Crap.
I wanted to ask friday for Carson to come to the play with me, in fact, I was planning on surprising him. I was going to tell him tomorrow afternoon that I had a ticket with his name on it. actually I was planning it more like this
T15WIT: hi
Capra Sesso Uomo: hey
T15WIT: Wanna go on one more last bus ride to coastal?
Or something like that...but of course, Sara called me doing this number
"Hey! Are you going to see Batboy tomorrow?"
I love Sara, I do. But I'm gonna see her and Jennifer Saturday at Ben's b-day party..I just..want some time alone with Carson...keerap...
And then I told mom this and she was like "Well, you might not be able to even go to Ben's party because your father and I want to see that play on Saturday, and we need you to babysit."
Which actually would be okay because I have to do homework..
although...I wonder if I should do some courses because I'm leaving SA...hmm...I'll have to ask Ms. Maxey...
Going next Wednesday to my highschool with Ms. Joyce Jackson to check out my classes..
was told by some drama kids that Ms. Adams is a biotch and Mr. Simon is a sweetie.
Hmm, guess I'll find out
Meh, I need rest, or a Carson, that would be lovely too..
Times I've sneezed during this writing: 11 (Yup, I counted)
Singer I've been listening to during this post: Diana Krall
If I could have anything in the world..yeah, we all know that one already
*sneeze*
damn.
Goodnite all adieu adieu
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Monday, September 20, 2004
A Compilation
The following is a compilation of some old word documents from last year:
Too shy.
Too goddamn shy,
To tell you how I feel,
Curse myself,
I feel like shit,
Mentally, physically, and definitely emotionally,
I want to cry,
But I can’t,
I won’t,
I’m not about to do that,
The music stopped,
Why are you still here?
Can’t you see I’m in misery?
Be ridden of yourself,
I want to tell you,
But I won’t,
I can’t,
I love you so much,
And yet I scorn you away,
Too shy for you to see who I really am,
Someone save me.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
T15WIT: disconnection
T15WIT: I lost our entire conversation
RieBeam2: I have it.
T15WIT: Okay say the last thing you said
RieBeam2: I'll send you everything
T15WIT: improbable and we'll go from ther...
T15WIT: dammit, I just got back from work, sheesh you can tell
RieBeam2: That's my last sentence
T15WIT: okay well here um
T15WIT: nvm
T15WIT: Listen
T15WIT: I want to come to a conclusion
RieBeam2: I am.
T15WIT: I want a solution, an answer
T15WIT: before I go to bed
RieBeam2: I know you do.
T15WIT: I need some rest, I've been an insomniac lately and its hitting me
T15WIT: now
RieBeam2: And from what I've seen, if you want the truth, you won't be happy. So break up, and be done with it.
T15WIT: Will you still send me the convo? I'm a bitch
T15WIT: Okay
T15WIT: Break up
RieBeam2: I tried, but I got the "Software Not Supported"
T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you.
RieBeam2: So I'll use e-mail
T15WIT: Okay
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, I don't want to break up with you.
T15WIT: Carson True, I don't want to either.
T15WIT: But I still will.
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, then why?
T15WIT: Carson, I honestly don't know, but I still will.
T15WIT: Does it always need an answer?
RieBeam2: You said you needed an answer.
RieBeam2: So do you?
T15WIT: My answer: I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.
RieBeam2: Well, damn. I tried. I love you, but if this is what you want, this is what you'll have.
T15WIT: You tried
T15WIT: Yes, you did
T15WIT: and you're right, I
T15WIT: I'm ought to leave now
T15WIT: *I
RieBeam2: I'm going to go pity myself now.
RieBeam2: Adios, Tory.
T15WIT: Go for it
Me: Goodbye, Carson.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Is The World Demoralizing?
I will sometimes look at today’s society and wonder “Was the world different from before?” I suppose it is seeing that I have read many history text books and
My view on the world: Cleanliness is better than it ever was, but everyone is having too much knowledge and getting all cynical.
I started with a topic on teen suicide, then it went to how everyone is talking more openly about their lives, and then it changed to the world demoralizing, but then I thought of how it is way more clean and hygienic than it was before.
Ms. Maxey, I don’t really exactly know what you’re asking for us here I mean nothing of big importance is facing me in today or in the future. I am pretty much happy with my life, what exactly are you asking for here? Also, just, I don’t know, could you help me by describing a bit more what are you exactly asking for? I’m just a bit confused, thank you for helping me.
- Tory
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Most Important Values to Me
This is a compiled list of values that matter the most to me. Ms. Maxey, there is no way I could put these in order, they all mean a lot to me, but I have compiled a list of some values that mean more to me than others.
Influence- A good influence around you is the best thing to have; it creates and molds who you are and who you will be
Freedom to be an individual- This is important because you need to be recognized for who you are, not for another face in a crowd; you need that freedom to be yourself
Security- knowing that you are safe and that you will not be harmed from things as economic security to any terrorism; you need to know that you are safe
Moral Courage- To be courageous enough to show your morals and beliefs is important because everyone is different and your opinion and morals should count as well
Faith- To have faith in what you believe, who you are, and others is a big value I find important, because if you don’t have faith in yourself or anything else, then you will go nowhere
Freedom to vote- Once again, I believe that this is important because you need to show your own opinion and not let someone else decide for you
Personal Health- This is important to me because I care if I’m going to live a few extra years and see something that I might’ve missed if I didn’t live this long
Power to Make a Difference- I think it matters if you can make a difference with your life or not, it depends a lot on your decisions, and it is your life to make your difference, whether in yourself, or in your community, or in your world
Education- To know how things work, how our lives are to know everything is a serious thing that everyone should need. We should need to know, to learn, our world and what it is.
Strong in my beliefs-If you are strong in your beliefs than you will go far. If you follow your beliefs, and mold the world a little bit more to them then your life will be far better off
Those were the ones that made it out of a list of fifty values that I compiled, the rest are ones that I think are pretty important, but for only me.
Friends- Even I prefer to be better off alone at times, but loneliness is not human nature, companionship is needed from everyone, everyone needs someone
Excitement and adventure- To me, I could never live a dulling life. I have met people who have done the same thing for twenty years. I could never ever do that. My life needs adventure, and that’s just me.
Time for self- Sometimes the monotony of society can leave me exhausted. I just sometimes prefer to be alone and have time for myself.
A meaningful life- I don’t care if my life doesn’t make it into the history text books or is never mentioned again, but knowing that I’ve done about everything I could do, well, that’s just important to me, to know that my life was meaningful
Creativity- Creativity is important to me, to be creative and have an imagination and to be different, this is all important to me.
- Tory Richardson 4/20/04
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Poetry
As a young lover’s serenade
As a hipsta’s new renegade
The spouting off of beliefs
And the showing of some relief
When you show you are blue
When your emotions are true
Through the cries on a foggy night
To the words on a day so bright
So reach out and go for the goal
Poetry, its soul.
- Tory Richardson
Forget
She said to just forget her,
She said she,
Didn’t want to see me hurt like this,
She said to just lose all those memories,
Of time wasted asking silly questions,
And to just forget,
Having her in my arms,
How can you forget love,
When you’re still in it?
Your dirty charades of love
I don’t know how long I can take it
Speed demon on a straight country road
The moon still shined and the cock hadn’t crowed
Mirthless laughter in the darkest nights
How long is this supposed to last?
I love you, but do I?? How can some people live with themselves by cheating on one another in the game of love? How can they know they’re breaking someones heart?
Why did I yell at you? I’ll look silly asking for your forgiveness. I wish you would forgive me. I love you, but you and I and ..so confused. Love does that to me. Loneliness is not one that you will like after getting a taste of love and friendship. Why all this torment? Why, just why, so alone, so cold, so grey skies outside, so crowing of ravens when you told me that we should end it, and it was about to rain, so many memories, so many heartaches and tears, why? Twisted and tormented I silently weep myself to sleep, sleep, I need more of it, depraved of the world that is the only place I am happy, sleep. Music plays in the background, but I cannot hear it, its just a blur, my life is a blur, what can I do? Dark night it is, dark as the emptiness. The emptiness there is between us, the silence, the lies, the deceitfulness, my hands are callused with cracks and nothing will help them, my skin is breaking apart, like my soul. Stop it, please save me. Society. Society is disgusting me. Society is full of no true love, it is full of lies, apathy no caring, and no one is doing anything about it, perhaps it will end all soon and it will not tumble into its destiny of a crumbling inferno of hell. Save me, someone, save me. Is there a fine line between love and lust? I wish there wasn’t, so confused, the moon gives me light, I breathe slowly and look around. A beautiful life. And I’m still scared. Perhaps the sleep will give me a temporary escape to this nightmare.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
7:16 AM, March 2004
A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.
5:37 PM, March 1982
Well, this is it.
I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo
Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.
7:18 AM March, 2004
“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”
“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.
“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”
“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
And I'm still here...
Too shy.
Too goddamn shy,
To tell you how I feel,
Curse myself,
I feel like shit,
Mentally, physically, and definitely emotionally,
I want to cry,
But I can’t,
I won’t,
I’m not about to do that,
The music stopped,
Why are you still here?
Can’t you see I’m in misery?
Be ridden of yourself,
I want to tell you,
But I won’t,
I can’t,
I love you so much,
And yet I scorn you away,
Too shy for you to see who I really am,
Someone save me.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
T15WIT: disconnection
T15WIT: I lost our entire conversation
RieBeam2: I have it.
T15WIT: Okay say the last thing you said
RieBeam2: I'll send you everything
T15WIT: improbable and we'll go from ther...
T15WIT: dammit, I just got back from work, sheesh you can tell
RieBeam2: That's my last sentence
T15WIT: okay well here um
T15WIT: nvm
T15WIT: Listen
T15WIT: I want to come to a conclusion
RieBeam2: I am.
T15WIT: I want a solution, an answer
T15WIT: before I go to bed
RieBeam2: I know you do.
T15WIT: I need some rest, I've been an insomniac lately and its hitting me
T15WIT: now
RieBeam2: And from what I've seen, if you want the truth, you won't be happy. So break up, and be done with it.
T15WIT: Will you still send me the convo? I'm a bitch
T15WIT: Okay
T15WIT: Break up
RieBeam2: I tried, but I got the "Software Not Supported"
T15WIT: Carson True, I am breaking up with you.
RieBeam2: So I'll use e-mail
T15WIT: Okay
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, I don't want to break up with you.
T15WIT: Carson True, I don't want to either.
T15WIT: But I still will.
RieBeam2: Tory Richardson, then why?
T15WIT: Carson, I honestly don't know, but I still will.
T15WIT: Does it always need an answer?
RieBeam2: You said you needed an answer.
RieBeam2: So do you?
T15WIT: My answer: I don't know, I don't know anything anymore.
RieBeam2: Well, damn. I tried. I love you, but if this is what you want, this is what you'll have.
T15WIT: You tried
T15WIT: Yes, you did
T15WIT: and you're right, I
T15WIT: I'm ought to leave now
T15WIT: *I
RieBeam2: I'm going to go pity myself now.
RieBeam2: Adios, Tory.
T15WIT: Go for it
Me: Goodbye, Carson.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Is The World Demoralizing?
I will sometimes look at today’s society and wonder “Was the world different from before?” I suppose it is seeing that I have read many history text books and
My view on the world: Cleanliness is better than it ever was, but everyone is having too much knowledge and getting all cynical.
I started with a topic on teen suicide, then it went to how everyone is talking more openly about their lives, and then it changed to the world demoralizing, but then I thought of how it is way more clean and hygienic than it was before.
Ms. Maxey, I don’t really exactly know what you’re asking for us here I mean nothing of big importance is facing me in today or in the future. I am pretty much happy with my life, what exactly are you asking for here? Also, just, I don’t know, could you help me by describing a bit more what are you exactly asking for? I’m just a bit confused, thank you for helping me.
- Tory
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Most Important Values to Me
This is a compiled list of values that matter the most to me. Ms. Maxey, there is no way I could put these in order, they all mean a lot to me, but I have compiled a list of some values that mean more to me than others.
Influence- A good influence around you is the best thing to have; it creates and molds who you are and who you will be
Freedom to be an individual- This is important because you need to be recognized for who you are, not for another face in a crowd; you need that freedom to be yourself
Security- knowing that you are safe and that you will not be harmed from things as economic security to any terrorism; you need to know that you are safe
Moral Courage- To be courageous enough to show your morals and beliefs is important because everyone is different and your opinion and morals should count as well
Faith- To have faith in what you believe, who you are, and others is a big value I find important, because if you don’t have faith in yourself or anything else, then you will go nowhere
Freedom to vote- Once again, I believe that this is important because you need to show your own opinion and not let someone else decide for you
Personal Health- This is important to me because I care if I’m going to live a few extra years and see something that I might’ve missed if I didn’t live this long
Power to Make a Difference- I think it matters if you can make a difference with your life or not, it depends a lot on your decisions, and it is your life to make your difference, whether in yourself, or in your community, or in your world
Education- To know how things work, how our lives are to know everything is a serious thing that everyone should need. We should need to know, to learn, our world and what it is.
Strong in my beliefs-If you are strong in your beliefs than you will go far. If you follow your beliefs, and mold the world a little bit more to them then your life will be far better off
Those were the ones that made it out of a list of fifty values that I compiled, the rest are ones that I think are pretty important, but for only me.
Friends- Even I prefer to be better off alone at times, but loneliness is not human nature, companionship is needed from everyone, everyone needs someone
Excitement and adventure- To me, I could never live a dulling life. I have met people who have done the same thing for twenty years. I could never ever do that. My life needs adventure, and that’s just me.
Time for self- Sometimes the monotony of society can leave me exhausted. I just sometimes prefer to be alone and have time for myself.
A meaningful life- I don’t care if my life doesn’t make it into the history text books or is never mentioned again, but knowing that I’ve done about everything I could do, well, that’s just important to me, to know that my life was meaningful
Creativity- Creativity is important to me, to be creative and have an imagination and to be different, this is all important to me.
- Tory Richardson 4/20/04
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Poetry
As a young lover’s serenade
As a hipsta’s new renegade
The spouting off of beliefs
And the showing of some relief
When you show you are blue
When your emotions are true
Through the cries on a foggy night
To the words on a day so bright
So reach out and go for the goal
Poetry, its soul.
- Tory Richardson
Forget
She said to just forget her,
She said she,
Didn’t want to see me hurt like this,
She said to just lose all those memories,
Of time wasted asking silly questions,
And to just forget,
Having her in my arms,
How can you forget love,
When you’re still in it?
Your dirty charades of love
I don’t know how long I can take it
Speed demon on a straight country road
The moon still shined and the cock hadn’t crowed
Mirthless laughter in the darkest nights
How long is this supposed to last?
I love you, but do I?? How can some people live with themselves by cheating on one another in the game of love? How can they know they’re breaking someones heart?
Why did I yell at you? I’ll look silly asking for your forgiveness. I wish you would forgive me. I love you, but you and I and ..so confused. Love does that to me. Loneliness is not one that you will like after getting a taste of love and friendship. Why all this torment? Why, just why, so alone, so cold, so grey skies outside, so crowing of ravens when you told me that we should end it, and it was about to rain, so many memories, so many heartaches and tears, why? Twisted and tormented I silently weep myself to sleep, sleep, I need more of it, depraved of the world that is the only place I am happy, sleep. Music plays in the background, but I cannot hear it, its just a blur, my life is a blur, what can I do? Dark night it is, dark as the emptiness. The emptiness there is between us, the silence, the lies, the deceitfulness, my hands are callused with cracks and nothing will help them, my skin is breaking apart, like my soul. Stop it, please save me. Society. Society is disgusting me. Society is full of no true love, it is full of lies, apathy no caring, and no one is doing anything about it, perhaps it will end all soon and it will not tumble into its destiny of a crumbling inferno of hell. Save me, someone, save me. Is there a fine line between love and lust? I wish there wasn’t, so confused, the moon gives me light, I breathe slowly and look around. A beautiful life. And I’m still scared. Perhaps the sleep will give me a temporary escape to this nightmare.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
7:16 AM, March 2004
A Mr. Alan Dean awaits his usual breakfast that his wife lovingly makes for him every morning. Whilst waiting, he cracks open the first section of the newspaper and routinely sips his coffee.
5:37 PM, March 1982
Well, this is it.
I, Edgar G. Cummings, am about to open the hatch door. I finished the last can of the 20 thousand cans of food yesterday, but now I must open the door. This underground bomb shelter was created back in ’55. I wonder what it will be like on the outside...I hope those damn reds got bombed just as much as we did. I’ve prepared myself for the venturing to the outside world; I got my keen survival skills and some supplies. I wonder if the food is extremely contaminated and mutated. God, I can see it now, a forbidden waste land that not even the foolish of creatures would go to. Well, this is it. I’m going to do it, and I have no need to fear because I have god by my side and I am a survivo
Just then, a Mr. Edgar Cummings looks up towards the dirt that was so packed together, he seems to act amazed…Then; he slumps back into his chair, his mouth agape and looking at the dirt as if it were the sky, with his glassy eyes. His once beating heart, stops.
7:18 AM March, 2004
“Humph,” mutters Mr. Dean, “Sweetie, you’ll never believe what some guy in Montana found yesterday, it seems that he found one of those old bomb shelters that were made in the 1950’s, and inside was, guess what?”
“What?” asks an innocent acting woman known as Mrs. Dean.
“They found a skeleton! A skeleton! Can you believe that?”
“Ugh,” she replies in disgust, “What kind of sick news is that? Honey, I swear that paper is filled with horrible stories”, says Mrs. Dean, as she gently puts down her darling’s plate of pancakes.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
And I'm still here...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Another nightmare last night.
it was late at nite, dad was in the mustang of the car searching for papers that this guy was looking for while miranda was talking to the guy, who didn't look that great..in fact he looked a bit creepy, max was bouncing a ball in the street, and I was sitting in the mini van looking for some papers too and I was in the passenger side. Then the guy picked up Miranda and somehow had her tied up, he was running towards my car, which was running, and he threw her in the back of the seat and he started driving and I tried to leave but he locked it and he ran over max..not a good ending, I was really creeped out, so goes to show my insomnia was terrible last nite after that one dream..
it was late at nite, dad was in the mustang of the car searching for papers that this guy was looking for while miranda was talking to the guy, who didn't look that great..in fact he looked a bit creepy, max was bouncing a ball in the street, and I was sitting in the mini van looking for some papers too and I was in the passenger side. Then the guy picked up Miranda and somehow had her tied up, he was running towards my car, which was running, and he threw her in the back of the seat and he started driving and I tried to leave but he locked it and he ran over max..not a good ending, I was really creeped out, so goes to show my insomnia was terrible last nite after that one dream..
Friday, September 17, 2004
Okay, I'm glad I went to bed when I did, Ms. Penn didn't post anything till 12:30 at nite and it was "You people are a buncha drama nerds, go to bed. :p " So, I'm pretty glad I went to bed early, I needed some rest, and yeah, Carson's right, I should chill over him..interesting point about the perpendicular, it makes sense. Okay...and now I'm awake.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Listening of Sting, obviously
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
Well, bloggy it seems that I was going to write a conversation of how lonely I was and how I missed carson, but he called
yeah...I felt nothing, meh I don't know I mean, I felt love, but...just nothing happened..
I told him to just leave and that I'll see him tomorrow and that I had homework to do, I lied, I have no homework, I would've loved to talk to him all nite, or at least let him know that I love him, but do I? Of course not, I act as if we we're being watched by everyone/everyone was listening. Would anyone give a fuck? Did they give a fuck when I kissed him? Well, other than that black dude who I assume has some power at the highschool...I forgot to say I love you..damn, too little too late, maybe I should call him, no stupid his parent's would flip. Did I do something wrong with this relationship? And like Carson asked, when did we become the old couple? Couples buying each other rings, three days and Tara has already made out with her man, me, took more like three weeks..others buying shit for each other only after four months, ten months and it looks like I haven't truly shown my affection towards him, just a dried white rose and a dead red one. Yeah, two roses, one of them his, and a letter. That's as far as I've ever gone for giving him stuff. I do love him. I love him a lot. He's a goof, geek, intelligent, mature, immature, spastic, calm and everything else kinda guy and I love every bit of it, well..not the part that sometimes dislikes me, but hey everyone has their fault. Great, now I have him out like some sorta schizo, he's not that either. He's..he is what he is, and like I said before, I love him for that. Ramblin' dammit, I screwed up..I've been screwing up a lot more than usual lately..I want to know what is the way to make him happy and keep him that way? nlt...well, even pervertedness only goes so far before masturbatin' just gets old..well, for me anyway, but that's not what I meant at first..maybe I should just be there. And why shouldn't I be there? Well, hell I need a life of my own, it's not like I'm married to the guy..just his girlfriend for..10 months, yeah 10 months, not alot to some, alot to others. I hope if he's cheating on me he'll tell me so at least I won't be wasting my time. Maybe I should stop talking about the fucking relationship like he does and focus on my life. Yeah, and then feel conceited.
Oh fuck it all. I'm too damn confusing for myself.
yeah...I felt nothing, meh I don't know I mean, I felt love, but...just nothing happened..
I told him to just leave and that I'll see him tomorrow and that I had homework to do, I lied, I have no homework, I would've loved to talk to him all nite, or at least let him know that I love him, but do I? Of course not, I act as if we we're being watched by everyone/everyone was listening. Would anyone give a fuck? Did they give a fuck when I kissed him? Well, other than that black dude who I assume has some power at the highschool...I forgot to say I love you..damn, too little too late, maybe I should call him, no stupid his parent's would flip. Did I do something wrong with this relationship? And like Carson asked, when did we become the old couple? Couples buying each other rings, three days and Tara has already made out with her man, me, took more like three weeks..others buying shit for each other only after four months, ten months and it looks like I haven't truly shown my affection towards him, just a dried white rose and a dead red one. Yeah, two roses, one of them his, and a letter. That's as far as I've ever gone for giving him stuff. I do love him. I love him a lot. He's a goof, geek, intelligent, mature, immature, spastic, calm and everything else kinda guy and I love every bit of it, well..not the part that sometimes dislikes me, but hey everyone has their fault. Great, now I have him out like some sorta schizo, he's not that either. He's..he is what he is, and like I said before, I love him for that. Ramblin' dammit, I screwed up..I've been screwing up a lot more than usual lately..I want to know what is the way to make him happy and keep him that way? nlt...well, even pervertedness only goes so far before masturbatin' just gets old..well, for me anyway, but that's not what I meant at first..maybe I should just be there. And why shouldn't I be there? Well, hell I need a life of my own, it's not like I'm married to the guy..just his girlfriend for..10 months, yeah 10 months, not alot to some, alot to others. I hope if he's cheating on me he'll tell me so at least I won't be wasting my time. Maybe I should stop talking about the fucking relationship like he does and focus on my life. Yeah, and then feel conceited.
Oh fuck it all. I'm too damn confusing for myself.
The beginning of my day was sucky/boorish, but this afternoon made up for it. I need to make out in public with Carson more. Pssh, yeah haha, like that'll ever happen. But really, today was pretty good on top of it all seeing that I auditioned with this funny guy, Zach Branch, cool kid, Anyway, here I am, desperately reviewing chemistry notes, and then stopping half way through to sip some hot cocoa. I worked out a bit today too, my arms are too fat, so I'm doing push-ups at home now, I'm also doin' sit-ups, woo, go me, I haven't been stating it on any blogspot/livejournal because I end up jinxing myself and not doing it, but I can successfully say I've done it a week now, yay, whoosh.
Now, if I only knew where Cars...erm, my reward I mean, is...
Now, if I only knew where Cars...erm, my reward I mean, is...
Monday, September 13, 2004
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A Perfect Day
*sips tea*
Looking back on the day I have to say it was more or less perfect.
Thank you.
*sips tea*
Looking back on the day I have to say it was more or less perfect.
Thank you.
*sips tea*
Friday, September 10, 2004
So maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home...
*I'm listening to the Stereophonics at the current time, and I love this song*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today...oh, today was busy. Too busy. All I want now is Carson. Of course, wanting will get me no where.
Wicker Park is a good movie..
I'm sleepy. and I need a hot bath too...or maybe all I need is Carson..I wish, I wish it were just him and I, alone far away, adults and free for what we want to do. No, I might wish it, but of course, even as older I'll be stupid and too wrapped up in Me. Tory Richardson. Always one of the people I hate who have cellphones and who care about only themselves and are always at meeting or going somewhere. Meh, maybe I've been wasting Carson's time. It's all been about me, Sure, all I want at the end of the day is to hold him. I've thought of it before, we both live in a small dinky apartment, we both work the regular schedule, and we both come home at night, just to hold each other, hoping for a future together. Also, the sorta take off on that, we're older, we now live in some place in Ireland, we're a bit richer, him a great writer, me, an irish soap star or something..or maybe just seeing the world with him. I love him. But, if he asked me now to leave this life behind, would I do it? No, of course not. I'm only 15, and even if I were older, even the dream would never come true. He'd want out quicker, he couldn't wait that long, for something that probably would never happen. Why? Why did I have to care about him in Amsterdam and stay up those nights seeing him dead in some gutter..Why did I have to fall in love? Such the wrong time to do so..probably the worst time to ever fall in love in this life and probably the worst person, but I don't care, I still do love him. Even if he does tire of me eventually, I'll stick until he gets sick of me never being there, always being away like the character I am. Oh Carson, where are you when I need you?
I still love you, if that means anything anymore.
*I'm listening to the Stereophonics at the current time, and I love this song*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today...oh, today was busy. Too busy. All I want now is Carson. Of course, wanting will get me no where.
Wicker Park is a good movie..
I'm sleepy. and I need a hot bath too...or maybe all I need is Carson..I wish, I wish it were just him and I, alone far away, adults and free for what we want to do. No, I might wish it, but of course, even as older I'll be stupid and too wrapped up in Me. Tory Richardson. Always one of the people I hate who have cellphones and who care about only themselves and are always at meeting or going somewhere. Meh, maybe I've been wasting Carson's time. It's all been about me, Sure, all I want at the end of the day is to hold him. I've thought of it before, we both live in a small dinky apartment, we both work the regular schedule, and we both come home at night, just to hold each other, hoping for a future together. Also, the sorta take off on that, we're older, we now live in some place in Ireland, we're a bit richer, him a great writer, me, an irish soap star or something..or maybe just seeing the world with him. I love him. But, if he asked me now to leave this life behind, would I do it? No, of course not. I'm only 15, and even if I were older, even the dream would never come true. He'd want out quicker, he couldn't wait that long, for something that probably would never happen. Why? Why did I have to care about him in Amsterdam and stay up those nights seeing him dead in some gutter..Why did I have to fall in love? Such the wrong time to do so..probably the worst time to ever fall in love in this life and probably the worst person, but I don't care, I still do love him. Even if he does tire of me eventually, I'll stick until he gets sick of me never being there, always being away like the character I am. Oh Carson, where are you when I need you?
I still love you, if that means anything anymore.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Poptartica
What is wrong with everybody?
Is it just me now that laughs at my jokes?
Am I the only one not changing?
And why is it that lately, whether my day has been good or bad, whenever I get around Carson, I just quickly change to neutral. I show no emotion, although I have tumults of it going on inside me, why is that?
And why is it that I have such a wonderful life? I seem to have one of the best's lifes in the world, why is that? Is there something bad going to happen later in life to make up for it? Or is there some purpose I should do to repay it?
Today, I felt like kicking the shit outta everyone, missed Carson..terribly, misseed the old Sara, missed Ben, felt happier than ever like I had one of the best lives in the world, was contemplative, was silly, wasn't silly, and was just there...
I don't know whether to hug or scorn anyone, nor do I know whether to embrace this life with joy, or to feel pain and sorrow or some shit, why am I getting poetic?
I want to go back to the dance room, oh yeah I was also embarrassed today as well, having girls I used to have dance classes with be the assistant teacher for my dance class, creepy eh? Although, I don't mind too much, I'm not in dance for the competition, I'm in because..well, I love to dance, it's nice. Sorta the same thing with acting, I just love to act, I'm not in it for the money, nor the fame, just cause I like to act, to sing, to dance...yep
French Class was good today too, and yes, I did get a C- on my en...oh shit, I better work on that essay, that'll surely kill this insomnia.
That and I need to burn Carson a Moby Cd...and give him a hug..if I ever get the courage to do it..
Is it just me now that laughs at my jokes?
Am I the only one not changing?
And why is it that lately, whether my day has been good or bad, whenever I get around Carson, I just quickly change to neutral. I show no emotion, although I have tumults of it going on inside me, why is that?
And why is it that I have such a wonderful life? I seem to have one of the best's lifes in the world, why is that? Is there something bad going to happen later in life to make up for it? Or is there some purpose I should do to repay it?
Today, I felt like kicking the shit outta everyone, missed Carson..terribly, misseed the old Sara, missed Ben, felt happier than ever like I had one of the best lives in the world, was contemplative, was silly, wasn't silly, and was just there...
I don't know whether to hug or scorn anyone, nor do I know whether to embrace this life with joy, or to feel pain and sorrow or some shit, why am I getting poetic?
I want to go back to the dance room, oh yeah I was also embarrassed today as well, having girls I used to have dance classes with be the assistant teacher for my dance class, creepy eh? Although, I don't mind too much, I'm not in dance for the competition, I'm in because..well, I love to dance, it's nice. Sorta the same thing with acting, I just love to act, I'm not in it for the money, nor the fame, just cause I like to act, to sing, to dance...yep
French Class was good today too, and yes, I did get a C- on my en...oh shit, I better work on that essay, that'll surely kill this insomnia.
That and I need to burn Carson a Moby Cd...and give him a hug..if I ever get the courage to do it..
Cynics Sneer,
at Fairy tales,
They mock love,
and all its details
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yup, like I assumed, a C- on my english report, I'm going to go now, I won't be online for tonite I believe, seeing that tonite needs some more great ass kickin' well..I'm off!
Adieu.
at Fairy tales,
They mock love,
and all its details
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yup, like I assumed, a C- on my english report, I'm going to go now, I won't be online for tonite I believe, seeing that tonite needs some more great ass kickin' well..I'm off!
Adieu.
Monday, September 06, 2004
What's the use in clinging to something that doesn't care about you anymore?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Searching for something that isn't there and once was
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I won't be able to bring it back will it I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last nite was a great nite bonding wise with my mom. Actually today was a great bonding day with her too. She makes me feel so good, she loves me and I love talking to her. She understands my humour. Is it sad when one of your best friends is your mom? Are you not supposed to know that she had sex before marriage? Or that she smoked shit before? Are you supposed to know that? Aren't you two not supposed to like the same music and movies? She makes me think I could be anything, she says how I would be great at writing sitcoms, *Pssh, yeah one that would get cancelled after the first showing* I used to love to write, but compared to others, I'm non-creative and everything. She knows that I beat myself up, and she wonders why I do that, and she loves me and makes me laugh when I feel like I'm going to cry. I love her. And, at this moment, I feel like she's the only one who does care, and I love her for that.
Thanks, mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Searching for something that isn't there and once was
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I won't be able to bring it back will it I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last nite was a great nite bonding wise with my mom. Actually today was a great bonding day with her too. She makes me feel so good, she loves me and I love talking to her. She understands my humour. Is it sad when one of your best friends is your mom? Are you not supposed to know that she had sex before marriage? Or that she smoked shit before? Are you supposed to know that? Aren't you two not supposed to like the same music and movies? She makes me think I could be anything, she says how I would be great at writing sitcoms, *Pssh, yeah one that would get cancelled after the first showing* I used to love to write, but compared to others, I'm non-creative and everything. She knows that I beat myself up, and she wonders why I do that, and she loves me and makes me laugh when I feel like I'm going to cry. I love her. And, at this moment, I feel like she's the only one who does care, and I love her for that.
Thanks, mom.
An Awakening
I wanna wake up where you are
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up, and something hit me. I feel happier than I've been in a long time. It's a beautiful world, and it's time I get off my ass and I go out and appreciate it and make a day a good day. So today, my mom and I are supposed to do something, I don't care for shopping nor movies, quite sick of the two, so I proposed and we're going to Wilmington. We can eat downtown Wilmington, and then we can drive to southport, *not the southport ferry, just drive to a side of it* and we can look at the art galleries, hell even if everything is closed for labor day, I don't give a shit, because I'm happy, and I have one of the best lives ever.
Thanks to everyone who helped me figure this out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up, and something hit me. I feel happier than I've been in a long time. It's a beautiful world, and it's time I get off my ass and I go out and appreciate it and make a day a good day. So today, my mom and I are supposed to do something, I don't care for shopping nor movies, quite sick of the two, so I proposed and we're going to Wilmington. We can eat downtown Wilmington, and then we can drive to southport, *not the southport ferry, just drive to a side of it* and we can look at the art galleries, hell even if everything is closed for labor day, I don't give a shit, because I'm happy, and I have one of the best lives ever.
Thanks to everyone who helped me figure this out.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Her mind is set on madness, her mouth tooth decay~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Autumn's coming, I miss these things:
Going on the ferry like I used to a lot and then going to the aquarium and that funky battle field no one goes to,
Going to that tea shop which is the best feeling ever walking out from a cold grey day into a cozy hit of warmth into your face and those different smells of herbs
Going to Southern Market for a dinner
Halloween..defenitely halloween
have a murder mystery dinner
Eating pumpkin seeds
Basically chillin' with mah peeps
and I definitely miss..
wearing long sleeved shirts and pants and my jacket..
*breathes in air*
What a world...
Autumn's coming, I miss these things:
Going on the ferry like I used to a lot and then going to the aquarium and that funky battle field no one goes to,
Going to that tea shop which is the best feeling ever walking out from a cold grey day into a cozy hit of warmth into your face and those different smells of herbs
Going to Southern Market for a dinner
Halloween..defenitely halloween
have a murder mystery dinner
Eating pumpkin seeds
Basically chillin' with mah peeps
and I definitely miss..
wearing long sleeved shirts and pants and my jacket..
*breathes in air*
What a world...
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Broadway is dark tonite,
See the young man sitting in the old man's bar,
waiting for his turn to die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I talked to my mother last nite about how I don't know if I want to leave Scholar's Academy or not. I know that she wants me to stay because it's a good opportunity and she was never given anything free in her life and I should be lucky and etc. I told her how I feel swamped and it being the first week of school and how I miss everyone and feel lonely. She gave an explanation that maybe I'm not really swamped with work, but just being overdramatic and I saw a glimpse of everything we're gonna do and I was overwhelmed. She also made a good point that I'd be miserable if I had no classes with any of my friends if I went back to the highschool, and that I would be surrounded by durrs and I would hate them because it would all be a popularity contest. She also suggested that maybe it's time for me to move on, to make new friends at Scholar's Academy and so on. To be honest, I could never do that. The only few reasonable people would be Stacey, Valerie, and Jennifer. Val and Jen seem to just..wanna be alone like a tight relationship, I don't want to mess with them. And Stacey might be a bit evil, but she has her own group of Devon and Michelle and Chelsea...eh, not my type of group honestly, just...not me I guess. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Sara told me I should best leave now, but mom said that I should stay a few weeks and just check it out, see how bad it is. I miss..something..I don't know quite what. It is a wonderful opportunity. Yet, Sara did make a good point, I'm only a teen for a while, whether that's good or not, I don't know. I'll stick with it for another week and see if I could be able to survive this...
Other than that, I pulled an all nighter last night on retyping 20 double entry journals and an essay, probably will get a "C" on them.
Also, mom is going to get me an appointment at a doctor to check out my eating habits, for some odd reason since like January just the sight of food in the morning makes me want to vomit. I don't know why, around 10 AM I can look at it, but there's no way I could keep it down, and around lunch time, I can eat, if I want to that is, sometimes I skip lunch too, but not that often.
I'm peeved. Mom said I could watch Siddhartha tonite, of course, then her and dad had unexpected guests they gladly went to some fine italian dinner to...I hate it, they forget to mention us, the guests came over and acted surprised there were children there. God, I sometimes feel like M&M's mom, not lately, but I used to all the time.
Oh well...another day gone from my life..and what have I gained? A day of worthless knowledge and procrastination, maybe I should focus more on gaining nirvana, or more on the things that make me happy..like friends..and Carson..and snowcaps..mmm...I think I'm going to do something Monday with someone..I'll see tomorrow if I can plan something..
See the young man sitting in the old man's bar,
waiting for his turn to die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I talked to my mother last nite about how I don't know if I want to leave Scholar's Academy or not. I know that she wants me to stay because it's a good opportunity and she was never given anything free in her life and I should be lucky and etc. I told her how I feel swamped and it being the first week of school and how I miss everyone and feel lonely. She gave an explanation that maybe I'm not really swamped with work, but just being overdramatic and I saw a glimpse of everything we're gonna do and I was overwhelmed. She also made a good point that I'd be miserable if I had no classes with any of my friends if I went back to the highschool, and that I would be surrounded by durrs and I would hate them because it would all be a popularity contest. She also suggested that maybe it's time for me to move on, to make new friends at Scholar's Academy and so on. To be honest, I could never do that. The only few reasonable people would be Stacey, Valerie, and Jennifer. Val and Jen seem to just..wanna be alone like a tight relationship, I don't want to mess with them. And Stacey might be a bit evil, but she has her own group of Devon and Michelle and Chelsea...eh, not my type of group honestly, just...not me I guess. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Sara told me I should best leave now, but mom said that I should stay a few weeks and just check it out, see how bad it is. I miss..something..I don't know quite what. It is a wonderful opportunity. Yet, Sara did make a good point, I'm only a teen for a while, whether that's good or not, I don't know. I'll stick with it for another week and see if I could be able to survive this...
Other than that, I pulled an all nighter last night on retyping 20 double entry journals and an essay, probably will get a "C" on them.
Also, mom is going to get me an appointment at a doctor to check out my eating habits, for some odd reason since like January just the sight of food in the morning makes me want to vomit. I don't know why, around 10 AM I can look at it, but there's no way I could keep it down, and around lunch time, I can eat, if I want to that is, sometimes I skip lunch too, but not that often.
I'm peeved. Mom said I could watch Siddhartha tonite, of course, then her and dad had unexpected guests they gladly went to some fine italian dinner to...I hate it, they forget to mention us, the guests came over and acted surprised there were children there. God, I sometimes feel like M&M's mom, not lately, but I used to all the time.
Oh well...another day gone from my life..and what have I gained? A day of worthless knowledge and procrastination, maybe I should focus more on gaining nirvana, or more on the things that make me happy..like friends..and Carson..and snowcaps..mmm...I think I'm going to do something Monday with someone..I'll see tomorrow if I can plan something..
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
After seeing a movie about a girl who stops herself, looks at her life, decides she doesn't like it that way, and rearranges it, I remembered being asked something. We were sitting outside, when I say we I mean Carson, Sara, Dylan, and I. Anyway, we were sitting outside, along comes Julien I talk to him for a few seconds, he leaves, I go back to the guys, then *I forgot who* says to me, "So, do you just hang around us to make yourself look better?" I was a bit taken aback. I have to be honest. I honestly don't try to do that. I love sara, Carson, hell even Dylan, Ben, TJ, CJ, anyone else, for who they are, not to make myself seem all the more better. It just disgusted me..am I subliminally doing that? Should I hang out with a crowd of people who have shit happen like me? well, not that, I mean..I dunno..I don't think I'm that better, perhaps I look at things too much and I play it safe..meh what I mean is, maybe I should go be a loner again. Perhaps it would be for the better of society if I kept to myself. I'm not going to be some rich woman at some country club who's snooty, but I mean, everyone I surround myself by thinks I'm better. I hate that, I don't want to be better..I want to be, meh, I just want to be me. I want to relate to people, I don't know, I want to have friends, with quirkiness, or sarcasm or cynicalness, or who I could at least have some intelligent conversations with. Sure I may be a hassle to be near by, but, man, am I that terrible? Do I try to brag to people on how great I am? Isn't that the one thing I hated? Bragging? And yet I'm one myself? And when I try to leave, no one wants me to leave, they hate me, yet they like me. Which makes no sense whatsoever. You know what else? I feel extremely conceited at this moment. All I do in journals is talk about myself, my life, I feel as if I obsess only over me. ME. ME. ME. I...meh, maybe I should get away from journals too. In fact, not to be rude blogspot, I'm leaving you, for a bit, I think I'll go back to being quiet. I'll keep my big yap shut and do what I used to be very great at doing..being observant. Goodnite Journal.
After seeing a movie about a girl who stops herself, looks at her life, decides she doesn't like it that way, and rearranges it, I remembered being asked something. We were sitting outside, when I say we I mean Carson, Sara, Dylan, and I. Anyway, we were sitting outside, along comes Julien I talk to him for a few seconds, he leaves, I go back to the guys, then *I forgot who* says to me, "So, do you just hang around us to make yourself look better?" I was a bit taken aback. I have to be honest. I honestly don't try to do that. I love sara, Carson, hell even Dylan, Ben, TJ, CJ, anyone else, for who they are, not to make myself seem all the more better. It just disgusted me..am I subliminally doing that? Should I hang out with a crowd of people who have shit happen like me? well, not that, I mean..I dunno..I don't think I'm that better, perhaps I look at things too much and I play it safe..meh what I mean is, maybe I should go be a loner again. Perhaps it would be for the better of society if I kept to myself. I'm not going to be some rich woman at some country club who's snooty, but I mean, everyone I surround myself by thinks I'm better. I hate that, I don't want to be better..I want to be, meh, I just want to be me. I want to relate to people, I don't know, I want to have friends, with quirkiness, or sarcasm or cynicalness, or who I could at least have some intelligent conversations with. Sure I may be a hassle to be near by, but, man, am I that terrible? Do I try to brag to people on how great I am? Isn't that the one thing I hated? Bragging? And yet I'm one myself? And when I try to leave, no one wants me to leave, they hate me, yet they like me. Which makes no sense whatsoever. You know what else? I feel extremely conceited at this moment. All I do in journals is talk about myself, my life, I feel as if I obsess only over me. ME. ME. ME. I...meh, maybe I should get away from journals too. In fact, not to be rude blogspot, I'm leaving you, for a bit, I think I'll go back to being quiet. I'll keep my big yap shut and do what I used to be very great at doing..being observant. Goodnite Journal.
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