You! Yes, You! Pass the Butter, Please.

lalalalla

hello world i'm crazy right now from a disaster thus i revert to my silliness


Priorities Straight

AP Psych

Movie Job?

Movies from CCU watch as much as possible

Write one act with waitress for scholarship

work out. now.

Schoool....

alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" / />

wee yay splat


we're not even talkin' bout emotions here people.

Why

Why I am not

• Because Gracie and Max will miss me like crazy when I'm gone for good

• because I want to make my parents happy by going to school for them
• because I want to live out my scholar's academy year before it is a memory
• because I want to get free college courses so I won't have to work to pay for them later
• because I'm gonna miss my home and the smell of december here which is early september everywhere else..and dinner with my family
• because it won't be the same with ben and sara (not like it is now though)

Why I should

• because I will miss him like crazy

because i love him.

Why Paint is better than Spider Solitaire while waiting for you web browser to load

http://img483.imageshack.us/my.php?image=meditationjx9.jpg

Yup, crappy drawing ideas.

I think I shall call it "meditation".

Sitting in the car, mom on phone i'm coming up for lyrics like I used to "Your ignorance of my intelligence is quite astonishing" silliness. and sadness. and sand. but that's a different story.

I told it to brittany due to my boredom hope you readers at home like this lil diddy too *winks*

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way and the other to give a suprising twist at the end.

Eh eh?

Sharp Scissors

Polly wants a cracker

I've kinda felt like that Nirvana song lately...maybe just bad but subtley so...

*shrugs*

or maybe i'm horny.

nah,

So The Departed gets 9/10 eh imdb? Guess I'll go see it alone tomorrow.


Jennifer's gonna kill me. I think I'd rather do directing 1 instead of acting 1

but acting makes me happy right?

Yes. I love being other people, there is no denying that. But god, do I get bored with those stupid games. Okay, Tory, make the crowd laugh. I can do it, but it's...well there's no challenge. I think I'd be challenged in directing.

Plus, I've never directed.

I mean, I already know I love acting. I love acting. But, I've got ideas for movies...and...I want to make movies too, not produce but maybe direct. Oh hell if I know I've never messed with a camera, don't most directors start filming small shit with a lame-o camera as a small child? Dear god, are there some bad films out there. We need to pick it up people!

I just ran away from home. Now I'm going to Dizzknee land.

Also, I want out of here. I don't know I want my life to be crazy and waking up in Ireland doesn't sound too bad I want to drive with the top down through the desert and get pulled over. I want to find myself in what was going to be a normal day and somehow ended up in a helicopter. I'm gonna make my life interesting too..god, I hope so. And I'm gonna be stuck at Beezer's working whilst also working at USC and trying to get out for two years. Sorry mom, I'm getting a Business minor, not a double major (this of course when looking back will contradict my future I know this, I'm gonna laugh). A double major and I'm there for three years instead of two and do I want to fucking be in honors college? No, I just think I want my undergrad over with as quick as possible. I just think I wanna do...films. Yeah.

Did other directors and actors know all their life that's what they wanted to do?

Eh, maybe I just want to be happy.

I like the movie Clerks.


Isn't me,
have a seat,
lemme clip,
dirty wings........

The way I'm headin I might need to know how to protect myself.

Hold me.

Are you ready for the fallout? Who ya gonna call out?

cherry sour punch straws.

I feel like crying I miss him

I've been downhearted baby...

passed you by and left you self defeated

I know he wants to have a good day today but I feel so jumbled crumbled and dusty bookshelfs

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=68457850

That's gonna be deleted soon which sucks because it has a lot of great songs and I want to go bowling and I cannot think about psychology or college apps because right now I'm in a parking lot in December.

hi jey

bye jey

Hold me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All day the song Good Old Days by fastball has been stuck in my head or at least the part..

Decorated in a candy glaze,
each drunken drug store purchase,
each chemical advance,
seven days a week and,
every day the same old busy dance.

Love that song

and

I got a warm,
fuzzy feeling,
when I saw you on tv,
you were wearin a piece of me
and it breaks my heart to look around and see the unimpressed
who can't believe the emporer is dressed

turn on my tv,
i wanna get some action
if you got no video
well then folk's don't wanna know

anyway that's all I can remember of that song right now

are you ready for the fallout who ya gonna call out

Songs I feel like all of them at once right now

Quiet as a Mouse- Margot and the nuclear so and so's
Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
Polly- Nirvana
Breathe Your Name- Sixpence None the Richer
Sex and Candy- Marcy Playground
Time is Running Out- Muse


My heart is beating too quickly. I feel like running as fast as my heart right now.

as a side note, hot damn i wish i were pretty.

Poem for a Crazie

He breathes,
Bitter cotton air,

The Shadows won't leave
My friend keeps beckoning me

Away.

I search the monitor for text that is meaningless for words compassion for him for him because i can feel him smell him taste him see him

But he isn't there.

Insomniacs suck down their chalky beverages and pray for no more dreams while turner classic movies play another Scorsese flick

In the adjoining room the eleven year old fears death.

The house breathes nightmares.

My body shivers and tells me it isn't right it's not good.

By the prick of my thumb,



And I worry.


And I worry.

Autumn means the season of wanderlust.

at least, that's what james calls it.

~~~~

I came home an hour and half late because I chased the moon. I was not cognizant of it until the fact that the moment I saw the moon the song "Throw it all away" by brandi carlile was playing and the next thing I knew I had no idea where I was but I was somewhere in North Carolina and I was parked on the side of the road with a view of the moon.

As soon as I left Jey's home I drove but I didn't want to go home, so I stopped at the condo. Tired I lay on the bed and grabbed a hot cocoa packet, french vanilla because I drank all the fancy rasperry chocolate ones already. But I knew that the condo was not the escape I wanted. I knew what I wanted when I saw the moon. I wanted to keep driving. I did that, and it felt right. It felt right. I knew I wanted to end up in a desert in the morning with james snoring beside me. I knew in that moment that I want out.

Of course, I drove back home. My parents did not notice that I came home two hours longer than a movie should take. I'm glad they don't give a shit no more. Now I'm sipping my french vanilla hot cocoa which tastes like the smell of a library in cincinnatti, I can't exactly explain. I have a world religions test tomorrow..dammit need to study

but more and more of me....i don't care, tis also the season for apathy and lone. and love. strange.

They did it again. I didn't count and they only gave me 9 singles instead of the 10 they owed me. "After all these years of us doing this to you Tory, mind games over money. We thought you'd learn by now. count it in front of the person always." My mom pinches my cheek "We're just preparing you for the real world." "hey isn't there a song about that from a fella named John Mayer?" I curtly replied while sticking out my tongue and smiling. Dad hops on one foot and says "I'm running through the halls of my highschool!" I knew if I told them I don't give a shit about one single dollar I'd either get a shrug then and a lecture later or just a confused look.


Inhales steam from drink.

I'm sleepy, but I have this test.

Why am I here?

Summer Daze, Candy Coated Glaze

Where did it all go?

Lesson Learned today: Nehi Peach Soda tastes nothing like Peaches and is disgusting.

Also, I really love getting lost.

My oh my you know it just don't stop

We're on the street in a beat up '89 chevy blazer that barely goes over 55 mph; Brittany is behind us on her bicycle. He reaches over to hold or hug me, but I push him away. "No James, not in front of Brittany" I could not do it. I hate hurting people because we both know that Britain wants him to like her like he does me. They live together, so it makes matters worse. He used to like her like that too, but he pushes her away now and goes for me. I can't take it. I can't hurt her, that is doing exactly that. And I know like Kris told me at Desperado's after the remains of my massive cheesecake that if I did leave, it would make matters worse because then james would be unhappy and then brit would be unhappy, so might as well stay and only have one....and and my emotions for him are strong, so then i know even i would be unhappy. it was only last nite and I already miss him. But it tears me for I do care about Britain, and her unhappy makes me sad too, she's my friend. She's james' friend. but she wants more.

He fell asleep in the back of the blazer, I gripped tightly on his few fingers he had and unconsciously made heart motions on his thumb while I stared at the moon and Brit drove me home. No, Dayne's home. where I put on a happy face and played Risk and made his little brother laugh and didn't get home till 1 AM. that is where i conked out on my bed.

I still smell like the ocean, even though I took a shower first thing when I woke up.


I have a plan. For Saturday. In my mind I see it, and I know it won't play out this way but Saturday he'll drive down to my home by 6, I'm taking him to the Indo Chine in Wilmington, I have about 45 dollars that say I can do it, and then back home I guess, not sure. I already have it planned I know, five second plans that never work out right are my expertise. adieu adieu

And now for the wonderful gameshow everyone loves! "Is Tory Losing Her Morality?"

I lied to my mother last night. Again. My mother! The woman who is perhaps my best friend, she's told me her stories and I have told mine and even though I've been lectured torn and teased about it she is still my best friend.

I also lied last night to my other best friend who is not related, Sara.

Work was slow last night for a Sunday, I came in at four and was cut out by 7 PM. This is odd because I usually close. Usually. But tonite I asked the busser who is supposed to close to do so (I usually don't mind hanging around at the bar for a few extra hours). A devious thought came into my mind, and so I called my mother.

Max: Hello?
Me: Max, lemme talk to mom.
Max: Okay
Mom: Hello?
Me: Mom? When is dad getting home from his charity benefit?
Mom: 3 AM, why do you care?
Me: Well, just in case you needed his car or something, you see the guys say it will be pretty slow here tonite and the latest I'll be staying is say 10:30ish, well Sara gets off work at 10 at Tiki Jims', can I go hang out with her afterwards?
Mom: Is Sara working with her mom or being taken home? I don't like the fact of you driving around that late at night..
Me: No no, mom, I'd be driving straight to Sara's house, and just hang out with her mom, who also works at the general store in Barefoot, they won't get off till 10, both of them
Mom: Hmm..okay but be home by midnight.
Me: Yes ma'am, thank you.

After quickly doing my chores I headed off in the opposite direction of home. Driving I put James on Speakerphone. Asking him where he was, he was with Kris, I drove over to Kris' home which is near Medieval Times area. I picked up James and drove around and were silly and I almost ran a red and got the car stuck in the sand at one point where some high kids laughed their asses off, but eventually we arrived at the beach. I know James had not seen the beach since...well January or maybe November I can't recall and he missed it. He stripped to his boxers and doved in the ocean, I was tempted to go swimming but decided someone ought to stay in the car, when he dried we drove back to Kris' and from there I left. It was wonderful, I'm leaving out details of course, but no, no sex, nothing of the sort people sorry to dissapoint, but fun. I think my favorite memory was "Save Tonight, Fight the Break of Dawn, Come tomorrow, Tomorrow I'll be gone"

Mind you I still reek of cigarrettes from work. But driving home I call up sara and leave a message, only I didn't tell her I was with James, I made it sound like I just wanted to go to the beach really bad, just in case my parents caught sand on me or on the car, I could always have that message as a alibi that instead of Sara's I went to the beach, which I would also get reprimanded for, but not as bad as James.

Oh and of course I made sure dad was at a charity benefit so he wouldn't drive past work before 10, and I had the other car, and I made damn well sure that it was all safe to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But still, I slightly frighten myself with the way I've been carefully creating my web here. I do not fear the fact that I might break it; I fear the fact that I made it. Who have I become? I used to only lie jokingly and soon afterwards say "I'm just kiddin' " now it is more like....I dunno...

For instance, my parents believe I go with my mother to CCU for her summer classes that go from 10 AM- 2 PM, and while she is in class I am at the gym working out or the library. When in fact I walk across highway 544, and walk over to James and Brittanys for a good half hour, and then hang out with them. No, once again, no sex or anything of the sort. Although james did throw a chocolate cream pie at me, and I had to take a shower, and wear brit's clothes...while cleaning mine. Still the fact that I lie to my mother, dad I could care less, but mom...dunno

Oh well, it's worth it. :)

I think..

Excuse Me Mr. is the best No Doubt Song Ever.

Autumn may be for love, but summer is definitely for sex. You know what I’m talking about, the kind of heat is in the air that drives a heat right in your pants, a yearning burning sensation if ya get me *winks*, and it isn’t the clean kind either, oh no. It’s the dirty most disgusting kind where you’re both sweaty from a day’s end of work and you’re tired but you have a little something left in you ‘cause it’s been runnin in your mind all day. Yup, summer is for sex.

Bad day.

Very bad day.

one of those "i'm not gonna even talk about it bad days"

where at the end of the night, I drove and got lost in NC, the moon was hidden behind smoke clouds and it all felt like the perfect worst day.

*sigh*

Sleep? Nightmares. Bad nightmares lately, let's go with Seinfeld instead. Good option Ms. Richardson

I need a hug.

I wanted to go to bed with him in my room, just for a few seconds, but the fear my sister would come around and see, I didn't want her seeing it and telling my parents. So instead I fell asleep three times this afternoon, my blanket fitting around my side as if they were arms, too bad they weren't warm, luckily it was my yellow comforter...which is comforting

And I know I want him to steal me away from work. The best in my mind as I see it is that it will be slow tomorrow. As he and Ryan and Brit are leaving Nance's I am getting off work. They will pick me up and drive away, after say two hours (cinderella had a curfew too ya know) they shall drop me off at P&M. I'll call mom, tell her it was packed, she'll pick me up and see the few cars in the parking lot thinking it had all just ended. I can act tired.

But nah, I know it won't work out that way, I always imagine all the possibilities in under five seconds. Most likely is, they will stop by, I'll be swamped and seeing that the other busser is Kevin, who "pulled a double" and is "really tired" and who is nineteen and can have say so over everything..........well I closed last week...maybe...maybe

I love the owl who hoots outside my window. It's a kinda lonesome cry; yes, I like him much more than I do the twittering chirps that wake me up at 5 AM.

It's as if the world outside my window goes to bed lonesome, but wakes up cheery.

Teehee.

List

Made a list at beginning of year:

I want to:

• Run
• Skip
• Drive really fast, a car chase
• Go to atalaya
• Go to a beach with a grey sky
• Go to a beach with friends in say April, during the day, blue sky, most likely atalaya, it'd be too cold for normal people to swim, but we aren't terribly normal
• Eat strawberries
• Go to Horton Gardens
• To Wimington
• To Savannah
• To laugh
• Smile
• Sing
• Have fun
• *Charleston would be cool too, maybe we could go on the premise of checking out "colleges"*
• Read a hell of a lot more. (by the by, coraline from sara)
• go hiking again as well
• That mustang. Moreso, I need it.

I need to definitely get that license.

No more I love you's....

What deadlines do to Tory:

The SAT. The scholastic aptitude test. A ten hour long test where I find myself half way through saying things to myself like “No one cares if it takes Jorge 2 hours to paint his room with 8 cans of paint because most likely he’s going to take breaks and he will, at one point, be interrupted with a cell phone from his girlfriend who is at work, but it is slow and she is bored and wondering if he is doing anything that night.” Oh yes, the SAT. On June 3^rd I will take my fourth and final SAT. My first one in the eighth grade was a significant factor that helped me get into the Scholar’s Academy, and now hopefully these last three will get me into a good college. My only problem is this: I suck at taking tests. I study, do not get me wrong, I always do…but I freak out right before the test. Always have, always will I guess. Of course, I do not act different before hand. I don’t get a good rest; in fact, I stay up till my usual hours of midnight or worse. Also, instead of the “hearty breakfast” I should be eating, I grab some micro waved pizza or (in January) a Baby Ruth bar. I do stuff at least two bags worth of mints in my purse, and suck on them on the occasion I am waiting for the administer to say “time’s up” for section 92. Alright, I admit, I exaggerate here. If my test taking was truly as atrocious as it seems I would not be here in Scholars Academy (What, you thought I got here on charm?), but it could be better. I guess all I can do is study, review, and hope I do not ask myself if Jorge’s wall colors match the curtains.

Not bad for 15 minutes if I do say so myself ("Tory is that article ready? the deadline was yesterday." "What? Oh..um...yeah...lemme just do a few...corrections..yeah.")




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and I'm making an album, with all the earliest songs I can remember here they are:

Seal-kissed by a rose
Annie Lennox-Don't let it bring you down
Procol Harum-Whiter Shade of Pale
James Taylor- sunny skies
Seal- Newborn friend
Tommy Shaw- all in how you say it
Queen-Another one bites the dust
Simply Red- For Your Babies
Sting- Shape of my heart
Loreena McKennitt- All Souls Night
Steely Dan- Bodhisattva

And I might personally add..

Duncan Sheik- She Runs Away
John Mayer- Neon

for the hell of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Came across Carson's ol' blog when I got home from work yesterday, boy that was....strange

czarrie.blogspot.com, just in case i ever forget (no one reads this anyway)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sleep now.

A sickening feeling in my heart...


...maybe it's just the fried food from work and lemon water..



...


...yes i'm pretty sure it was the fried food


Ew god, I'm not eating at work for the rest of the summer..


Other than that life is good. Busy, but good.

Sweet Seventeen

A million roads, a million fearsA million suns, ten million years of uncertaintyI could speak a million lies, a million songs,A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of timeBut if there was a single truth, a single lightA single thought, a singular touch of graceThen following this single point , this single flame,The single haunted memory of your face
~~~~~~~

And what I like about this cat the most,
he stand under mah favourite lamp post

~~~~~~

What do you do when you're full of fear,
and the mirror keeps saying,
objects are closer than they appear?

~~~~~

Painted my dad an angel for his birthday, gave him a sugar cookie at 4 AM in the mornin day of. He was happy. Smooch smooch on cheek "g'nite da" "nite"

Birthday, boring. No she-bang, like it that way. The best present was the sky, course it always is. Fuck family. Fuck friends, fuck james, long as I got mah sky. Not to be rude, I'd be devestated without youse guys, but i'm just sayin the sky would pull me through. Anywho! Drivin drivin drivin "Sure you don't wanna go somewhere nice for your birthday?" "Nah, let's go here." An old sub shop. "Andy's Deli." a lil' old greek man who says to everyone "What can I get for you my friend/dear?" Bag of chips, root beer, and a shitty hot ham and swiss sub later "Astronaut looks crazy, I'll go with it" and mom feels bad. I'm satisfied, stunk of mothballs in there and it was empty. Sweet old guy and disgruntled black busser who is a mom and whos' son is at clemson and didn't send her a fucking card. I liked it. Mom still felt bad. Got lost in Columbia, fell in love with it. Going to USC. Definitely.

~~~~

Mercury Fall and I rise from my bed

~~~

Drivin' home, mom wants to make up my birthday somehow, someway, searches for ice cream on an open and dead road, I told her I'm fine. at least twenty times. Then I point to the gas station and said "I bet they have ice cream bars." We compromise. A "Strawberry Shortcake" wrapper later and I'm admirin my sky while mom tries to dodge asshole bikers. Get home. Chinese food. Cashew Chicken. Not my fortune cookie, got dad's by mistake, don't know what mine was, read on my porchswing.

Something was wrong. felt like crying. Turned off cellphone. Urges. Called Sara, told her to stay at the Wal Mart. Drove to Wal Mart knowing full and well I wouldn't make it home by 9. Sara and I drive to Bi-lo, I buy spoons, she buys pint of "Vermonty Python" ice cream, drive to beach. Sit on beach, eat sandy ice cream (we sit behind a line of chairs that protect us mostly from the sandy winds) admire the sky some more. Talk, eat, smile, tell Sara thanks for one of the best birthday moments ever. Hug. Take her home. Drive fast. Drive at night. Franz Ferdinand, my song "Darts of Pleasure" playing. Think of James. Gotta stop thinking of James. Arrive home. Bubble Bath. Candles. Smell nice. Almost fall asleep, come to room, type up day.

It's hard to say it,

I hate to say it,

but it's probably me.

In the period of a half hour...

I was supposed to write a performance analysis for Susie Huggins English Class:

Oh dear, what can I say?
Where eros' arrow should have hit,
A writer's quill did neatly sit,
And now I'm stuck this way.


I come from a household of bullshitters; of course, I have always done well with the family practice.


I want it to rain. I want to come to my shitty and yet cozy apartment with a broken down couch. I want to come to my home after an awful day of work, and I want it to rain. And I want to have a big bag of Chinese food, with a pint of kung pao, and I want to walk in heels and a business suit with my hair in a messy bun, and it will be a cold rain too, and I will have a small dog named Alex that I thought was an Alexander but turned out to actually be an Alexandra and it really doesn't matter cause either way I'll call it Alex, and I want a broken down and broken in couch that sits on my shitty terrace porch that faces the grey city. And I want to fall asleep to the rain with an empty pint of kung pao by the couch and a huge warm blanket that smells of mildew covering me. I want it to rain real bad.



Let's drive fast baby. In the dessert. Like the movies, no one will be there, just you and I, a car chase. C'mon let's do it. No cops or rules, just you, me, and trouble.

She cries.









Yeah, that's all I got.

Off to...something or somebody

(And thinking it through a greyhound named Danny would work too *of course if female it'd be Danni*)

List

• Go to USC, talk with admissions
• Clean/Rearrange Room
• Make Money so you can go to: NYC (teh gang trip) and Cabin SA trip
• Clean out closets, clothes
• Work out, Curves and eat healthy
• Begin cooking
• Get new agent
• Get new headshots (old ones out of date)
• Check NYCastings are you still there?
• Compile all the money information
• Work in garden

When you're in cairo...

dear diary,
where have you been today? I've been in Cairo.

after a certain acting lesson that i got absolutely nothing out of, i fell asleep on the prince lawn with the novel "Turn of the Screw" quite boorish if you ask me, returned it and decided i'll just spark note it and see if there was anything in the last fifty pages. Here I am at the library. Wanted to hang with monsieur kincaid but decided that he's seen me all week and is most likely sick of "snugglebunny-ing" Although I do need to make him see Sin City. Of course I already planned in a few seconds while typing this that I will tell mom and dad that I'm going to see some movie tomorrow with the rest of that cast (I can just IMDB the flick) and then go over to brit/james place and watch it, but of course he might still not want to see me tomorrow.

I've been so happy being with him though, heh, anywho...

You know, i'm not sure why Cairo, it just feels like it I guess. I really wanted to go to Cairo today and I've been there ever since..

I think I might go read some film magazine on that rack over there

peace out <3

I'm losing heart, and I grow cold.

I think I fell over the deep for him, but now I'm just returning back to perhaps a friendly state. not obsessive, not in love, just a nice fellow

sometimes I am disgusted at myself and my utter ditziness.


It hurts.

-me

Hello World

Easter is here and my sunflowers are bloomin

If you could see my heart right now, it's shinin all the way to you.

*blows kiss*

I love you, whoever you are, do me a favor

smile.

Happiness.

Today was filled with it.
he smells nice

there is a cold play song running through my head now, or at least a loop of the lead singer saying "And the truth is, I miss you oooohhhh" anyway yeah guess what was my first thought when I woke up this morning...

So much can occur in two days. I got into my first car accident. Nah, I wasn't driving (I'm not that bad, sheesh) it was Ben who did the dirty work. But ah, I shall fill you in on this later and my hair cut and bikini and....well nevermind i'll tell ya later

Persuasive Speech for PUBLIC SPEAKING!!!

Okay wowzers, my weekend ahead is already set up and it's monday....well maybe no..I know this

I gotta see the CCU play Oklahoma and Ben's plays at the academy and I think the gang wanted to see V for Vendetta.......shyeah

plus granny is in town which rawks.

And thinking it through, AAST prom is the 20th of May, I get full license the fifteenth. AKA I'm drivin sara there and we'll be uber silly ^_^

Am I screwed?
Maybe.
Okay.

*runs away*

(Ball of Twine: Louis XIV)

I almost cried this morning; yes, I miss him that terribly.

I wanted to speak to him so badly, about what I'm not sure, I've been longing for him all day..

..no instead it was an evening of dreams involving nothingness, instead I hoped it would be about old 1940 cartoons or at least a nightmare.

Funny how you miss those things.

Funny how I miss him...

Bad dream*:

David Jackson wouldn't let go of my wrist and he locked me in a room. Kept trying to make out


Little boy gives woman anal on beach(?)

Ben's off having fun with all the academy girls and all the girls from NMB drama and i wanted to join them but David wouldn't fucking let go. And I really wanted to go hang out with them...

Retarded creepy man who walked funny (Who I have seen before in my dreams) who Kate Catania's father says that he walks into people's house and that he has a small shooting spot in his front yard tree so he can finally kill this weirdo.

Rent. Awooo tonite. Bleh.


That's alll I got....(jaw pops while yawning)


* It was not a nightmare, just a long dream, but when I woke up I wonder and think "no, that was not a good one."

Impulses.

My heart deceives me lately, it beats so quickly and a smile appears.

Today was a good day.

*hums to self, ice age heat wave can't complain*

I do not know whether to go up there and sing or not..

Yesterday was wonderful. I did Ben's eulogy and got a 100 on my psych test, James looks stunning in a fedora that is exactly the same one that Ben bought me for christmas. I even ate a frozen almond joy bar. Then Brittany Wilhelm called me up and dragged me over to the Living Room for open mic nite so she could fawn over a twenty something from Atlanta. He was quiet and in my opinoin not that good at all, he tried to hit on me and Brit both, slightly disgusting, I know. But the fact I was there was enough. Poetry, singing, dimly lit rooms and books with the smell of coffee. I was in heaven, and I think I will go back next Thursday. It was rainy too, I walked in the drizzling rain to McDonalds to see if Britain was working, she wasn't, so I just grabbed some grease and gobbled it down before going on my voyage across the parking lot back to the bohemian living room. I think I will go back again; will I get the courage to go to that microphone? Of course not. Maybe...who knows, my poetry lately hasn't been all that good I just randomly scribble shit in Huggins class, all the talk of poetry gets me thinking, but it isn't all that good things like:

Bypass the small dumpy motel facing the lumberyard,
and the creek that races to a sewer pipe,
say hello, goodbye to the forest nymphs,
and humming electric buildings,
Finally the yellow beast will stop at the asphalt wasteland

And:

The stoplight on 4th and main
is
banging clanging in the wind
and
it stirs him awake.
so that the blind man
can see
the white maelstorm
above him.


I wrote something on the back of a library book about being an entertainer like

"I'm sick of entertaining you
with my witty repartees and gleaming smiles
I wish you could for once not see me under the stage lights
and realize
I have a soul too."

I think it was something like that, it's all so very cliche, I do not really care for it, but i Have been writing it alot lately

Maybe I will sing "Mirror" by Simply Red, it always explains my ongoing battle of cynicism and optimism...

Etienne Davenport is a pretty name don't you think?

I about threw a fucking rock at jey today; Ben and I were in the car and he put his head on my shoulder, my initial reaction being whenever anyone puts their head on my shoulder is to stratch it, so I did, then jey said we should be a couple. This does not bother me with the fact of being told this because I am quite used to telling people "No thanks" but what bothers me is Ben gets very pensive and will not talk to me for a while after people say this. So we were in a car when this occured so he just went silent and took his head off my shoulder. A half hour of silence down the road I had mainly forgiven jey for the comment and was thinking of well, other things, then I poked Ben and asked him what he was thinking "Arizona" "Ah, Courtney. Is she ever coming back?" "She might next year." Courtney is ben's first girlfriend from the eighth grade who is still madly ga ga for, which I think is beautifully sweet.

I was very antisocial. It was Ms. Huggins, Anna, Jey, Chelz, Ben, and me in a car, a small chrysler. We had all just had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays with Stacey and Devdev, and before that suffered a long but terribly easy SAT, although for me the worst was the five minutes of Sly at the end, him seeing if I still could not go see a movie with him today. James callled at Ruby Tuesdays, it made me laugh.

so while at AC Moores so the rest of the girls could check out knitting and use Ben as their tester, i was being "antisocial" and avoiding all of them, I enjoyed the posters and bought 50 tiny candles for 2.00, which ain't too bad.

Ms. Huggins says she loves me, but I am still suspicious of this statement.

Now M&M are away and it is just my mother and I, what joys could the evening hold?

Somebody Shoot Me.

The neon is graffitti...

~~~~

Half awake, I've been that all afternoon. Care to know why I should have just slept all day?

• Bombed Calc Ch 5 Test and didn't turn in homework
• Mistaking my shoe laces for snakes
• Driving recklessly..in a parking lot...in front of a really hott guy
• Standing in front of a class of college kids and saying "And I'll keep using this purse until it's no longer a purse but...felt's not the right word."
• Standing in front of a class of college kids and also saying "And this candle describes me because uhm, it's scent is honeysuckle and smelling it calms me" Then sniffing it in front of the class

Okay this one is from another day, but someone was saying how they love the doors, and well, I confused the cars with the doors so I said "Oh yeah! I saw their lead singer with his model wife in the bahamas last christmas!" to where they gave me an odd look and left...before it dawned on me "Wait, that's Jim morrison...Jim Morrison is dead. Oh god." and then apologizing to that fellow and it made him laugh greatly.

• Back to the day, I also just in about every conversation stuttered
• Almost hitting dog in middle of road, stopping car, having it come to the side of car most likely looking for food, and me holding up traffic
• Also! This has been happening for a little while now but it was worse than ever today, I feel like I've been coming apart at the joints, my jaw keeps popping in and out in and out, but it used to be when I opened my mouth really wide it would do it, now it's minute things like eating or yawning, or even talking! Plus my leg keeps popping in and out..grr

Strange, and here Fiona Apple's voice just melted all that away, I just spent the last few minutes laying on my bed staring at the celing in a dim lit room while she sang O' Sailor

Mm, maybe you shouldn't kill me yet.

Monday: Absolutely freakin nothing.

Tuesday:
8:30-9:45 History 102
10:00-11:15 Calculus/Free time
11:30-12:45 Theatre 140
1:00- 2:15 Psychology 101

Wednesday:
10:00-11:15 (or whatever) AP English IV

Thursday:
8:30-9:45 History 102
10:00-11:15 Calculus/Free time
11:30-12:45 Theatre 140
1:00- 2:15 Psychology 101

Friday:
Maybe English…

It is slightly comical

I found the other songs I had for him, but never put on a CD for his birthday...

..now I question whether I should give them to him, or to just forget them..

hmm oh well, it was moreso memories attached to them than really what the lyrics meant

I believe the cold grey dismal January has me in its clutches...

Have not smiled in a while, have been more of my serious intelligent self. It shows at work, where I pretend to be a quiet, shy, humble idiot, and yet they say I look defensive and they ask if there is something wrong.

I think there might be.

I want to tell him to forget me, to live a beautiful life he is bound to have to concern himself with other girls. I want to read. Not write, not math, I'm not fit for writing even if I have always received an A in my english class, I still detest it. And even though reading about mathematical theories interest me, I just get bored in the tedious intricacies of calculus. No, escape, I just wish to escape to foreign worlds, different characters..

..but it is all becoming a huge game, it is sad I can no longer just read a story, I see underlying messages hidden themes, and what was once a story I loved seemingly has an underbelly teeming with complexities.

Enough looking at the sky, something needs to be done.

I want to:

• Run
• Skip
• Drive really fast, a car chase
• Go to atalaya
• Go to a beach with a grey sky
• Go to a beach with friends in say April, during the day, blue sky, most likely atalaya, it'd be too cold for normal people to swim, but we aren't terribly normal
• Eat strawberries
• Go to Horton Gardens
• To Wimington
• To Savannah
• To laugh
• Smile
• Sing
• Have fun
• *Charleston would be cool too, maybe we could go on the premise of checking out "colleges"*
• Read a hell of a lot more. (by the by, coraline from sara)
• go hiking again as well
• That mustang. Moreso, I need it.

I need to definitely get that license.