A Compilation

The following is a compilation of some old word documents from last year:

Too shy.

Too goddamn shy,
To tell you how I feel,
Curse myself,
I feel like shit,
Mentally, physically, and definitely emotionally,
I want to cry,
But I can’t,
I won’t,
I’m not about to do that,
The music stopped,
Why are you still here?
Can’t you see I’m in misery?
Be ridden of yourself,
I want to tell you,
But I won’t,
I can’t,
I love you so much,
And yet I scorn you away,
Too shy for you to see who I really am,
Someone save me.

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T15WIT: disconnection
T15WIT: I lost our entire conversation
RieBeam2: I have it.
T15WIT: Okay say the last thing you said
RieBeam2: I'll send you everything
T15WIT: improbable and we'll go from ther...
T15WIT: dammit, I just got back from work, sheesh you can tell
RieBeam2: That's my last sentence
T15WIT: okay well here um
T15WIT: nvm
T15WIT: Listen
T15WIT: I want to come to a conclusion
RieBeam2: I am.
T15WIT: I want a solution, an answer
T15WIT: before I go to bed
RieBeam2: I know you do.
T15WIT: I need some rest, I've been an insomniac lately and its hitting me
T15WIT: now
RieBeam2: And from what I've seen, if you want the truth, you won't be happy. So break up, and be done with it.
T15WIT: Will you still send me the convo? I'm a bitch
T15WIT: Okay
T15WIT: Break up
RieBeam2: I tried, but I got the "Software Not Supported"
T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you.
RieBeam2: So I'll use e-mail
T15WIT: Okay
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, I don't want to break up with you.
T15WIT: Carson True, I don't want to either.
T15WIT: But I still will.
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, then why?
T15WIT: Carson, I honestly don't know, but I still will.
T15WIT: Does it always need an answer?
RieBeam2: You said you needed an answer.
RieBeam2: So do you?
T15WIT: My answer: I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.
RieBeam2: Well, damn. I tried. I love you, but if this is what you want, this is what you'll have.
T15WIT: You tried
T15WIT: Yes, you did
T15WIT: and you're right, I
T15WIT: I'm ought to leave now
T15WIT: *I
RieBeam2: I'm going to go pity myself now.
RieBeam2: Adios, Tory.
T15WIT: Go for it
Me: Goodbye, Carson.
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Is The World Demoralizing?

I will sometimes look at today’s society and wonder “Was the world different from before?” I suppose it is seeing that I have read many history text books and



My view on the world: Cleanliness is better than it ever was, but everyone is having too much knowledge and getting all cynical.

I started with a topic on teen suicide, then it went to how everyone is talking more openly about their lives, and then it changed to the world demoralizing, but then I thought of how it is way more clean and hygienic than it was before.

Ms. Maxey, I don’t really exactly know what you’re asking for us here I mean nothing of big importance is facing me in today or in the future. I am pretty much happy with my life, what exactly are you asking for here? Also, just, I don’t know, could you help me by describing a bit more what are you exactly asking for? I’m just a bit confused, thank you for helping me.

- Tory

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Most Important Values to Me
This is a compiled list of values that matter the most to me. Ms. Maxey, there is no way I could put these in order, they all mean a lot to me, but I have compiled a list of some values that mean more to me than others.

Influence- A good influence around you is the best thing to have; it creates and molds who you are and who you will be
Freedom to be an individual- This is important because you need to be recognized for who you are, not for another face in a crowd; you need that freedom to be yourself
Security- knowing that you are safe and that you will not be harmed from things as economic security to any terrorism; you need to know that you are safe
Moral Courage- To be courageous enough to show your morals and beliefs is important because everyone is different and your opinion and morals should count as well
Faith- To have faith in what you believe, who you are, and others is a big value I find important, because if you don’t have faith in yourself or anything else, then you will go nowhere
Freedom to vote- Once again, I believe that this is important because you need to show your own opinion and not let someone else decide for you
Personal Health- This is important to me because I care if I’m going to live a few extra years and see something that I might’ve missed if I didn’t live this long
Power to Make a Difference- I think it matters if you can make a difference with your life or not, it depends a lot on your decisions, and it is your life to make your difference, whether in yourself, or in your community, or in your world
Education- To know how things work, how our lives are to know everything is a serious thing that everyone should need. We should need to know, to learn, our world and what it is.
Strong in my beliefs-If you are strong in your beliefs than you will go far. If you follow your beliefs, and mold the world a little bit more to them then your life will be far better off

Those were the ones that made it out of a list of fifty values that I compiled, the rest are ones that I think are pretty important, but for only me.

Friends- Even I prefer to be better off alone at times, but loneliness is not human nature, companionship is needed from everyone, everyone needs someone
Excitement and adventure- To me, I could never live a dulling life. I have met people who have done the same thing for twenty years. I could never ever do that. My life needs adventure, and that’s just me.
Time for self- Sometimes the monotony of society can leave me exhausted. I just sometimes prefer to be alone and have time for myself.
A meaningful life- I don’t care if my life doesn’t make it into the history text books or is never mentioned again, but knowing that I’ve done about everything I could do, well, that’s just important to me, to know that my life was meaningful
Creativity- Creativity is important to me, to be creative and have an imagination and to be different, this is all important to me.
- Tory Richardson 4/20/04
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Poetry

As a young lover’s serenade
As a hipsta’s new renegade
The spouting off of beliefs
And the showing of some relief
When you show you are blue
When your emotions are true
Through the cries on a foggy night
To the words on a day so bright
So reach out and go for the goal
Poetry, its soul.

- Tory Richardson




Forget

She said to just forget her,
She said she,
Didn’t want to see me hurt like this,
She said to just lose all those memories,
Of time wasted asking silly questions,
And to just forget,
Having her in my arms,
How can you forget love,
When you’re still in it?




Your dirty charades of love
I don’t know how long I can take it

Speed demon on a straight country road
The moon still shined and the cock hadn’t crowed

Mirthless laughter in the darkest nights

How long is this supposed to last?
I love you, but do I?? How can some people live with themselves by cheating on one another in the game of love? How can they know they’re breaking someones heart?
Why did I yell at you? I’ll look silly asking for your forgiveness. I wish you would forgive me. I love you, but you and I and ..so confused. Love does that to me. Loneliness is not one that you will like after getting a taste of love and friendship. Why all this torment? Why, just why, so alone, so cold, so grey skies outside, so crowing of ravens when you told me that we should end it, and it was about to rain, so many memories, so many heartaches and tears, why? Twisted and tormented I silently weep myself to sleep, sleep, I need more of it, depraved of the world that is the only place I am happy, sleep. Music plays in the background, but I cannot hear it, its just a blur, my life is a blur, what can I do? Dark night it is, dark as the emptiness. The emptiness there is between us, the silence, the lies, the deceitfulness, my hands are callused with cracks and nothing will help them, my skin is breaking apart, like my soul. Stop it, please save me. Society. Society is disgusting me. Society is full of no true love, it is full of lies, apathy no caring, and no one is doing anything about it, perhaps it will end all soon and it will not tumble into its destiny of a crumbling inferno of hell. Save me, someone, save me. Is there a fine line between love and lust? I wish there wasn’t, so confused, the moon gives me light, I breathe slowly and look around. A beautiful life. And I’m still scared. Perhaps the sleep will give me a temporary escape to this nightmare.

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7:16 AM, March 2004

A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.


5:37 PM, March 1982


Well, this is it.

I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo




Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.



7:18 AM March, 2004

“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”

“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.

“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”

“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.

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And I'm still here...