Well, bloggy it seems that I was going to write a conversation of how lonely I was and how I missed carson, but he called

yeah...I felt nothing, meh I don't know I mean, I felt love, but...just nothing happened..

I told him to just leave and that I'll see him tomorrow and that I had homework to do, I lied, I have no homework, I would've loved to talk to him all nite, or at least let him know that I love him, but do I? Of course not, I act as if we we're being watched by everyone/everyone was listening. Would anyone give a fuck? Did they give a fuck when I kissed him? Well, other than that black dude who I assume has some power at the highschool...I forgot to say I love you..damn, too little too late, maybe I should call him, no stupid his parent's would flip. Did I do something wrong with this relationship? And like Carson asked, when did we become the old couple? Couples buying each other rings, three days and Tara has already made out with her man, me, took more like three weeks..others buying shit for each other only after four months, ten months and it looks like I haven't truly shown my affection towards him, just a dried white rose and a dead red one. Yeah, two roses, one of them his, and a letter. That's as far as I've ever gone for giving him stuff. I do love him. I love him a lot. He's a goof, geek, intelligent, mature, immature, spastic, calm and everything else kinda guy and I love every bit of it, well..not the part that sometimes dislikes me, but hey everyone has their fault. Great, now I have him out like some sorta schizo, he's not that either. He's..he is what he is, and like I said before, I love him for that. Ramblin' dammit, I screwed up..I've been screwing up a lot more than usual lately..I want to know what is the way to make him happy and keep him that way? nlt...well, even pervertedness only goes so far before masturbatin' just gets old..well, for me anyway, but that's not what I meant at first..maybe I should just be there. And why shouldn't I be there? Well, hell I need a life of my own, it's not like I'm married to the guy..just his girlfriend for..10 months, yeah 10 months, not alot to some, alot to others. I hope if he's cheating on me he'll tell me so at least I won't be wasting my time. Maybe I should stop talking about the fucking relationship like he does and focus on my life. Yeah, and then feel conceited.

Oh fuck it all. I'm too damn confusing for myself.