one of them
means the world to you. Keep them close and
don't change yourself.

Rate a 5 to see a picture of a hott guy... Send me
a message!


What type of girl are you? (many outcomes and awesome pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."


What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a
voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and
sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes
shipwrecks find you and raving men want you.
You are a bottle of talent and power. What the
unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You
have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a
very few of you, what a rare find. Will you
rate my quiz, I think your voice in just
beautiful?


What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
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Category VI - The Strange
Attractor

Though you're not quite sure why, people are drawn
to you like moths to a flame. You really
are too cool for words.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
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Okay, as you can see, I’ve been busy on quizilla, and now I will rest..or think of Carson..whichever..oh the above quiz does prove I’m awesomely awesome. Thank you.

Help me out here
all my words are falling short
and there's so much I want to say.
Wanna tell you just how good it feels
when you look at me that way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay, My family is watching the women gymnastics with the Olympics, while here I am a bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream and listening to a compilation of my lonely music, here's what they are:

"Please Forgive Me" David Gray

"Come Away With Me" Norah Jones

"Saint Patrick's Day" John Mayer

"Daylight" Duncan Shiek

"Mercury Falls" Sting

"Reveries" Duncan Shiek

"I Don't know Why" Norah Jones

"Fields Of Gold" Sting

And some others...boy I think I'm going to go draw..

LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can
improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

Yep, I'm lonely again...

I think I'm going to go get some double fudge brownie ice cream..

Ah, poop. Carson isn't even on at this hour, well I hope he's resting well. I couldn't sleep last night, and this is...the third time I've woken up and seemed to have had trouble going back to sleep since my last post. I talked to Dan, I forget what conversation we had, something about a Dance Dance Revoloution competition, to which, in the end, I told him he'd win because I've only played it once or twice and not as much as he had, to which he replied with an emoticon of joy and glee (^.^) anyway. Oh yeah, I think I also asked him what was he going to do with his life..yeah, it got very quiet around those times, anywho, no one's on right now, so maybe I'll just try to go back to sleep....And, Carson, if I'm not on what seems morning, it's because I'll probably be at church, in Ms. Frankie's Room..throwing cookies at Spike. Yup...well, adieu!

hav

Please forgive me if I acted strange,
For I know not what I do,
Feels like lightning running through my veins,
Everytime I look at you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://www.physorg.com/news785.html

Wow. That's all I have to say to that, I love that webbie btw, lotsa good articles.


Other than that my room is changed now, I changed it, got a mirror, and a new desk chair, and a new desk, yeah, and got rid of some crap, I might take pics of it later and post it, woo. but for now I'ma workin' hard. And trying not to think of someone...ack

Righto, just had to put out some poetry and that new webbie, I'll talk later when I'm not in limbo.

http://www.amda.edu/

So, it looks..well, interesting, I could be out of there by the age of 19, which could jump my career. But, it seems like that school/college is for more people who want to be on Broadway. I don't have that kind of voice. I'd rather act. So, I dunno. I heard that Yale had a very good drama program as well, but the course is rigorous. I know sometime mom is going to get a book full of colleges for me to check out. Ack. There's only thirteen sophmores going this year. Can you believe that? I found out because this morning I was helping Ms. Maxey unload shit into a new room of ours. Then, I also found out that other than reading two novels..I'm supposed to do a double entry journal on one of them....yeah, I know, I should be working right now..in fact, I will, I don't think I'll be on all tonite, but I probably will. anywho, I'm off, adieu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all

Okay, now that that's out of my system, I ...

T15WIT [10:23 PM]: I hate this world, don't you?
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: nah
T15WIT [10:23 PM]: well..just the part in my life on how NOTHING IS FUCKING GOING RIGHT
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: :(
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: well im sorry
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: anything i can do to help?
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: and also how someone up there likes to play extremely evil cruel ironic jokes on me
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: no, nothing here sex boy
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: lemme just rant
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: lmao
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: oh forget it, I'll just go shout to some paper somewhere
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: no its ok
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: i'm listening
T15WIT [10:25 PM]: I don't go to school with other kids, and I only have one friend whom has now made a new friend while my family has taken me away to chicago for two weeks to spend quality time with my family, aka screaming at each other, the "new friend" already dislikes me for some unknown reason
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: On top of that, my parent's are going to get their way with my future, I know damn well
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: and I'm going to be a foriegn exchange student or something
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: They want me to go to all these smart places
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: sure I might be smart
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: but I want to act!
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: I love to act!
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:26 PM]: Follow your dreams, that is your destiny.
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: and instead, I'm probably going to become some damn business shit or something
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: More like follow my parent's unlived dreams
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: =\
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: fuck this world
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: all it takes it money <3
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: You're not the world :p
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: it may sound retarded, but money is the root of all happiness Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: pfft i know im not
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: although you might think you are
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: im just the moon
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: corny
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: i gotta mottot
T15WIT [10:28 PM]: talking to you..isn't helping..
T15WIT [10:28 PM]: thanks! bye!

Carson's prolly glad he wasn't here to have me rant. And you know what? I don't think he likes me anymore. Nope, I think he just wants physical shit, he prolly thinks I'm some bimbo. Hell, why not let it all out? I know by tomorrow he'll read this go.."Oh..god" and I'll think of myself as a bufoon idiot. But it feels good. He's apathetic towards me, and if he isn't he's just horny. Sara, Sara, Sara. I've lost you haven't I? I mean, we'll still be friends, I know we will, but it'll lose quickly. We won't be as "buddy-buddy" maybe we'll just meet in hallways once or twice and say "hi" maybe only that because we'll forget each others names, maybe I was right a long time ago. Although it hurt from the inside, maybe not making friends in the first place would have saved me some great loneliness here. Maybe....I want to do so much, but I want to do it with someone..who understands me. Doesn't take me for a bimbo, although I might have my times. Someone I could talk a lot about to. Not just some acute stuff we have in common, someone whose open to new stuff, also someone who doesn't ridicule ideas I get at three in the morning, I mean, true, some are bad, but not all can..right? Oh god, you just hate me don't you? Curse me with being well-rounded, although it's beautiful to have, it's terrible with relationships, or maybe I'm just using it wrong, who knows? I have to be so negative all the time. And ugly. A..no, no more of that shit, I'm through with that. Oh, look at the time, I'm leaving tomorrow, I better go..goodnite journal, let's hope tomorrow will be better looking for me.

ARGH!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! I HATE YOU CRUEL WORLD! I HATE YOU! I WANT TO GO HOME! I WANT MY BOYFRIEND! I WANT MY BESTFRIEND! I WANT MY BED! I WANT AWAY FROM HERE NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!


I hate you. I hate you so much I don't even know who you are, just someone who likes to mess with my mind.

None of this is turning out right, I don't want this from life. What happened? I don't want this! I want my life! I'm losing my best friend..I'm out of the loop at home, I'll always be out of the loop. I'll always be alone no matter where I go. Is that my joke in life? Always feeling alone no matter where I go? That's cruel. That's hideous. That's just evil. I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!!

Shades of grey
On a winter’s day
Your soul I still can see
It was as empty as a storybook
That was written for me


Sulky shadows surround us
As we sit and watch the gloom
We drift apart though close together
Awaiting each his doom


Of course, there is music that goes to it, anyway, shitty poetry of the day, came to me at 1:00 AM this morning so I decided to write it down for god knows why. I better not write much, talk later blogger, bye!

Well, turns out my father's flight is not an 11 AM flight to O'hare, but more like a 11 PM flight to Midway...yeah, so I get easily confused with things and perhaps I should "communicate" more, oh well. My grandmother is a nutcase. I love her. I have to go paint an outside deck now two shades of brown *both are ghastly* (but it was grandmother's choice). It scared me, I woke up and at breakfast I meant to say something but it came out in a chicago accent...that isn't good.

Anywho, off to paint!

Away!

So, here I am in Chicago..actually right now, I'm technically in a suburbia known as "Streamwood" but still, it's very close to the city. I've only been in the city a few times, but I love it. I love all the small little delis, the weirdos, all the indie house movie theatres that are cheap and have showings that start at midnite and end at six in the morning for only three dollars. I like the big city, I like the huge assortment of cultures and people. Although, I'll probably never live in one, mostly because of high rent, and maybe a twinge of fear of getting mugged/raped. Still, the city has it's ups and downs, and it's all very pretty. Dad told me over the phone about school, and this is what he has for me, first choice is art and chorus, second choice is culinary arts and drivers ed. Culinary arts sounds interesting to me, I didn't even know they had that, but dad said he found it in some "book" and that he thought it suited me, I don't really even know what first and second choice are, but all the choices sound pretty good to me. My cousin burned me his yellowcard CD which is allright, but he got really mad at me when I mentioned how Likin Park doesn't seem to technically "sing" but more like "whine and scream like the little wussies they are" which, like I said, made him not talk to me the rest of the day I was with him. I wonder if Carson will get mad if I go see Napoleon Dynamite without him..mom told me that we could go to a matinee today to see it because we're being hit by storms so there's nothing for us to work on, on the outside I mean. And my grandmother is cool because she likes indie house. Which is awesome! And Carson's online..so I leave here..adieu!

A memory not worth remembering

I like kids. Honestly, they're okay, but I can't stand them long enough. I never ever ever want children, I'd rather die an old spinster than have a little boogery faced shit. Sure, they're cute and sure, they're adorable, but once they get a bit bigger, and start sassing you, and lose the cute little face and learn the word "no" and stuff like that...ick, no thanks. For instance, yesterday..I was taking care of my siblings and cousins who are the ages as follows: 12, 10, 10, 7. We went to the neighborhood pool, with water slides and a big sand box and a kiddie area and everything! Well, this got the kids hyped up to go, so I let 'em free, while I sat down and read my literature book I had to read for my english class next year. Suddenly there is a "Everyone please evacuate the pool" it seems a little girl who was too small for slides went on it, and bumped her head. They called the paramedics and took her off on a stretcher. Then while everyone was still out of the pool...it rains...hard. I call out loud "Okay! We're going home!" To which it rained even harder...So while waiting for my Aunt's car to pick us up, the twelve year old was trying to make a deal with me saying how if they stayed a bit longer the rain would calm down. Everyone else had left, but the ignorant lifeguards were still there seeing nothing wrong with the lightning in the background and hearing that quiet rumble from afar. Then my ten year old brother punched me...alot..it hurts, he works his arm muscles so he doesn't understand his own strength, so what did I do? I punched him back, to which he tried to start a fight, but luckily my aunt came by in the car, when we got to her house it was lightly drizzling, to which all the kids said how it was all my fault, how I ruined their perfect day, and of course I responded "Of course! It's always TORY'S FAULT!" eh, children, never getting them..why am I still in italics when I pressed...oh well....when I get back, I'm changing the background to this, or at least make it easier to read the text in it..

adieu mon amis, adieu

A Final Goodbye

Carson,

  The reason I left without a goodbye is because I'm giving it here: I love you, I'm sorry if I miss something when I'm away, and I can't wait already to be back in your embrace. And please, let's see the lost skeleton of cadavra, or something I love you I love you I love you I love you. *sigh* I miss you already, that's not good. I love you. Although this is less than three weeks, they kinda wore me down, now I feel like I'm on my last leg, I just want to be home. Goodnite Carson, Adieu my love.

                                                                               Love,
                                                                                  Just some girl

A bad feeling

I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach..I feel like I did something wrong, like somehow I screwed up..I don't think I want to know what it is either..Have I been bitchy lately? How have I been acting lately? Hmm..I know that I was angry at my dad in the car

 
45 minutes later

 
Now I really want to dance, I'm listening to "Let's get retarded" by the BEP and now I wanna go to dance classes..I gotta line 'em up.

How does this sound? I work like weekend mornings at a pancake place, I can waitress, make good tips, and it'll be weekend morning������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������

A bad feeling

I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach..I feel like I did something wrong, like somehow I screwed up..I don't think I want to know what it is either..Have I been bitchy lately? How have I been acting lately? Hmm..I know that I was angry at my dad in the car

 
45 minutes later

 
Now I really want to dance, I'm listening to "Let's get retarded" by the BEP and now I wanna go to dance classes..I gotta line 'em up.

How does this sound? I work like weekend mornings at a pancake place, I can waitress, make good tips, and it'll be weekend mornings! Sounds good to me..

Thoughts of Life Part I

So, I'm going to speak of my life.   I got myself two purses/bags and a CD I've been wanting for a bit (Brand New, Deja Entendu) (Hey, I really like "Sic Transit Gloria" Okay?) I'm getting back in the swing of things. Tomorrow is the premiere, red carpet, an MC, limos and me lookin' fancy. w0o. to be honest, I could care less for this. It's a step in the door. When it comes to acting, actors seem to be after one goal. Most are after just fame.  Others, the money. But there's a rare breed that just well, want to act. These guys can be found at your local theatre because once you get into the "biz" actin' wise it's sometimes more business than acting. I like business, I've been born learning from my dad different business things, I will rarely ever get screwed over. I make sure of it. And I'm also good at intimidating people when need be. *cough* anywho, but I also love to act. I love love love to act, I would give up a lot of things for acting, to be different people to become another. I love it. The main reason why I'm going to make sure that I can act in a movie, like big screen is because it seems to be better roles than this bullshit here. I mean mainstream hollywood has good acting, good roles, I would like to be someone who actually has to go through something big, instead of being some waitress/ditz who has to make the comical joke on a sitcom.  I wanna get back to acting. That reminds me, I found a leotard and dancing shoes when I got back from Australia (Did I mention I was in Aussie land for three weeks? I'll talk about that later) Anyway, I do believe I'll be taking dancing classes next year. Also, I need..oh here ***REMINDER: Tory! Contact that lady from the local HOB for work at the murder mystery thing, she even gave you her card, do it dammit!*** oh lookie, time for me to go to the chiropracter, well, I'll finish later, see ya world for now!
 
 
Edit note: When I said I'd give up anything I didn't mean I'd pose nude for a porno, what I meant by that was, like I'd give up dancing, any after school things etc...pervs.
 
"Is it any wonder I'm sane at all?" - "Too much time on my hands" Styx

Ah the pleasure of being home

So, I shall express my views now of today, or what came of late.
 
I know I should be sleeping and seeing that I'm yawning alot at the moment, but I wanted to let Carson know I love him one last time, I think he was a bit dissapointed that I wasn't ultra horny and mostly just ultra sleepy. Also seems blogspot has updated again. Oh well. I really want to go back to his room laughing at the "I love the 90's" or at least back to laughing with him at the movie we saw. I really do love him, wish I could have hugged him more, or at least done something except be a lazy bump on a log. Meh, oh well.  I am tired. Saw Ms. Frankie. I fear she has the beginning of alzheimers seeing that I had to tell her that my dad owned nite clubs when I thought it was a known fact to her.  I love her.  Well, erm, not in the same way as Carson or anything, nvm. oh yeah! I hafta call Sara, duh tory, oh well. Poop. I was going to talk more but now that hopefully Carson will sometime see this and know that I love him...*ramblerambleramble*
 
G'nite!..Mates!

Well dear blogspot, I would post here a rant about how little old ladies in wal mart and how they walk in on you when you're in a dressing room, almost completely naked. Or I might even talk of how this morning before the whole wal mart episode I worked at a carwash, which was fun. but instead I have to keep it short, quick and sweet.

I'm leaving for Australia for twenty days. Big news there. I still have to pack and I haven't even done that and it's tomorrow really early in the morning. Ack. So I'll leave it at this..

I love you guys.

And a goodnite to all.

Weighed myself when I came back from my date with carson:

Scale downstairs: 143 lbs
Scale upstairs: 123 lbs

Both exactly on the dot. So I'm saying I'm 133 and 5'4''. Woo. Glad I didn't go out w/ Carson or anything, I knew it was coming soon, seems I start this time of month, good thing I didn't do anything. I miss him already. fuck. I want him, meh, I need sleep, I'm gonna go, I love ya world, thanks for all the fun you've given me!

Adieu!

Note: Carson discovered I like getting my legs rubbed, or whatever he did, I liked that, alot. and his hair and..ah, okay I'll go think about him somewhere else now...

I've just had this song stuck in my head, it's odd, I only listen to Duncan usually in the autumn, but anyway, these are the lyrics:

I’m awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
And it’s one of those moments
When everything is so clear

Before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide ’cause it’s worth deciding
To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
Tell me now, tell me how to make amends

Maybe, I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half-life
Don’t you see I’m breaking down

Lately, something here don’t feel right
This is just a half-life
Is there really no escape?
No escape from time
Of any kind

I keep trying to understand
This thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I’ll let you know
When I figure it out

But I don’t mind a few mysteries
They can stay that way it’s fine by me
And you are another mystery I am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Maybe, I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half-life
Don’t you see I’m breaking down

Lately, something here don’t feel right
This is just a half-life
Is there really no escape?
No escape from time
Of any kind

Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Again

’cause lately something here don’t feel right
This is just a half-life,
Without you I am breaking down

Wake me, let me see the daylight
Save me from this half-life
Let’s you and I escape
Escape from time

Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Again


I have to get this out of my head..eventually

Ah, who am I kiddin? I can't leave this place!

See ya next year

Dear Soon-to-be-not-my-diary,
I've decided to give you a break, and not just you, I've given up the whole internet until I need it for the next school year. I have my reasons why, but this feels like no longer a diary, but just a thing where I type to Carson, eck. And I don't really want to tell anyone the main reason why. So for that, I leave. goodbye!
Sincerely,
Tory the wit
T.wit
Twit

One bloody fucking bejesus night

Right, so I just came back from me mum and I having a terribly wonderful nite. You see, we had just gotten our 50 dollars back from the survey and everyone else was away, so we thought, Bloody hell, we have a hundred, we might as well have a nite out on the town. Needless to say, we went to a fancy restaurant dressed as two bloody peasants, but we had money so they didn't give a shit. during dinner I discussed with mum about "sex" She said that a condom would break and that I should use a pill, and that I'd have to see a gynacologist before I ever had sex, so I'll have to wait. Then, we went to wal mart, and we each got a pint of ice cream, to which we went and got two great romance films that I absolutely loved! Serendipity and Bridget Jone's Diary! Both great, both wonderful, both making me want to speak with a bloody british accent. Bridget Jones makes me wanna get laid and smoke and get drunk because it all sounds fun. Well, I'm off now to go fucking sleep or bloody hell, I have to make some pasta dish for the picnic tomorrow, adieu!

An intrigue

Yet, dear world, don't get me wrong. Tonite wasn't all terrible. No, there was one part that I loved and I wish I could've been like that forever. Just in silence, in silence with him, to hear him breathe, the rise and fall of his chest. That seems to be the moment I live for now. I know he'd um, want more than just that, but really, that's all I want. Just those few droplets of time where we're together, alone, and in complete and utter serenity. Those are the moments I love, not the field, not the movies, not the cute jokes and flirts or whatever, just those moments with him. So, don't worry, it wasn't all bad, and I do believe it is sad that I already miss him.

"It's an infinite world and I want you." "Love fades."

Tonite was terrible. It has come to the mind of what I've always feared, I know Carson is searching for something with our relationship, and right now he's hoping that maybe it's sex. perhaps, if we had sex it would make our relationship better, he's trying to search to find, something better. And I'm afraid, that once we have it, he'll finally find out that it isn't sex. It isn't anything, and then he'll leave. I know he tells me he won't leave, and that he loves me. Sure, for now, while he's in a dazed state trying to confuse himself, putting on a whole charade to cloud the truth. the truth? Nothing's true anymore is it? The truth? "You can't handle the truth.." erm I hate having over glooming premonitions, I mean, where will it go? Will he tire of me? (Of course, the man has ADD, he'll be off with someone else in no time..ack another fear..) I know it hurts to lose him, but the ever eternal question.. Do you really love the person? Or do you just love the fact you're loved or some shit..I always asked that, I guess you can't love, I feel like I can't love anymore, I feel cold and distant all of a sudden, I feel like I shouldn't say "I love you" because, I don't know, perhaps it isn't love, but a fear of loneliness or something, Just because I long to be in his arms and to talk to him, I don't know if I want a pair of arms or him..no I want him, but still..And the worst part is, I know I can't give him what he wants (No, not like that you fools). I just can't, I can't talk to him the way he wants or hold him the way he wants...oh great I sound extremely slut-like now..Fear. It's controlling, I fear that whatever I do is something stupid or someone will hate me for it. I fear to lose people. I need to lose all this fear. I swear, I should do society a favor and just shut up, be a lifeless robot, stop eating stop wasting money, I would rant about how I hate myself, I don't want to worry Carson. I wish he would never worry or hate himself (another problem, I feel all..I dunno.."perfect" when I'm near him, or as he puts it lately "Sucess always seems to follow you." I guess I acted too perfect so I would get him to like me..ouch, not good..maybe I shouldn't have ever started this whole thing)

Meh, now if you'll excuse me, I have a good book, and beautiful night to read it. Goodnite.

Babysitting, the everlasting hell

Great, so I just came back from dinner where my banchee sister was crying and my brother was being such a hard ass and it really just gave me a headache. I will never have children, I swear to god, I'll never have kids. Never. I also noticed how much I need my laptop, I came back from my time with Carson (I liked being with him..alone, not with my family, ack) and then I fell asleep. Only to be woken at four, I was going to go on the home computer to find dad sitting there doing some heavy duty checking his mail. So I finally got online today, I'm really gonna miss the computer, seeing that it isn't MY pmarchigiano.mi siedo , infilo le cuffie.apro il libro (che brutta cosa iniziare un nuovo libro quando sai che non potr� mai eguagliare l'ultimo)e dimentico il mondo.mi rompe il cazzo una vecchia che assomiglia a nixon nei suoi anni migliori ,e mi sfratta con la scusa dell'et�.sto per ribattere che sono incinta ma mi attorniano un cumulo di over80 con ombrello stronzo di due metri in legno massiccio che c'avranno minimo il porto d'armi,e bicipite da steroide, per portarselo in giro.mi ritrovo con la faccia sulle tette croate-marchigiane.quando frena di botto mi schianto di culo su uno dei vecchi

Babysitting, the everlasting hell

Great, so I just came back from dinner where my banchee sister was crying and my brother was being such a hard ass and it really just gave me a headache. I will never have children, I swear to god, I'll never have kids. Never. I also noticed how much I need my laptop, I came back from my time with Carson (I liked being with him..alone, not with my family, ack) and then I fell asleep. Only to be woken at four, I was going to go on the home computer to find dad sitting there doing some heavy duty checking his mail. So I finally got online today, I'm really gonna miss the computer, seeing that it isn't MY personal laptop, but now a comp. that is used by four other people most of the day..I'm just gonna miss it terribly. Meh at the moment and time, this is all I want: Some advil, some time alone, a bed, mainly SILENCE and PEACE...and of course, Carson would be a nice touch to the whole thing, although, he'd probably rather teach Max and Miranda the theme to Pepto Bismol *Thanks Carson! They were repeating it throughout dinner!*...I'm gonna get some advil...

Perhaps..I should get some rest..yes, maybe, although I'm not tired..oh hell..I'm just gonna go back to reading bash...

Before I go to sleep from my odd day, I'll show the song that'd I like to have play at a wedding, it deserves to be played for a couple, the lyrics do it no justice, but this is the best I can do.

http://www.letssingit.com/?http://www.letssingit.com/tal-bachman-gbbtd.html

Before I go, I thought about my relationships with other people, and I noticed one difference, I don't analyze them and our relationship. I just go with it, of course, we're usually busy talking about other stuff to ever think of it..and we usually have something in common, so that might be why I overanalyze this relationship..hmm, that might be it..oh yeah, for anyone that cares, you click the time or the "wash" or w/e at the bottom of this for the comments, odd I know, I'll work it out later..so that I can see easily who posted a comment or not

Well, I have to leave in a half hour, and I was thinking about what I said last nite with my conversation with Carson. I won't leave, I know I love him and everything, there's nothing to deny there. The summer leaves something to think about, I don't know what we will do because we won't have a schedule to follow (aka every weekend) I doubt...yeah, I do actually, I should stop being like this. I love him, has anything gone wrong yet? No. So why should I even bother messing with it? Well, maybe some things have gone wrong, no, nothing went wrong, there's always been a dark cloud overhead...Oh fuck it, I'll mess with it later, whether it's me wanting him physically or what all I know is I want him, sadly right now. but eh, what can you do? Absolutely nothing, and I'll always have this looming shadow near me, and an loneliness surround me whenever he's not around.

It's time for me to retire, Sara will be picking me up early tomorrow and...shit I forgot all about Sara! Ack! Erm..

Yes yes, this shall suffice for the moment, I'll have a whole summer to actually work on the background for this thing..

Complainin'

My relationship with Carson has gotten a bit...boorish. Well, I mean, I'm not gonna leave him or anything, but I just feel so..old. I feel like an old decrepit person whenever I'm around him, I don't mind I mean, Aren't I supposed to be young, naieve stupid? Yet I feel like I'm smarter than my age group, *although I may just be conceited*, I mean, I would go to Teen Nite, but..everyone is stupid, sure I like to dance, sure I would love to go dancing, but not with a buncha idiots, just not my cup of tea. I don't know where I fit in the grand scheme of it all..I feel out of place, even Spike pointed out that I am so cool with all my college friends and he was mocking me, but I have no college friends and I feel like I have no highschool friends either..oh who am I kidding? I have tons of friends, true, none of them really fit me. I mean, all of my friends, each and every single one of them, I can relate to partly, there is no one out there that I can relate to as a whole, I'm not a person who is into one main thing, I'm just not. I can relate to a biker to a classical pianist to a person who surfs the net to a physicist, yet, none of them, I dunno, I just never have met a person who could relate to everything I've done, I used to think my parents could, but then I started getting social, and they're not uh, how should I say this "hip to the new groove" they're awesome people, and true, they strive to like new music, but..they just don't get it, I love 'em though. But still, I just feel empty. I guess I should quit my bitching and except my life and enjoy it, but, meh I just wish I could meet someone who knew what I knew, it would make life all the more fun.

While I look at my life, everything and anything comes from my parents. The only things I've ever earned on my own were:

A) Cedar Branch, I started this program all on my own, my parents were never involved with it, the church was a main part seeing that they would drive me there, and that they helped tutor the children too.

B) Anything I've earned from school. When I say this I mean stupid shit like that Luitenet Governor's piece of writing crap where they provided a hotel for me to go read my writing, a poem. and of course, there's other stuff too, just little essays here and there, and of course, getting A's in school. All that, on my own.


I would say that reading would be apart of my own, but it isn't. My parents were the people who took the initiative to drive me to the library, who suggested books, "Here Tory, 'A Wrinkle In Time', this would be right up your alley." They were there even to help me through emotional troubles, when I would come down around 10 at nite to sob to my mother how no one liked me she would say "Listen, I don't want to hear you complain, so either yer gonna suck it up and watch this British movie with me, or yer gonna go to yer room and cry." I learned to suck it up. I also learned a lot about old British novels, which helped me later in life with many a person who had a major in english novels. My father always had connections too. One way or another I'd meet this person who knew my father, and we'd get off lovely. Hell, even my parent's introduced music to me. I would've been a Britney Spears sorta girl if my parents didn't let me hear a tape of Queen and Aerosmith in the Third Grade, they also helped me to physics, my writing, they even introduced such things like Monty Python, Black adder, The Simpsons, Hard Rock music, Off beat music, Music in general any form they introduced to me. *well..except emo, I've gone ahead of them and already heard that bull* They gave me books. THEY also taught me the worth of a dollar. My parents never ever wanted me to be spoiled, so if I ever wanted something I had to work for it, and they didn't go easy where taking out the trash was $20.00. I remember arguing with them over why I couldn't have an allowance, or why I could never get "$5 for an 'A' on my report card..lots of kids get money for their grades..Moooom how come I can't have it? Mooom.." I thank my mom for showing me that the only thing good from getting an 'A' is money. They also introduced physics! My god, my father would just shove book after book, and my crazy uncle, ah that one summer of staying with him and I learned so much about physics I think I read almost all of Stephen Hawking's work that summer..ah My family has just done so much for me. And for that I thank them.


Thanks mom.
Thanks dad.
Thanks everyone.
You guys will never know how much you've done for me.
Thank you. Thank you all.

I love you guys.

I was in the mood to change my blogger, so yeah, it's a bit underconstruction at the moment..but I got other stuff to do too, I'll work on it this summer..

Ah, it's one in the afternoon, I have a bigillion papers, and I'm still in my pajamas smelling like cornchips, or something.


This is how I'll describe my date last nite, diary:

Movie: It was good
Field: It was better.
Bed with fan: It was the best.


And I'm a crazy fool in love.

I would update you..but seeing that I got a journal for my birthday..I've just kinda lost time to write in you..plus Carson can read here..so what's the purpose? nevermind it all, I'm off, who knows when my next update shall be.. so I'll leave you with the shitty poetry of the day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's a town on down the road
that I ain't been before
Nobody knows my name
or what I'm looking for
maybe things will be a little different
cause they can't stay the same
I'm gonna ease on down the road
where nobody knows my name

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While going on my usual morning news routine I discovered this:

I'm going to.

I'm pooped.

Nite all.

Oh where oh where is my love?

Oh where oh where is he?


Haven't talked to Carson, oh well, he's probably off taking a break from me, can't blame him really, even I was getting a bit sick..well, actually I wasn't but ah oh well, I'll let him take a break from me if he wants...and it isn't like I would have anything to say...Meh, I still wish I could just talk to him..oh well..I guess I'll deal with it, oh and yes I'll probably make another post, but for now, I'm off to go do some "HEAVY DUTY POWER WORKING" if you get my drift...

Emotions experienced today?

Tired? Check

Horny? Check

Kick assy? Check

Sweet? Check

Sour? Check

Wanting to be held? Check

Wanting for the world to fuck off? Check

Wanting to dance? Check

Wanting to sleep? Check

Feeling of love? Check

Busy due to the realization that you're far behind? Check

Laziness? Check

Horny again? Check

Contemplative? Check

Silly? Check

Apathetic? Check

Wanting to sing? Check

Feeling of sweaty? Check

Hungry? check

Okay, that's enough! Back to being busy/horny/lazy/something else!