Tonite was terrible. It has come to the mind of what I've always feared, I know Carson is searching for something with our relationship, and right now he's hoping that maybe it's sex. perhaps, if we had sex it would make our relationship better, he's trying to search to find, something better. And I'm afraid, that once we have it, he'll finally find out that it isn't sex. It isn't anything, and then he'll leave. I know he tells me he won't leave, and that he loves me. Sure, for now, while he's in a dazed state trying to confuse himself, putting on a whole charade to cloud the truth. the truth? Nothing's true anymore is it? The truth? "You can't handle the truth.." erm I hate having over glooming premonitions, I mean, where will it go? Will he tire of me? (Of course, the man has ADD, he'll be off with someone else in no time..ack another fear..) I know it hurts to lose him, but the ever eternal question.. Do you really love the person? Or do you just love the fact you're loved or some shit..I always asked that, I guess you can't love, I feel like I can't love anymore, I feel cold and distant all of a sudden, I feel like I shouldn't say "I love you" because, I don't know, perhaps it isn't love, but a fear of loneliness or something, Just because I long to be in his arms and to talk to him, I don't know if I want a pair of arms or him..no I want him, but still..And the worst part is, I know I can't give him what he wants (No, not like that you fools). I just can't, I can't talk to him the way he wants or hold him the way he wants...oh great I sound extremely slut-like now..Fear. It's controlling, I fear that whatever I do is something stupid or someone will hate me for it. I fear to lose people. I need to lose all this fear. I swear, I should do society a favor and just shut up, be a lifeless robot, stop eating stop wasting money, I would rant about how I hate myself, I don't want to worry Carson. I wish he would never worry or hate himself (another problem, I feel all..I dunno.."perfect" when I'm near him, or as he puts it lately "Sucess always seems to follow you." I guess I acted too perfect so I would get him to like me..ouch, not good..maybe I shouldn't have ever started this whole thing)
Meh, now if you'll excuse me, I have a good book, and beautiful night to read it. Goodnite.
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