Monday, May 31, 2004
Before I go, I thought about my relationships with other people, and I noticed one difference, I don't analyze them and our relationship. I just go with it, of course, we're usually busy talking about other stuff to ever think of it..and we usually have something in common, so that might be why I overanalyze this relationship..hmm, that might be it..oh yeah, for anyone that cares, you click the time or the "wash" or w/e at the bottom of this for the comments, odd I know, I'll work it out later..so that I can see easily who posted a comment or not
Well, I have to leave in a half hour, and I was thinking about what I said last nite with my conversation with Carson. I won't leave, I know I love him and everything, there's nothing to deny there. The summer leaves something to think about, I don't know what we will do because we won't have a schedule to follow (aka every weekend) I doubt...yeah, I do actually, I should stop being like this. I love him, has anything gone wrong yet? No. So why should I even bother messing with it? Well, maybe some things have gone wrong, no, nothing went wrong, there's always been a dark cloud overhead...Oh fuck it, I'll mess with it later, whether it's me wanting him physically or what all I know is I want him, sadly right now. but eh, what can you do? Absolutely nothing, and I'll always have this looming shadow near me, and an loneliness surround me whenever he's not around.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Complainin'
My relationship with Carson has gotten a bit...boorish. Well, I mean, I'm not gonna leave him or anything, but I just feel so..old. I feel like an old decrepit person whenever I'm around him, I don't mind I mean, Aren't I supposed to be young, naieve stupid? Yet I feel like I'm smarter than my age group, *although I may just be conceited*, I mean, I would go to Teen Nite, but..everyone is stupid, sure I like to dance, sure I would love to go dancing, but not with a buncha idiots, just not my cup of tea. I don't know where I fit in the grand scheme of it all..I feel out of place, even Spike pointed out that I am so cool with all my college friends and he was mocking me, but I have no college friends and I feel like I have no highschool friends either..oh who am I kidding? I have tons of friends, true, none of them really fit me. I mean, all of my friends, each and every single one of them, I can relate to partly, there is no one out there that I can relate to as a whole, I'm not a person who is into one main thing, I'm just not. I can relate to a biker to a classical pianist to a person who surfs the net to a physicist, yet, none of them, I dunno, I just never have met a person who could relate to everything I've done, I used to think my parents could, but then I started getting social, and they're not uh, how should I say this "hip to the new groove" they're awesome people, and true, they strive to like new music, but..they just don't get it, I love 'em though. But still, I just feel empty. I guess I should quit my bitching and except my life and enjoy it, but, meh I just wish I could meet someone who knew what I knew, it would make life all the more fun.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
While I look at my life, everything and anything comes from my parents. The only things I've ever earned on my own were:
A) Cedar Branch, I started this program all on my own, my parents were never involved with it, the church was a main part seeing that they would drive me there, and that they helped tutor the children too.
B) Anything I've earned from school. When I say this I mean stupid shit like that Luitenet Governor's piece of writing crap where they provided a hotel for me to go read my writing, a poem. and of course, there's other stuff too, just little essays here and there, and of course, getting A's in school. All that, on my own.
I would say that reading would be apart of my own, but it isn't. My parents were the people who took the initiative to drive me to the library, who suggested books, "Here Tory, 'A Wrinkle In Time', this would be right up your alley." They were there even to help me through emotional troubles, when I would come down around 10 at nite to sob to my mother how no one liked me she would say "Listen, I don't want to hear you complain, so either yer gonna suck it up and watch this British movie with me, or yer gonna go to yer room and cry." I learned to suck it up. I also learned a lot about old British novels, which helped me later in life with many a person who had a major in english novels. My father always had connections too. One way or another I'd meet this person who knew my father, and we'd get off lovely. Hell, even my parent's introduced music to me. I would've been a Britney Spears sorta girl if my parents didn't let me hear a tape of Queen and Aerosmith in the Third Grade, they also helped me to physics, my writing, they even introduced such things like Monty Python, Black adder, The Simpsons, Hard Rock music, Off beat music, Music in general any form they introduced to me. *well..except emo, I've gone ahead of them and already heard that bull* They gave me books. THEY also taught me the worth of a dollar. My parents never ever wanted me to be spoiled, so if I ever wanted something I had to work for it, and they didn't go easy where taking out the trash was $20.00. I remember arguing with them over why I couldn't have an allowance, or why I could never get "$5 for an 'A' on my report card..lots of kids get money for their grades..Moooom how come I can't have it? Mooom.." I thank my mom for showing me that the only thing good from getting an 'A' is money. They also introduced physics! My god, my father would just shove book after book, and my crazy uncle, ah that one summer of staying with him and I learned so much about physics I think I read almost all of Stephen Hawking's work that summer..ah My family has just done so much for me. And for that I thank them.
Thanks mom.
Thanks dad.
Thanks everyone.
You guys will never know how much you've done for me.
Thank you. Thank you all.
I love you guys.
A) Cedar Branch, I started this program all on my own, my parents were never involved with it, the church was a main part seeing that they would drive me there, and that they helped tutor the children too.
B) Anything I've earned from school. When I say this I mean stupid shit like that Luitenet Governor's piece of writing crap where they provided a hotel for me to go read my writing, a poem. and of course, there's other stuff too, just little essays here and there, and of course, getting A's in school. All that, on my own.
I would say that reading would be apart of my own, but it isn't. My parents were the people who took the initiative to drive me to the library, who suggested books, "Here Tory, 'A Wrinkle In Time', this would be right up your alley." They were there even to help me through emotional troubles, when I would come down around 10 at nite to sob to my mother how no one liked me she would say "Listen, I don't want to hear you complain, so either yer gonna suck it up and watch this British movie with me, or yer gonna go to yer room and cry." I learned to suck it up. I also learned a lot about old British novels, which helped me later in life with many a person who had a major in english novels. My father always had connections too. One way or another I'd meet this person who knew my father, and we'd get off lovely. Hell, even my parent's introduced music to me. I would've been a Britney Spears sorta girl if my parents didn't let me hear a tape of Queen and Aerosmith in the Third Grade, they also helped me to physics, my writing, they even introduced such things like Monty Python, Black adder, The Simpsons, Hard Rock music, Off beat music, Music in general any form they introduced to me. *well..except emo, I've gone ahead of them and already heard that bull* They gave me books. THEY also taught me the worth of a dollar. My parents never ever wanted me to be spoiled, so if I ever wanted something I had to work for it, and they didn't go easy where taking out the trash was $20.00. I remember arguing with them over why I couldn't have an allowance, or why I could never get "$5 for an 'A' on my report card..lots of kids get money for their grades..Moooom how come I can't have it? Mooom.." I thank my mom for showing me that the only thing good from getting an 'A' is money. They also introduced physics! My god, my father would just shove book after book, and my crazy uncle, ah that one summer of staying with him and I learned so much about physics I think I read almost all of Stephen Hawking's work that summer..ah My family has just done so much for me. And for that I thank them.
Thanks mom.
Thanks dad.
Thanks everyone.
You guys will never know how much you've done for me.
Thank you. Thank you all.
I love you guys.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I would update you..but seeing that I got a journal for my birthday..I've just kinda lost time to write in you..plus Carson can read here..so what's the purpose? nevermind it all, I'm off, who knows when my next update shall be.. so I'll leave you with the shitty poetry of the day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a town on down the road
that I ain't been before
Nobody knows my name
or what I'm looking for
maybe things will be a little different
cause they can't stay the same
I'm gonna ease on down the road
where nobody knows my name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a town on down the road
that I ain't been before
Nobody knows my name
or what I'm looking for
maybe things will be a little different
cause they can't stay the same
I'm gonna ease on down the road
where nobody knows my name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Oh where oh where is my love?
Oh where oh where is he?
Haven't talked to Carson, oh well, he's probably off taking a break from me, can't blame him really, even I was getting a bit sick..well, actually I wasn't but ah oh well, I'll let him take a break from me if he wants...and it isn't like I would have anything to say...Meh, I still wish I could just talk to him..oh well..I guess I'll deal with it, oh and yes I'll probably make another post, but for now, I'm off to go do some "HEAVY DUTY POWER WORKING" if you get my drift...
Haven't talked to Carson, oh well, he's probably off taking a break from me, can't blame him really, even I was getting a bit sick..well, actually I wasn't but ah oh well, I'll let him take a break from me if he wants...and it isn't like I would have anything to say...Meh, I still wish I could just talk to him..oh well..I guess I'll deal with it, oh and yes I'll probably make another post, but for now, I'm off to go do some "HEAVY DUTY POWER WORKING" if you get my drift...
Emotions experienced today?
Tired? Check
Horny? Check
Kick assy? Check
Sweet? Check
Sour? Check
Wanting to be held? Check
Wanting for the world to fuck off? Check
Wanting to dance? Check
Wanting to sleep? Check
Feeling of love? Check
Busy due to the realization that you're far behind? Check
Laziness? Check
Horny again? Check
Contemplative? Check
Silly? Check
Apathetic? Check
Wanting to sing? Check
Feeling of sweaty? Check
Hungry? check
Okay, that's enough! Back to being busy/horny/lazy/something else!
Tired? Check
Horny? Check
Kick assy? Check
Sweet? Check
Sour? Check
Wanting to be held? Check
Wanting for the world to fuck off? Check
Wanting to dance? Check
Wanting to sleep? Check
Feeling of love? Check
Busy due to the realization that you're far behind? Check
Laziness? Check
Horny again? Check
Contemplative? Check
Silly? Check
Apathetic? Check
Wanting to sing? Check
Feeling of sweaty? Check
Hungry? check
Okay, that's enough! Back to being busy/horny/lazy/something else!
Monday, May 17, 2004
And now for your moment of zen..
And now for your moment of zen..
"Capra Sesso Uomo: You stole your X-Ray?"
"Capra Sesso Uomo: You stole your X-Ray?"
woo.
Okay, picture it, me, belly dancing. Ha, I know, I actually won't go through with it, but I had fun annoying dad. We were looking at this stupid summer camp shit offered by CCU and one of the programs was "middle eastern dancing/belly dancing" and dad was having a cow over it, it was fun.
I'm going to a chiropracter tomorrow, fun. Lesse, today I went to the middle school in the morning and then I left that place to go to the doctor's and then I went back home and stayed there for a half hour waiting for mom to get done with something, and then she took me to CCU, to which I basically just catched up on some homework. I came back this afternoon and then just fell asleep till like 5ish to where I was woken up, then I left home, went out to eat at Duffy Street, went to wal mart, got Franz Ferdinand CD, came home, started doing econ., got in almost religous argument again with Carson, had mom barge in and tell me "GET BACK TO WORK" then had dad barge in saying "We stopped by Krispy Kreme, because we were desperate for some 'Hot Now' doughnuts, want some?" so I had a doughnut, and here I am back to typing on my lovely little laptop with Franz Ferdinand in the background..ah, I love this life.
Okay, picture it, me, belly dancing. Ha, I know, I actually won't go through with it, but I had fun annoying dad. We were looking at this stupid summer camp shit offered by CCU and one of the programs was "middle eastern dancing/belly dancing" and dad was having a cow over it, it was fun.
I'm going to a chiropracter tomorrow, fun. Lesse, today I went to the middle school in the morning and then I left that place to go to the doctor's and then I went back home and stayed there for a half hour waiting for mom to get done with something, and then she took me to CCU, to which I basically just catched up on some homework. I came back this afternoon and then just fell asleep till like 5ish to where I was woken up, then I left home, went out to eat at Duffy Street, went to wal mart, got Franz Ferdinand CD, came home, started doing econ., got in almost religous argument again with Carson, had mom barge in and tell me "GET BACK TO WORK" then had dad barge in saying "We stopped by Krispy Kreme, because we were desperate for some 'Hot Now' doughnuts, want some?" so I had a doughnut, and here I am back to typing on my lovely little laptop with Franz Ferdinand in the background..ah, I love this life.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Great..now I feel very cheap..I just finished my economic budget thingy...
I earned $3050 monthly.
By the end of the whole expenses being paid I had $2025 left over.
Geez, I am cheap...whoosh, go me, I can survive the real world! Yay Tory! Okay, I've been sleepy since 10:30..in fact I can barely type now
::yawn::
Goodnite world.
Oh yeah, tomorrow sounds fun, I'll be waiting outside near the front of the high 'round 7:50 waiting for Mr. Poland, and then I'll go to the middle school to tell kids how "great" SA is, then I'll do go to my regular scoliosis check and then later that nite I'll be going to shoot some more of the show. Oh yeah, tomorrow shall be busy, and I'm sleepy. Nite.
I earned $3050 monthly.
By the end of the whole expenses being paid I had $2025 left over.
Geez, I am cheap...whoosh, go me, I can survive the real world! Yay Tory! Okay, I've been sleepy since 10:30..in fact I can barely type now
::yawn::
Goodnite world.
Oh yeah, tomorrow sounds fun, I'll be waiting outside near the front of the high 'round 7:50 waiting for Mr. Poland, and then I'll go to the middle school to tell kids how "great" SA is, then I'll do go to my regular scoliosis check and then later that nite I'll be going to shoot some more of the show. Oh yeah, tomorrow shall be busy, and I'm sleepy. Nite.
well, I just came back from watching the movie "A Wrinkle in Time" with my family, it sucked crap..badly, but it was in the thought of my parent's, they knew that book and "The Theif Of Always" were my favorite stories as a child in elementary school..I miss those days...I had my usual awesome birthday pizza of creamcheese as the sauce and strawberries as the topping, yum....I'm sleepy and I have to talk with Ms. Frankie in the morning. Goodnite all.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
I wish Carson were online...I really wish to talk with him, meh, oh well, save it for another day I guess...oh and yes, I assume he is just taking a nap or something, but I've already come up with the possibility that he found his real true love and that he is going to dump me after having a wonderful day with some girl. Yes, my paranoid imagination loves to come up with these ideas and make my heart hurt because blah blah, don't ask....I just wish he were on.
Friday, May 14, 2004
I'm doing a project on the homeless, and it feels like I just opened up an old wound. I don't deserve this life, people out there, they just have it so bad, and they're just screwed, I have hope. They don't. Meh, yesterday I had another missions meeting, and you know what? I'm done with physics, I'm going back to tutoring on Wednesdays. I think I'll also work at Helping Hands again this summer, I liked it there. Maybe I'll see if I can get someone from the church to go to the soup kitchen with me next week...hmm..yes, I think I'll do just that. I really just need to do some good, I've been thinking about myself too much lately.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
One side: Purity. I'm just old-fashioned. Plus, it would ruin my life if something went wrong. Plus, I'd kinda rather do it on a bed *yeah right, like that'd ever happen*, not really on a hard ground with mosquitos. Also, I'm 14! *soon to be 15* Aren't I too young for even thinking about that stuff?? I mean, it's been six months, and so far we've gone from things like
"Meh, I'm tired and bored with Tory anymore."
and
"T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you."
Of course, there's also been things like:
"I love ya Tor'. "
and
"Carson True, I love you."
Other side: I want to show him I love him. Everyone does seem to be doing it, here and in just general life, and they seem to get away with it. of course..you don't see the people who don't get away...I mean, it just seems like a normal thing even for girls to do it before they marry, but..also, I've been in "that sorta mood" lately, like I really have wanted to do it..but then, meh the consequences so large.
Meh, I guess I will see..
"Meh, I'm tired and bored with Tory anymore."
and
"T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you."
Of course, there's also been things like:
"I love ya Tor'. "
and
"Carson True, I love you."
Other side: I want to show him I love him. Everyone does seem to be doing it, here and in just general life, and they seem to get away with it. of course..you don't see the people who don't get away...I mean, it just seems like a normal thing even for girls to do it before they marry, but..also, I've been in "that sorta mood" lately, like I really have wanted to do it..but then, meh the consequences so large.
Meh, I guess I will see..
How fucking hard is it for that woman to understand that I am not fucking hungry?!?!?!??!
ARGH!
I don't care if I didn't have a breakfast or a fucking dinner, I'm not hungry. Shit. Moms............................
And I had a huge lunch! Three slices of pizza is a lot to me! I mean, I don't really give a fuck about what I look, I mean, I'm 144 lbs, woo. I don't give a shit. And she thinks I'm worrying about that. pshh. yeah right. I'm just not hungry. I just lost my appetite.....augh, and she told me "I'm going to force food down your mouth tomorrow morning you know." that's great, I'm going to vomit it probably. I don't know what it is, early in the morning, just the sight of some food makes me gag, literally. sheesh, that woman.....ugh.
ARGH!
I don't care if I didn't have a breakfast or a fucking dinner, I'm not hungry. Shit. Moms............................
And I had a huge lunch! Three slices of pizza is a lot to me! I mean, I don't really give a fuck about what I look, I mean, I'm 144 lbs, woo. I don't give a shit. And she thinks I'm worrying about that. pshh. yeah right. I'm just not hungry. I just lost my appetite.....augh, and she told me "I'm going to force food down your mouth tomorrow morning you know." that's great, I'm going to vomit it probably. I don't know what it is, early in the morning, just the sight of some food makes me gag, literally. sheesh, that woman.....ugh.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Hmm, looking back on today, I don't really think I should complain about a routine, because its a good routine. I don't mind being in Carson's arms, I enjoy it, and I don't think I'd give up times like those for anything because that's where I truly am at peace, and with that, I have some things to mention
I won't be doing tennis next year, I've decided to go back to dance, I miss it.
I think I'll be working in my garden this summer, I miss using my own basil and rosemary in cooking
and, I just might get a perm, who knows, i'm in the mood for something new.
Oh yeah.. did I forget to mention that it's "Highly probable" that I have Acid Reflux Disease? joy..
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to read, I need to do that more often.
I won't be doing tennis next year, I've decided to go back to dance, I miss it.
I think I'll be working in my garden this summer, I miss using my own basil and rosemary in cooking
and, I just might get a perm, who knows, i'm in the mood for something new.
Oh yeah.. did I forget to mention that it's "Highly probable" that I have Acid Reflux Disease? joy..
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to read, I need to do that more often.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
ImABadAstronaut7: im really sorry
ImABadAstronaut7: my computer is being really really odd
ImABadAstronaut7: but please tell me whats up
T15WIT: I'm sorry about the delay, I was trying to get some tissues
ImABadAstronaut7: its allright
T15WIT: I just, I just ruined my relationship for six months
T15WIT: Here:
T15WIT: Dear Carson True,
I know you don't want to hear me talk. I'm crying right now as I type. I was laying there in bed, and I just started sobbing, "My God, what have I just done?" I know that I just ruined my relationship with you over my fucking indecisiveness. Oh god, I did it all wrong, I did. As I sit here typing this, I can see you look at it with disgust. I just saw you on, and I came back, and you weren't there.
I love you.
T15WIT: I just really love this guy.
T15WIT: And I just ruined it, he probably hates me now
T15WIT: I just screwed it up.
T15WIT: And it's all my fucking fault.
ImABadAstronaut7: what did you do?
T15WIT: It started when I stated that my life was getting too routine
T15WIT: Because it felt like it was
ImABadAstronaut7: allright
T15WIT: and then he just tried to comfort me
T15WIT: He offered to shake it up, like, maybe we could run away from it all, but then I was saying how I had to take care of things here
T15WIT: and then he was like, "So, you claim you want an adventure, yet you don't want one?"
T15WIT: *which was true, I really wanted one*
T15WIT: and then it ended with both of us saying "I just don't know anymore"
T15WIT: and then we left.
T15WIT: In other words, I messed it up, big time.
ImABadAstronaut7: arnt you two dating anymore?
T15WIT: We've been dating since November
T15WIT: The 7th of November, our last date was Saturday where we saw Van Helsing
ImABadAstronaut7: no i mean did you two break up tonight
T15WIT: I don't know.
T15WIT: It wasn't official
T15WIT: We just...left
T15WIT: I just don't feel like the same person he used to know
T15WIT: I don't think he ever knew me..
ImABadAstronaut7: you probably arnt
ImABadAstronaut7: and he might not have
T15WIT: But I still care about him
ImABadAstronaut7: i dont really know you well
T15WIT: and that what gets me
T15WIT: No one seems to
T15WIT: Not even my family
ImABadAstronaut7: your interresting
T15WIT: but that's not the problem at hand
ImABadAstronaut7: its not your right
ImABadAstronaut7: the real problem at hand is?
T15WIT: The problem at hand is I pointed out I was a walking paradox, and I just lost someone I love.
ImABadAstronaut7: you didnt lose anyone
ImABadAstronaut7: you keep saying that
T15WIT: I think I did.
T15WIT: He was someone to me.
ImABadAstronaut7: but unless he said "its ova babe" then dont count on anything
ImABadAstronaut7: work it out
ImABadAstronaut7: get together with him
T15WIT: No, just because he didn't say it doesn't mean, in his mind he didn't mean it
T15WIT: *sigh*
ImABadAstronaut7: your assuming things
T15WIT: No, I could tell, I think
ImABadAstronaut7: your jumping to hastey conclusions
T15WIT: He just had an air about him, I mean,
T15WIT: Maybe you're right
T15WIT: I'll see him in the morning..
T15WIT: well..
T15WIT: I'm afraid now
ImABadAstronaut7: i had a little saying "when you assume you make an ass out of u and me" so dont think that something is up
ImABadAstronaut7: youll make both of you sick
T15WIT: because what if he claims it's over tomorrow? oh god, I wish he doesn't
ImABadAstronaut7: if he does move on
ImABadAstronaut7: good golly i did
T15WIT: it hurts to do so
T15WIT: yes, but for six months?
T15WIT: Six months of showing your secrets and fears, and being comforted by this person who cared?
ImABadAstronaut7: i dated her for two years
T15WIT: Did you see her day in day out
T15WIT: ?
ImABadAstronaut7: no but i tried
T15WIT: yeah..
T15WIT: btw
T15WIT: I like your little thing about assume
ImABadAstronaut7: "distance is to love what wind is to fire_ it extinguishes the small and enkindles the great"
T15WIT: "Close proximity breeds intimacy"
T15WIT: I dunno..just felt like following up with some other quote.
T15WIT: Thanks Ry
T15WIT: an
T15WIT: I feel better
ImABadAstronaut7: just because you see someone day in and day out deosnt mean that the love is greater than someone who doenst get that chance
ImABadAstronaut7: and if for some reason he decides to end it
ImABadAstronaut7: then your a great person
ImABadAstronaut7: and you will move on and find someone better
T15WIT: Thank you Ryan
T15WIT: Thank you so much
ImABadAstronaut7: if he cant realize what hes got then hes not worth the time
ImABadAstronaut7: that is my metaphorical ten cents
T15WIT: Okay, thank you so much ryan
ImABadAstronaut7: no problem
ImABadAstronaut7: what are friends for eh?
T15WIT: Heh, really
T15WIT: ::hug::
T15WIT: thanks man, you're always there
T15WIT: and If ya ever need me, just gimme an IM
ImABadAstronaut7: no problemo
Okay, I resolved it, I'll just talk with him tomorrow and ask if he hates me or not.
ImABadAstronaut7: my computer is being really really odd
ImABadAstronaut7: but please tell me whats up
T15WIT: I'm sorry about the delay, I was trying to get some tissues
ImABadAstronaut7: its allright
T15WIT: I just, I just ruined my relationship for six months
T15WIT: Here:
T15WIT: Dear Carson True,
I know you don't want to hear me talk. I'm crying right now as I type. I was laying there in bed, and I just started sobbing, "My God, what have I just done?" I know that I just ruined my relationship with you over my fucking indecisiveness. Oh god, I did it all wrong, I did. As I sit here typing this, I can see you look at it with disgust. I just saw you on, and I came back, and you weren't there.
I love you.
T15WIT: I just really love this guy.
T15WIT: And I just ruined it, he probably hates me now
T15WIT: I just screwed it up.
T15WIT: And it's all my fucking fault.
ImABadAstronaut7: what did you do?
T15WIT: It started when I stated that my life was getting too routine
T15WIT: Because it felt like it was
ImABadAstronaut7: allright
T15WIT: and then he just tried to comfort me
T15WIT: He offered to shake it up, like, maybe we could run away from it all, but then I was saying how I had to take care of things here
T15WIT: and then he was like, "So, you claim you want an adventure, yet you don't want one?"
T15WIT: *which was true, I really wanted one*
T15WIT: and then it ended with both of us saying "I just don't know anymore"
T15WIT: and then we left.
T15WIT: In other words, I messed it up, big time.
ImABadAstronaut7: arnt you two dating anymore?
T15WIT: We've been dating since November
T15WIT: The 7th of November, our last date was Saturday where we saw Van Helsing
ImABadAstronaut7: no i mean did you two break up tonight
T15WIT: I don't know.
T15WIT: It wasn't official
T15WIT: We just...left
T15WIT: I just don't feel like the same person he used to know
T15WIT: I don't think he ever knew me..
ImABadAstronaut7: you probably arnt
ImABadAstronaut7: and he might not have
T15WIT: But I still care about him
ImABadAstronaut7: i dont really know you well
T15WIT: and that what gets me
T15WIT: No one seems to
T15WIT: Not even my family
ImABadAstronaut7: your interresting
T15WIT: but that's not the problem at hand
ImABadAstronaut7: its not your right
ImABadAstronaut7: the real problem at hand is?
T15WIT: The problem at hand is I pointed out I was a walking paradox, and I just lost someone I love.
ImABadAstronaut7: you didnt lose anyone
ImABadAstronaut7: you keep saying that
T15WIT: I think I did.
T15WIT: He was someone to me.
ImABadAstronaut7: but unless he said "its ova babe" then dont count on anything
ImABadAstronaut7: work it out
ImABadAstronaut7: get together with him
T15WIT: No, just because he didn't say it doesn't mean, in his mind he didn't mean it
T15WIT: *sigh*
ImABadAstronaut7: your assuming things
T15WIT: No, I could tell, I think
ImABadAstronaut7: your jumping to hastey conclusions
T15WIT: He just had an air about him, I mean,
T15WIT: Maybe you're right
T15WIT: I'll see him in the morning..
T15WIT: well..
T15WIT: I'm afraid now
ImABadAstronaut7: i had a little saying "when you assume you make an ass out of u and me" so dont think that something is up
ImABadAstronaut7: youll make both of you sick
T15WIT: because what if he claims it's over tomorrow? oh god, I wish he doesn't
ImABadAstronaut7: if he does move on
ImABadAstronaut7: good golly i did
T15WIT: it hurts to do so
T15WIT: yes, but for six months?
T15WIT: Six months of showing your secrets and fears, and being comforted by this person who cared?
ImABadAstronaut7: i dated her for two years
T15WIT: Did you see her day in day out
T15WIT: ?
ImABadAstronaut7: no but i tried
T15WIT: yeah..
T15WIT: btw
T15WIT: I like your little thing about assume
ImABadAstronaut7: "distance is to love what wind is to fire_ it extinguishes the small and enkindles the great"
T15WIT: "Close proximity breeds intimacy"
T15WIT: I dunno..just felt like following up with some other quote.
T15WIT: Thanks Ry
T15WIT: an
T15WIT: I feel better
ImABadAstronaut7: just because you see someone day in and day out deosnt mean that the love is greater than someone who doenst get that chance
ImABadAstronaut7: and if for some reason he decides to end it
ImABadAstronaut7: then your a great person
ImABadAstronaut7: and you will move on and find someone better
T15WIT: Thank you Ryan
T15WIT: Thank you so much
ImABadAstronaut7: if he cant realize what hes got then hes not worth the time
ImABadAstronaut7: that is my metaphorical ten cents
T15WIT: Okay, thank you so much ryan
ImABadAstronaut7: no problem
ImABadAstronaut7: what are friends for eh?
T15WIT: Heh, really
T15WIT: ::hug::
T15WIT: thanks man, you're always there
T15WIT: and If ya ever need me, just gimme an IM
ImABadAstronaut7: no problemo
Okay, I resolved it, I'll just talk with him tomorrow and ask if he hates me or not.
Term
Spring Semester 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total Earned Credits Total Grade Points Term GPA
10.00 29.50 2.950
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Course/Section and Title Grade Credits
1 FREN*110 C01 Introductory French I C+ 3.00
2 PHYS*201 CV01 General Physics I C+ 3.00
3 PHYS*201L CV01 General Physics I Laboratory C+ 1.00
4 PHED*101 C01 Lifetime Physical Activity A 3.00
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shit.
That isn't good is it? I honestly don't know anything about GPA, what's the highest you can get? 5? *sigh* shit shit
Spring Semester 2004
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total Earned Credits Total Grade Points Term GPA
10.00 29.50 2.950
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Course/Section and Title Grade Credits
1 FREN*110 C01 Introductory French I C+ 3.00
2 PHYS*201 CV01 General Physics I C+ 3.00
3 PHYS*201L CV01 General Physics I Laboratory C+ 1.00
4 PHED*101 C01 Lifetime Physical Activity A 3.00
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shit.
That isn't good is it? I honestly don't know anything about GPA, what's the highest you can get? 5? *sigh* shit shit
Monday, May 10, 2004
Charlie and Eleanor are looking less and less of anything, tis okay actually, well, I mean like, I just don't think I could ever have children, or even marry when I'm older, I might be lonely, but eh, I could do things I want to do, like see the world, and if I ever had children, they would get in the way of my acting career, in fact, any career.
I was deleting some of my old word documents when I came upon one called "Don't Read", so what did I do? I opened it, it was the conversation I had with Carson where we were breaking up. God, I'm a kook, I don't know why I kept that, but it sure as hell made me feel guilty and it also made me want to be in his arms. I'm catching up on my homework, praise da lawd. Which reminds me, I finished my crap ass story, I'll post it below. One more thing, I'm not going to shave anymore, too damn tedious, I know nair might smell weird, but I don't give a shit, it's fast. anyway, the shit, here:
7:16 AM, March 2004
A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.
5:37 PM, March 1982
Well, this is it.
I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo
Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.
7:18 AM March, 2004
“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”
“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.
“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”
“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who am I kidding? I can't write. if at the most I can screenwrite but that's mostly because I've seen enough of them to know how you would write it..I'm tired, I'm off to bed now..
I was deleting some of my old word documents when I came upon one called "Don't Read", so what did I do? I opened it, it was the conversation I had with Carson where we were breaking up. God, I'm a kook, I don't know why I kept that, but it sure as hell made me feel guilty and it also made me want to be in his arms. I'm catching up on my homework, praise da lawd. Which reminds me, I finished my crap ass story, I'll post it below. One more thing, I'm not going to shave anymore, too damn tedious, I know nair might smell weird, but I don't give a shit, it's fast. anyway, the shit, here:
7:16 AM, March 2004
A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.
5:37 PM, March 1982
Well, this is it.
I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo
Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.
7:18 AM March, 2004
“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”
“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.
“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”
“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who am I kidding? I can't write. if at the most I can screenwrite but that's mostly because I've seen enough of them to know how you would write it..I'm tired, I'm off to bed now..
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Friday, May 07, 2004
Hmm...I just finished a conversation with Carson, Wish I could've asked him what he meant by "live" but, eh I'll save dive into that for a rainy day or something..Besides, they say curiosity killed the cat *nlt* so maybe it would be best if I not even think about that, oh and I let Sara read Carson's last comment about the rocking chair thing..she's going to slap you tomorrow, or so she says, and "no nlt" okay well..really nite world.
well, Sara and I just got back from babysitting at my church, babysitting, ha, more like sitting in rocking chairs waiting for children that would never come. We each got 20 bucks, so I'm happy. Right now I'm listening to broadway music *The Producers at the current moment* and Sara is reading right now my old books by beatrix potter, *tom kitten, peter rabbit, etc.* and soon we'll both watch "The Ed Wood Story" I wanted to show it to Carson, maybe I will someday *Ha, thought I could make a post without mentioning him eh?* Ah, it's just been a beautiful day. It's been a beautiful week, come to think of it. I'm just in..well, not happy, just I just feel beautiful, and I dunno, just no word for this sense of elation. Ah, beautiful. Goodnite world.
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| adopt your own virtual pet! |
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| adopt your own virtual pet! |
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| adopt your own virtual pet! |
Aww...Erm, sorry got a bit bunny crazy...I can't remember where but I remember those names from my childhood..perhaps some story or something..
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| adopt your own virtual pet! |
awww...
He's Ford's Friend ^_^
Yes, I am sitting next to Sara,
And yes, I have been sitting next to her for ...two hours now...and I got another 45 Minutes to go! w00t!
Today, so far has been a great day.
I can't really just name everything that has happened today, it just has been great, and it isn't even half way through yet, ah, I love this life. I'm far behind and now I'm starting to catch up and nah, best not even talk of why it's so great, just let it soak in, ah thank you, whoever you are, thank you.
I can't really just name everything that has happened today, it just has been great, and it isn't even half way through yet, ah, I love this life. I'm far behind and now I'm starting to catch up and nah, best not even talk of why it's so great, just let it soak in, ah thank you, whoever you are, thank you.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Mr. True, what will I do with you?
Ah, I finished my math homework except for the graphing I'll wake up early for that, but whilst doing the equations and such I couldn't help think about Carson I love him. At one point I found that I had drifted away from my textbook and was sitting on my bed holding a pillow, och, gotta stop that. then I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling thinking of thoughts, one thing that got me was this subconscious thing I never gave thought too, I know that I've told Carson before "You know, it's okay if you want to leave." When I say that, I don't really want him to leave. I just don't want to see him to feel guilty or something if he ever stopped having any emotions for me. I mean, that's one reason why I hesitate to tell him I love him. I just don't want to see him hurt, even in the oddest sense. I just want to see him happy. I'd give up my own emotions, just to see him happy. Meh, maybe I just need some rest. I know this will hurt in the end but I just have to say it.
Carson True, I love you.
Ah, I finished my math homework except for the graphing I'll wake up early for that, but whilst doing the equations and such I couldn't help think about Carson I love him. At one point I found that I had drifted away from my textbook and was sitting on my bed holding a pillow, och, gotta stop that. then I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling thinking of thoughts, one thing that got me was this subconscious thing I never gave thought too, I know that I've told Carson before "You know, it's okay if you want to leave." When I say that, I don't really want him to leave. I just don't want to see him to feel guilty or something if he ever stopped having any emotions for me. I mean, that's one reason why I hesitate to tell him I love him. I just don't want to see him hurt, even in the oddest sense. I just want to see him happy. I'd give up my own emotions, just to see him happy. Meh, maybe I just need some rest. I know this will hurt in the end but I just have to say it.
Carson True, I love you.
I'm going to say this now and get it over with..
my little brother and sister aren't that bad..I guess, nah they're cool,
I usually detest to babysit them, but I guess we've "bonded" over the years, we've gone from me screaming "I'm going to kill you!" to me eating lots and lotsa candy and then doing tons of spinny turns and playing tag with them, and cranking music and doing freeform dancing, ah, I love ya two, you're goofy, but I love ya. Thanks, tonite was fun :p
my little brother and sister aren't that bad..I guess, nah they're cool,
I usually detest to babysit them, but I guess we've "bonded" over the years, we've gone from me screaming "I'm going to kill you!" to me eating lots and lotsa candy and then doing tons of spinny turns and playing tag with them, and cranking music and doing freeform dancing, ah, I love ya two, you're goofy, but I love ya. Thanks, tonite was fun :p
UltraDan0 [7:51 PM]: Back
UltraDan0 [7:51 PM]: Trash
UltraDan0 [7:51 PM]: eh...
T15WIT [7:51 PM]: Moi?
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Nah
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Just smelly
UltraDan0 [7:52 PM]: I took out the trash just now I mean.
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: oh
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: ::slaps you::
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Don' ask, i was just in the mood to slap someone across their face
UltraDan0 [7:53 PM]: Didn't do much, just text :D
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Made me feel better
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Okay, remind me to slap you across your face tomorrow :p
UltraDan0 [7:53 PM]: k
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Hmm
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: What's new with you Danny boy?
UltraDan0 [7:54 PM]: Not much
T15WIT [7:54 PM]: Oh?
T15WIT [7:54 PM]: Hey, Carson hitting on some other girl at school? Might as well see...
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: Your funny...he has no chance.
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: So does he?
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: I have no clue what your statement meant there, a couple of forms I could've put that in..
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: He doesn't hit on other girls
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: oh
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: okay then
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: He has no chance in freezing hell.
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: you know you're now my annual checker upper :p
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: how come?
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: Okay, does he ever..noo..nevermind..of course he flirts with other girls, even I couldn't blame him for that
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: He's tall, not clean shaven, and smells of old guitar. He never hits on girls, and rambles incesently and randomly.
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: Answer your question.
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: ?
T15WIT [7:57 PM]: Heh, okay
T15WIT [7:57 PM]: Yesh, but he is a good kisser, so I dunno maybe, ah nevermind
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: and yes, I put that in there to piss you off :p
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: Oh, I'm such a bitch.
UltraDan0 [7:58 PM]: What can you compare him to?
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: I dunno, I've never kissed another guy..before..dammit he has a point
UltraDan0 [7:58 PM]: I could be a good kisser for all you know.
T15WIT [7:59 PM]: Yesh, but you see, you were too fresh with me when we met, so you have no chance in hell
UltraDan0 [7:59 PM]: I know.
T15WIT [7:59 PM]: yep
UltraDan0 [7:59 PM]: I have 70 dollars and nothing to spend it on...
T15WIT [8:00 PM]: Heh, go get yourself a prostitute, and have some fun having her do your dishes for a day :p
UltraDan0 [8:00 PM]: No thanks...
T15WIT [8:00 PM]: Okay..why don't you just put it in the bank and let it collect intrest?
T15WIT [8:01 PM]: or..go to charles shcwab and take a chance in the stocks
UltraDan0 [8:01 PM]: Cause this is my free money...I have 600 banked already.
T15WIT [8:02 PM]: So? I dunno, if you saved it for something, like say you buy a better car then some lameo junker when you turn 16 or whenever
T15WIT [8:02 PM]: Heh, you're talking to the wrong person here, I just put my money in the bank, I don't like to spend money that much..
UltraDan0 [8:03 PM]: If I had a girlfriend, she'd be spoiled o.O
T15WIT [8:03 PM]: Heh, who'd want a spoiled brat for a girlfriend anyway?
UltraDan0 [8:04 PM]: Well not that spoiled.
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: God, I could never have a bf who was snobbish and was spoiled and always got his way..
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: not like that..
UltraDan0 [8:04 PM]: I'm going to play some stepmania.
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: okay, have fun.
UltraDan0 [7:51 PM]: Trash
UltraDan0 [7:51 PM]: eh...
T15WIT [7:51 PM]: Moi?
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Nah
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Just smelly
UltraDan0 [7:52 PM]: I took out the trash just now I mean.
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: oh
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: ::slaps you::
T15WIT [7:52 PM]: Don' ask, i was just in the mood to slap someone across their face
UltraDan0 [7:53 PM]: Didn't do much, just text :D
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Made me feel better
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Okay, remind me to slap you across your face tomorrow :p
UltraDan0 [7:53 PM]: k
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: Hmm
T15WIT [7:53 PM]: What's new with you Danny boy?
UltraDan0 [7:54 PM]: Not much
T15WIT [7:54 PM]: Oh?
T15WIT [7:54 PM]: Hey, Carson hitting on some other girl at school? Might as well see...
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: Your funny...he has no chance.
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: So does he?
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: I have no clue what your statement meant there, a couple of forms I could've put that in..
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: He doesn't hit on other girls
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: oh
T15WIT [7:55 PM]: okay then
UltraDan0 [7:55 PM]: He has no chance in freezing hell.
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: you know you're now my annual checker upper :p
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: how come?
T15WIT [7:56 PM]: Okay, does he ever..noo..nevermind..of course he flirts with other girls, even I couldn't blame him for that
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: He's tall, not clean shaven, and smells of old guitar. He never hits on girls, and rambles incesently and randomly.
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: Answer your question.
UltraDan0 [7:57 PM]: ?
T15WIT [7:57 PM]: Heh, okay
T15WIT [7:57 PM]: Yesh, but he is a good kisser, so I dunno maybe, ah nevermind
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: and yes, I put that in there to piss you off :p
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: Oh, I'm such a bitch.
UltraDan0 [7:58 PM]: What can you compare him to?
T15WIT [7:58 PM]: I dunno, I've never kissed another guy..before..dammit he has a point
UltraDan0 [7:58 PM]: I could be a good kisser for all you know.
T15WIT [7:59 PM]: Yesh, but you see, you were too fresh with me when we met, so you have no chance in hell
UltraDan0 [7:59 PM]: I know.
T15WIT [7:59 PM]: yep
UltraDan0 [7:59 PM]: I have 70 dollars and nothing to spend it on...
T15WIT [8:00 PM]: Heh, go get yourself a prostitute, and have some fun having her do your dishes for a day :p
UltraDan0 [8:00 PM]: No thanks...
T15WIT [8:00 PM]: Okay..why don't you just put it in the bank and let it collect intrest?
T15WIT [8:01 PM]: or..go to charles shcwab and take a chance in the stocks
UltraDan0 [8:01 PM]: Cause this is my free money...I have 600 banked already.
T15WIT [8:02 PM]: So? I dunno, if you saved it for something, like say you buy a better car then some lameo junker when you turn 16 or whenever
T15WIT [8:02 PM]: Heh, you're talking to the wrong person here, I just put my money in the bank, I don't like to spend money that much..
UltraDan0 [8:03 PM]: If I had a girlfriend, she'd be spoiled o.O
T15WIT [8:03 PM]: Heh, who'd want a spoiled brat for a girlfriend anyway?
UltraDan0 [8:04 PM]: Well not that spoiled.
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: God, I could never have a bf who was snobbish and was spoiled and always got his way..
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: not like that..
UltraDan0 [8:04 PM]: I'm going to play some stepmania.
T15WIT [8:04 PM]: okay, have fun.
Well, mom's mad at me now, she doesn't like my new sleeping schedule where I get home, fall straight asleep then stay up all nite tilll like 4AM, I don't mind it, but ah oh well, guess I'll have to change it soon..
In other news, Dad brought over his Canadian friend who hates French people, so I didn't mention to him that I am taking French class...
In other other news, I'm babysitting tonite, augh. And also Brandon told me that you needed the administrative password to get internet access other than the CCUnwired..which is odd because I have internet access and I didn't need to type in any password..that I remember of..I think I just clicked on something and it was just a matter of some process I can't really explain, oh well.
In other other this is getting old news, I was thinking this morning about my life, although I kinda tried to stop thinking when Carson came around, it's just been getting to me, I don't know. Where am I going? Does it really matter? Yes, yes it does, och, where am I going? I first thought that maybe it would be good to go into physics and get a degree there and then go into acting so then I could have something I could fall back on, yet physics seems to be having less and less jobs in that department, even if it is quite interesting. So then last nite I was thinking what if I got a bussiness major and that way I could do the whole thing I could fall back on *even though I don't really even know what it is* and then I could also have a little hint of what I was signing in a contract...*sigh* I'm off to go make pizza for the twins, bye world.
In other news, Dad brought over his Canadian friend who hates French people, so I didn't mention to him that I am taking French class...
In other other news, I'm babysitting tonite, augh. And also Brandon told me that you needed the administrative password to get internet access other than the CCUnwired..which is odd because I have internet access and I didn't need to type in any password..that I remember of..I think I just clicked on something and it was just a matter of some process I can't really explain, oh well.
In other other this is getting old news, I was thinking this morning about my life, although I kinda tried to stop thinking when Carson came around, it's just been getting to me, I don't know. Where am I going? Does it really matter? Yes, yes it does, och, where am I going? I first thought that maybe it would be good to go into physics and get a degree there and then go into acting so then I could have something I could fall back on, yet physics seems to be having less and less jobs in that department, even if it is quite interesting. So then last nite I was thinking what if I got a bussiness major and that way I could do the whole thing I could fall back on *even though I don't really even know what it is* and then I could also have a little hint of what I was signing in a contract...*sigh* I'm off to go make pizza for the twins, bye world.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Shit. Shit fuck shit. argh, why does she keep doing this to me???
"Hey mom, I just was talking with Carson, and he was okay with the whole ice cream deal."
"Oh Tory! I forgot to tell you, dad and I will be going to one of your dad's friends parties blahblahblahcan'tdoitsorryblahblahblahjusttellcarsonsorryblahblahblah"
Fuck you bitch. You keep pulling this shit on me, and in the end it looks like I like to give out empty promises, which happens to be, the one thing I hate to do..argh that's it that's it, whenever I want to do something, I'll just keep my mouth shut. Och, I'm off to go take a fucking shower and hope I'll drain away the anger..god what a fucking bitch argh I hate that! I mean, I've had to tell people "Oh I'm sorry, it seems that I lied to you..again.." I don't want to look like that! I don't really want to be known as "The girl with empty promises" och fuck this. I'm never speaking up again if I ever have an idea to do something.
~ "The girl with empty promises"
"Hey mom, I just was talking with Carson, and he was okay with the whole ice cream deal."
"Oh Tory! I forgot to tell you, dad and I will be going to one of your dad's friends parties blahblahblahcan'tdoitsorryblahblahblahjusttellcarsonsorryblahblahblah"
Fuck you bitch. You keep pulling this shit on me, and in the end it looks like I like to give out empty promises, which happens to be, the one thing I hate to do..argh that's it that's it, whenever I want to do something, I'll just keep my mouth shut. Och, I'm off to go take a fucking shower and hope I'll drain away the anger..god what a fucking bitch argh I hate that! I mean, I've had to tell people "Oh I'm sorry, it seems that I lied to you..again.." I don't want to look like that! I don't really want to be known as "The girl with empty promises" och fuck this. I'm never speaking up again if I ever have an idea to do something.
~ "The girl with empty promises"
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Well, I did it.
I just got rid of my old '95 Computer that was just collecting dust. Now I have a table and a desk I want to get rid of, oh yeah, there will be some room rearranging this summer. But for now, I'll let it stay like this, ah, I was a bit mad mom was there to pick me up, she ruined my surprise for everyone, plan was that the carpet guy was coming over to our house, so mom wouldn't be able to pick me up till after school, and I was hoping on surprising everyone after school by saying hi to them, but ah oh well, nothing lost nothing gained I suppose. I believe I have a cold, well, I took some non drowsy stuff and it's finally kicking in because I feel fine, but still I probably do have a cold..
Sorry Carson!
Okay, I'm off to go wipe off all this dust and stuff and throw away things I don't need, bye!
I just got rid of my old '95 Computer that was just collecting dust. Now I have a table and a desk I want to get rid of, oh yeah, there will be some room rearranging this summer. But for now, I'll let it stay like this, ah, I was a bit mad mom was there to pick me up, she ruined my surprise for everyone, plan was that the carpet guy was coming over to our house, so mom wouldn't be able to pick me up till after school, and I was hoping on surprising everyone after school by saying hi to them, but ah oh well, nothing lost nothing gained I suppose. I believe I have a cold, well, I took some non drowsy stuff and it's finally kicking in because I feel fine, but still I probably do have a cold..
Sorry Carson!
Okay, I'm off to go wipe off all this dust and stuff and throw away things I don't need, bye!
Hmm, seems that it was carson who did the hitler thing off of larson's last year, I forgot what brought Dayne to say it, but I remember Dayne mentioning that, well, heh, I could have either :
A) Freaked out, and think such thoughts "He's too bad for me"
or
B) Not be surprised at all, I could see him doing that actually..
After that I had Kobie and a someone else ask if I could get Carson to teach them some things..pssh, c'mon people, does it look like I talk to him? I'm not his secretary, I'm his um...whore...well no, I don't know what exactly I am, ah, and maxey enters the room, bye for now
A) Freaked out, and think such thoughts "He's too bad for me"
or
B) Not be surprised at all, I could see him doing that actually..
After that I had Kobie and a someone else ask if I could get Carson to teach them some things..pssh, c'mon people, does it look like I talk to him? I'm not his secretary, I'm his um...whore...well no, I don't know what exactly I am, ah, and maxey enters the room, bye for now
Monday, May 03, 2004
Okay, I was making myself some chammomile when mom invited me to see a show with her, it was about a chechen ballet, which was quite interesting, until mom got all femnazi over how when women wear skirts and dresses like the really long ones and all women of a country/area wear them, that it's like showing that the "man" rules it all..Kinda reminds me of this Sunday morning, Ms. Frankie and Spike got in a huge argument if women were equal in America, it was fun to watch. well, I'm off to bed now, for real, I'm in my PJs and I'm honestly tired...must be this annie lennox song..okay...nite all
I'm just gonna take a break from the computer tonite, I'm tired and also my throat is killing me, *no surprise there, half my family has strep so I was bound to get it* I think I'll just curl up with a good book and some herbal tea with honey and fall asleep or something to that affect. Ayup, my day's been busy and I think I need a well deserved break now.
...
Oh yeah that reminds me
"Brandon's gonna burn in hell
doo da doo da
Brandon's gonna burn in hell
oh doo doo da day"
Let this be a warning to ye :p
...
Oh yeah that reminds me
"Brandon's gonna burn in hell
doo da doo da
Brandon's gonna burn in hell
oh doo doo da day"
Let this be a warning to ye :p
Holy,
I just gave some thought to it..
My first date with Carson was the 7th of November..
It'll be six months since our first date on May 7th.
Ack. Holy holy has it been that long? All of that has been only six months? I don't know whether it seems long or short or what but geez it just doesn't feel like six months...odd
Oh yeah, I'm listening to this odd band called "Pet Shop Boys" I think I'll check more up on them later..
I just gave some thought to it..
My first date with Carson was the 7th of November..
It'll be six months since our first date on May 7th.
Ack. Holy holy has it been that long? All of that has been only six months? I don't know whether it seems long or short or what but geez it just doesn't feel like six months...odd
Oh yeah, I'm listening to this odd band called "Pet Shop Boys" I think I'll check more up on them later..
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Okay, I'm better, I was a total moron and actually told Carson what I did *smacks head* sheesh, that was wrong he got all worried like I was going to kill myself, nah I've tried, I reassured him that since I have people who love me that I'll stay around, and I'll probably always have someone love me so it's okay, but god I need to see a shriek, I hate myself. I really honestly hate myself. And I guess that's a problem I need to fix later, but for now maybe an end to the person telling me all my faults for the nite will make me feel better...
And it isn't like this is the first time I've done it, oh no, I did it in the third grade, I have notebooks with words scribbled, Tory is a big fat dumb stupid head, of course as you can see my language rose to higher negative terms, but right *cough* bed, I'm going to it soon, goodnite
And it isn't like this is the first time I've done it, oh no, I did it in the third grade, I have notebooks with words scribbled, Tory is a big fat dumb stupid head, of course as you can see my language rose to higher negative terms, but right *cough* bed, I'm going to it soon, goodnite
I just hurt myself, not physically, I mean, well god tory you are such a mother fucking bitch who needs to shut the hell up, you ruin everything don't you? I mean, here you had this beautiful relationship with Carson, oh god it was so beautiful, you were both in love, deep in it, and it was great wasn't it? But nooo you had to ruin it with bringing both of you back to reality! What? Why did you go back to reality when you had this dream that was so great in front of you? Why did you go back and accept responsiblity? God I hate you mother fucker bitch, I wish you would die Tory you piece of scum you don't deserve to live, hell you don't even deserve to die, that would be too easy for a thing like you, I still don't know what I should do with you, I hate you Tory, I hate you.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
We skipped the light fandango
turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny what songs your parents use as lullabies on you as small children...I think I loved this one, and one called "Don't let it bring you down" as my favorites
::starts humming::
Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning
Find someone who's turning
and you will come around
turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny what songs your parents use as lullabies on you as small children...I think I loved this one, and one called "Don't let it bring you down" as my favorites
::starts humming::
Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning
Find someone who's turning
and you will come around
Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And think of all the great things we would do
Chorus:
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Then the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the tavern
We'd smile at one another and we'd say
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me?
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh, my friend, we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the dreams are still the same...
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And think of all the great things we would do
Chorus:
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Then the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the tavern
We'd smile at one another and we'd say
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me?
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh, my friend, we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the dreams are still the same...
Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days
Oh, yes, those were the days
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
This was some old poetry I recall from last year, there's music to it, but alas, I cannot put that upon here.. :
Black Panthers staring at me,
as the world starts to go down,
people staring at me,
and there's no hero around,
now everybody's screaming,
about everybody's fights,
lit up pandemonium,
and let it burn into the nite,
And singing "Oo lah lah"
Here comes the sun
It'll take all your troubles away
and singing "Oo lah lah"
Here comes the sun
It'll make all that chaos stay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you I love you she cries
as the tears roll down her eyes
And you don't really care now do ya?
You don't really care at all
You don't really care now do ya?
She weeps as she starts to fall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't ask
Black Panthers staring at me,
as the world starts to go down,
people staring at me,
and there's no hero around,
now everybody's screaming,
about everybody's fights,
lit up pandemonium,
and let it burn into the nite,
And singing "Oo lah lah"
Here comes the sun
It'll take all your troubles away
and singing "Oo lah lah"
Here comes the sun
It'll make all that chaos stay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you I love you she cries
as the tears roll down her eyes
And you don't really care now do ya?
You don't really care at all
You don't really care now do ya?
She weeps as she starts to fall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't ask
T15WIT: remind me to kill you.
cold x autumn: why?
T15WIT: Do you know what it's like to be told you're a bitch?
cold x autumn: yes
T15WIT: "Tory why are you such a bitch all the time? Those two boys seemed nice, I can't believe you."
T15WIT: Yes, by your own father?
cold x autumn: no, i guess not
cold x autumn: sorry
T15WIT: Listen, I'll give you your money on monday
T15WIT: I'm sorry
T15WIT: How much do I owe? 30 cents?
T15WIT: 35, nvm
T15WIT: bye
cold x autumn: dont. i was an asshole about it
cold x autumn: i admit that
T15WIT: nah, I was a bitch
cold x autumn: no
T15WIT: I owed you money and I didn't promptly give it to you
cold x autumn: yeah, but i shouldnt have gone to your father
T15WIT: I should've been smart and just given it to you the next day
T15WIT: Nah, it's okay, sorry,
T15WIT: bye
cold x autumn: ok, bye
I wasn't mad at Bryan for wanting his money, that was my own fault, and I shouldn't have blamed it on him like that, dad would've found another thing to call me a "lazy ass damn ugly bitch" for but I guess I just didn't want to hear again, I'm sorry Bryan for telling you about it and bringing guilt like that upon you, oops, you are an awesome guy to hang out with, and you didn't know my father would do that to me, but ouch did it hurt. That was Friday afternoon driving to work, I in a way forgot about it, oh well
cold x autumn: why?
T15WIT: Do you know what it's like to be told you're a bitch?
cold x autumn: yes
T15WIT: "Tory why are you such a bitch all the time? Those two boys seemed nice, I can't believe you."
T15WIT: Yes, by your own father?
cold x autumn: no, i guess not
cold x autumn: sorry
T15WIT: Listen, I'll give you your money on monday
T15WIT: I'm sorry
T15WIT: How much do I owe? 30 cents?
T15WIT: 35, nvm
T15WIT: bye
cold x autumn: dont. i was an asshole about it
cold x autumn: i admit that
T15WIT: nah, I was a bitch
cold x autumn: no
T15WIT: I owed you money and I didn't promptly give it to you
cold x autumn: yeah, but i shouldnt have gone to your father
T15WIT: I should've been smart and just given it to you the next day
T15WIT: Nah, it's okay, sorry,
T15WIT: bye
cold x autumn: ok, bye
I wasn't mad at Bryan for wanting his money, that was my own fault, and I shouldn't have blamed it on him like that, dad would've found another thing to call me a "lazy ass damn ugly bitch" for but I guess I just didn't want to hear again, I'm sorry Bryan for telling you about it and bringing guilt like that upon you, oops, you are an awesome guy to hang out with, and you didn't know my father would do that to me, but ouch did it hurt. That was Friday afternoon driving to work, I in a way forgot about it, oh well
| Which poem are you? The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot God, you're indecisive. You're not that great, but you don't know if you want to accept that. You appreciate beauty and observe things others may not, but you're also hopelessly impaled on your own foolish romanticism. Go you.
|
| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
imabadastronaut7: why?>
imabadastronaut7: thats so sad
T15WIT: because I'm out of the loop
imabadastronaut7: the loop?
T15WIT: at the high, and even at the s.a.
imabadastronaut7: im still lost
T15WIT: at the highschool, my bf and sara will make jokes, and they'll be like "Sorry Tory, since you're not at 4th block at our school, you won't understand our little jokes"
T15WIT: and even at the scholar's academy, the school I go to, I have lunch differently from everyone else one mon. wed. and fri.
imabadastronaut7: thats no fun
T15WIT: so on thurs. they were all having pizza they ordered and I couldn't have any because I wasn't there wed. to know they'd be ordering any
T15WIT: like, they have relay for lif
T15WIT: *life
T15WIT: and I didn't know they had it tonite
imabadastronaut7: no fun at all
imabadastronaut7: well who cares about high school anyway?
T15WIT: well, I found out fri. morning at the high, and all the kids at S.A. were going because they mentioned it on wed. at lunch
T15WIT: I do..
T15WIT: I have no friends now
imabadastronaut7: you have the show, how is that comming?
T15WIT: well..I mean I have Sara and Carson, but it feels like a whole other world
T15WIT: and they get tired of explaining to me what's happening
T15WIT: or what their jokes were
imabadastronaut7: i know how you feel
T15WIT: the show is coming fine
T15WIT: but you see
imabadastronaut7: ive been in the same position, and i know its no fun
T15WIT: all the other kids there are from the same town
T15WIT: so I'm even out of the loop there
T15WIT: it isn't
imabadastronaut7: yeah, its not any fun
T15WIT: sorry for you to listen to me complain like this I oughta shut up
imabadastronaut7: nah thats allright
imabadastronaut7: i know how it feels, but one day i decided that nobody matters but myself
imabadastronaut7: and i don need anyone
imabadastronaut7: dont*
T15WIT: Yeah, well, not to be rude, I've done that too
T15WIT: but I was killing myself on the inside
imabadastronaut7: it is tough
T15WIT: It was
T15WIT: that was me in 6th and 7th and it's all happening again
imabadastronaut7: why not 8th?
T15WIT: because ben was there, and he actually wanted to be my friend
imabadastronaut7: doenst he anymore?
T15WIT: and then I met you and sara
T15WIT: we don't see each other
imabadastronaut7: im such a loser though, so you should even include me
imabadastronaut7: lol
T15WIT: lol
T15WIT: Ryan, you were so fun to hang out with
T15WIT: you were, you were funny, like ducks in kilts in the popemobile
T15WIT: that was great stuff man
imabadastronaut7: yeah it was
imabadastronaut7: i know what you should do!
imabadastronaut7: get a hobby
T15WIT: yus?
T15WIT: lol
imabadastronaut7: i did
T15WIT: oh?
imabadastronaut7: and now im happy
T15WIT: what
T15WIT: ?
imabadastronaut7: well im taking kung fu, and im in a rockin band
T15WIT: kewl
T15WIT: Hmm
T15WIT: I might...brb sry
imabadastronaut7: allrighty
Ryan, I love ya man, thank you.
imabadastronaut7: thats so sad
T15WIT: because I'm out of the loop
imabadastronaut7: the loop?
T15WIT: at the high, and even at the s.a.
imabadastronaut7: im still lost
T15WIT: at the highschool, my bf and sara will make jokes, and they'll be like "Sorry Tory, since you're not at 4th block at our school, you won't understand our little jokes"
T15WIT: and even at the scholar's academy, the school I go to, I have lunch differently from everyone else one mon. wed. and fri.
imabadastronaut7: thats no fun
T15WIT: so on thurs. they were all having pizza they ordered and I couldn't have any because I wasn't there wed. to know they'd be ordering any
T15WIT: like, they have relay for lif
T15WIT: *life
T15WIT: and I didn't know they had it tonite
imabadastronaut7: no fun at all
imabadastronaut7: well who cares about high school anyway?
T15WIT: well, I found out fri. morning at the high, and all the kids at S.A. were going because they mentioned it on wed. at lunch
T15WIT: I do..
T15WIT: I have no friends now
imabadastronaut7: you have the show, how is that comming?
T15WIT: well..I mean I have Sara and Carson, but it feels like a whole other world
T15WIT: and they get tired of explaining to me what's happening
T15WIT: or what their jokes were
imabadastronaut7: i know how you feel
T15WIT: the show is coming fine
T15WIT: but you see
imabadastronaut7: ive been in the same position, and i know its no fun
T15WIT: all the other kids there are from the same town
T15WIT: so I'm even out of the loop there
T15WIT: it isn't
imabadastronaut7: yeah, its not any fun
T15WIT: sorry for you to listen to me complain like this I oughta shut up
imabadastronaut7: nah thats allright
imabadastronaut7: i know how it feels, but one day i decided that nobody matters but myself
imabadastronaut7: and i don need anyone
imabadastronaut7: dont*
T15WIT: Yeah, well, not to be rude, I've done that too
T15WIT: but I was killing myself on the inside
imabadastronaut7: it is tough
T15WIT: It was
T15WIT: that was me in 6th and 7th and it's all happening again
imabadastronaut7: why not 8th?
T15WIT: because ben was there, and he actually wanted to be my friend
imabadastronaut7: doenst he anymore?
T15WIT: and then I met you and sara
T15WIT: we don't see each other
imabadastronaut7: im such a loser though, so you should even include me
imabadastronaut7: lol
T15WIT: lol
T15WIT: Ryan, you were so fun to hang out with
T15WIT: you were, you were funny, like ducks in kilts in the popemobile
T15WIT: that was great stuff man
imabadastronaut7: yeah it was
imabadastronaut7: i know what you should do!
imabadastronaut7: get a hobby
T15WIT: yus?
T15WIT: lol
imabadastronaut7: i did
T15WIT: oh?
imabadastronaut7: and now im happy
T15WIT: what
T15WIT: ?
imabadastronaut7: well im taking kung fu, and im in a rockin band
T15WIT: kewl
T15WIT: Hmm
T15WIT: I might...brb sry
imabadastronaut7: allrighty
Ryan, I love ya man, thank you.
It's 3:16 AM now, I just got back from work, I wish I had Carson here for me to tell my day too, and so I could just hold him, oh well, My day: Weeeelll....I found out that neither of my exams are cumalitive, so I should study, but not really that much...I had to act tonite, dad called me a bitch again, I hate myself and finally had enough courage to tell that to my father who fell quiet...I'm tired actually, all in all it was a day, a busy day..a very busy day..I'm tired come to think of it...meh now I need is Carson...or a pillow to rest my weary head...
It's 3:16 AM now, I just got back from work, I wish I had Carson here for me to tell my day too, and so I could just hold him, oh well, My day: Weeeelll....I found out that neither of my exams are cumalitive, so I should study, but not really that much...I had to act tonite, dad called me a bitch again, I hate myself and finally had enough courage to tell that to my father who fell quiet...I'm tired actually, all in all it was a day, a busy day..a very busy day..I'm tired come to think of it...meh now I need is Carson...or a pillow to rest my weary head...
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