Sunday, August 29, 2004
Other than that I've been taking those memegen quizzes...
woo.
Okay, anyway, I'm off to eat dinner, besides..now I'm getting sleepy..sorta..school starts tomorrow..eh..
Noooooo!! *cringes*
I don't want school to start. I also am bored out of my mind, I still have to write the conclusion to my "new essay" but meh. I feel bitchy too, or like I was being a bitch to Carson. I feel...eh. I got everything packed for tomorrow, I'm just bored. Bored bored bored...I drew, I sang, I worked on an essay..haven't watched TV though, prolly nothing good on. And I feel...eh, I mean, nevermind..hopefully this is just PMS..It's a day, we're all gonna get hit by a hurricane category 5, isn't that lovely? My family is at wal-mart..again..and I..I feel restless. Maybe school should start..
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Reminiscing
#106826246826837240 posted on 11/7/2003 10:34:28 PM by Carson T "Carson" {@}
Tonight was a polished diamond of a night. That's all I'm saying. No information shall be whored to the masses, edging this diamonds into a ball of rock salt and varous tacky jewelry. I want to remember it as it was. So that's all. Time for some Led Zeppelin, then sleep. Tommorow can take a year, for all I care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, Dear diary, I've completely gotten off track with my essay. I'm listening to ol' jazz and I'm reminscing of the months with Carson. God, I wish he were here..
An Autumn Romance
It seems we're going to get hit by a hurricane tomorrow.
Lervly.
I got a CD btw, and it's called "Torch Songs"
or AKA Jazz songs Tory can sing to.
wee.
Oh and I was writing my essay before my brother came in and I couldn't help but write the obvious in a blogspot entry, of course.
Bye again!
I have an essay that needs to be written, my family wants me to watch a movie with them, I need to clean my room or make money, I should study my lines for tomorrow. And you know what? All I want to do is to just spend some time alone with Carson. It's fucking sad that the next time I'll get to do anything with my boyfriend will be on next Friday. And my mom will probably have something planned for me by then, something involving, helping people or something or doing some shitty thing I don't want to do.
Fuck.
Carson? Where are you? Can't you just take me out of this life? It's too time consuming, I'm doing stuff that's planned for me, argh.
Excuse me, I have an essay to write.
*Carson, if you want to...call me..or not..whatever..*
Friday, August 27, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read Carson's what he calls, "emoish" posts. It's gotten to me, him, I mean. Sometimes he makes me feel like a vile poison to his body, and he revokes and chokes me back out. whoa!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tory, remember to make some lyric involving how "You thought I was a poison when I was actually the medicine" or something like that, it sucks now, but I could see it from some angsty song in a teen punk band..anyway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like I mentioned before, he hates me, yet he loves me. Maybe my existance is useless. Maybe I shouldn't do anything nice in this life and just live my life. The way I want it. Speaking of that..
I discovered where I want to go.
I want to go to Yale.
Yes, Yale, one of the best drama programs around.
Then I want to leave.
And then move to Ireland.
And maybe be an Irish Soap Star, or perhaps just do something over there..
Who knows.
I don't know if I want children or not, probably not, there's enough people in this world, yet, even if I do think of the possiblity of ever having kids, I want to adopt.
I also want a husband, well, maybe not a "husband" because that might get sickening if ever dealing with paper work..actually..legally wise it might be best to get married, oh hell I don't know, what I mean is, I want someone to share life with. Together. Or something like that.
Carson also made a good point. I'm too wrapped up with myself. I've been thinking about myself too much, I need to do stuff again, I mean, I need to go back to Helping Hands, or Street Reach Ministries, where I used to volunteer all the time. Actually, maybe not Street Reach, that place is kinda creepy. I don't know, I'm getting too much attention. I wish I could let Carson know that I don't think of him as just something to hold, but as also a person who I like to talk to, to consult about..stuff, I think, or just to talk I don't know. I just feel, comfortable around him. Oh nevermind, I'm just gonna leave you with a song diary:
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times I’ve tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will beI wanna hold you now
I’ve been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gotta Love David Gray
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
I screwed up another conversation with him
And then I left.
I'm still not tired.
I'm a bit...heart broken and disgusted.
Here's the convo to anyone who cares, no one.
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:23 PM]: I knew you'd come back.
Auto response from T15WIT [11:23 PM]: Doing Stuff
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:23 PM]: And I knew you'd be away
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: And I knew that I shouldn't have waited like that
Auto response from Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: Doing Stuff.
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Good
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Have fun watching the Daily show
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: ...
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: oh no
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: Please, don't be angry with me here
Capra Sesso Uomo [11:30 PM]: Go.
T15WIT [11:30 PM]: I'm not trying to come off as angry or anything
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: No dammit
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: You have no right to tell me to go
T15WIT [11:31 PM]: If you don't want me to say anything to you, I'll just shroud myself like i did before
T15WIT [11:32 PM]: And don't start a conversation and then tell me to leave
T15WIT [11:32 PM]: I'll go now.
And I will.
my night:
9:30ish..
I screwed up a convo with Carson
I get offline
I go to room
My stomache churns, I look at empty space where I see a boy holding a girl and I hear a voice saying "he's moved on" *I know, nothing to do with Carson*
I cry
I cry some more
I get disgusted at myself for crying at things that aren't there
I go back online
I write a post on blogspot saying emoish stuff
I turn off the comp.
I go back to bathroom, wash face, change into PJ's etc.
I go back to my room
I see the tissues
I think "Oh god, he's going to think I'm a nut."
I turn on comp.
I change original post to what I just really meant to say
I sit..waiting to get courage to say something to him
he leaves
I turn off comp.
I go to room
A rush of anger surges through me
I start kicking the bed
I can't sleep.
I go downstairs, knock on mom's bathroom door.
I ask her for something to make me sleepy
She tells me to go do some sit ups and mentions how I'm a spastic teen.
I walk past TV with dad sitting there
I see daily show with John Kerry
I sit and watch
I get my fix of politics
I leave while muttering "It's all bull shit to me."
I go back online hoping to see him online.
I yawn.
I have a feeling I'll be waiting a bit, and then I'll go to bed.
I write a post. *this one..nvm*
I turn off comp without saying a word to him.
And I try to sleep.
I wake up.
But of course, that's for tomorrow.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Maybe It's Compassion?
Nah..
Maybe it's coolness?
Nah, I'm always cool...
Perchance it might be any schoolwork?
Nope, I'm good.
Study your lines?
Yeah
Carson?
I'm thinkin' it's that, but I hope not..
Have you stopped and smelled the roses lately?
Ya know..I haven't! I need to tend to my rose garden! Oh wait, those mexicans came by and already did take care of that when I was in Chicago..oh well, I'll go check on them again..
Anything else?
God I miss Carson
Yeah, we know..
Shh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well...I'm off to go eat a breakfast, smell a rose, and read my lines, all the while I won't be thinking a damn thing that has any connection to the above. Oh well..
Friday, August 20, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She runs away
Something's not quite right..
It doesn't ask,
It just walks in where it left you last,
You never know when it starts,
Until there's a fog inside the glass around,
your summer heart.
-"Something's Missing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like something isn't quite right. And to be honest, like the song above, I do feel like something is misssing, but what? I don't know, I seem to be normal, I just feel all weird on the inside. Hopefully it's just PMS, or some bad food or something and it'll go away quickly. Fall is coming, I can feel it. I'm happy. But still can't shake off something..maybe it's that thing I was going to tell Carson but forgot and I still can't remember. What's wrong with me? Oh well, it's not like I'm going to see some shriek of anything.
Hmm...Seems I have a knack for being online when no one of importance is..
Goodnite my someone
Goodnite my love
-some broadway play no one remembers
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Went to Bed at 2, and woke up at 8
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Today was a day. Autumn is coming I can feel it. Now let's see..my sins for today..um..I lied, to Carson, he asked about my feelings and I lied and said it was blah, um..I did a bad thing and this afternoon I took all my sister's undies and hid them everywhere in her room, it's like an easter egg hunt, but in an odd way. lesse..oh, i slammed the door on my brother's toe, oh well, that was an honest mistake. Hmm, I feel..I don't know, different, I feel calm, like I've grown to a peace with myself, I was very quiet today except for my mischievious with Miranda. I think I'm going to rest. I feel..I don't know, I'll give up on explaining it now. I'm going goodnite world.
I love you, whoever you are.
Goodnite, adieu.
...that's all I got.
Anyway, other than that, I better get my ass back in action with Siddhartha...
*flies off*
Away!
Monday, August 16, 2004
Fun Times At RidgeMont High

Innocent
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're an every day average girl. You aren't
amongst the popular crowd, but you are
definatly far from being a geek. You are
probably pretty, but not gorgeous. You have a
fair amount of friends, but each one of them
means the world to you. Keep them close and
don't change yourself.
Rate a 5 to see a picture of a hott guy... Send me
a message!
What type of girl are you? (many outcomes and awesome pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."
What type of eyes do you have?
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You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a
voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and
sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes
shipwrecks find you and raving men want you.
You are a bottle of talent and power. What the
unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You
have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a
very few of you, what a rare find. Will you
rate my quiz, I think your voice in just
beautiful?
What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Category VI - The Strange
Attractor
Though you're not quite sure why, people are drawn
to you like moths to a flame. You really
are too cool for words.
What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay, as you can see, I’ve been busy on quizilla, and now I will rest..or think of Carson..whichever..oh the above quiz does prove I’m awesomely awesome. Thank you.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
all my words are falling short
and there's so much I want to say.
Wanna tell you just how good it feels
when you look at me that way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
okay, My family is watching the women gymnastics with the Olympics, while here I am a bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream and listening to a compilation of my lonely music, here's what they are:
"Please Forgive Me" David Gray
"Come Away With Me" Norah Jones
"Saint Patrick's Day" John Mayer
"Daylight" Duncan Shiek
"Mercury Falls" Sting
"Reveries" Duncan Shiek
"I Don't know Why" Norah Jones
"Fields Of Gold" Sting
And some others...boy I think I'm going to go draw..
LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can
improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
Yep, I'm lonely again...
I think I'm going to go get some double fudge brownie ice cream..
Saturday, August 14, 2004
hav
For I know not what I do,
Feels like lightning running through my veins,
Everytime I look at you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.physorg.com/news785.html
Wow. That's all I have to say to that, I love that webbie btw, lotsa good articles.
Other than that my room is changed now, I changed it, got a mirror, and a new desk chair, and a new desk, yeah, and got rid of some crap, I might take pics of it later and post it, woo. but for now I'ma workin' hard. And trying not to think of someone...ack
Righto, just had to put out some poetry and that new webbie, I'll talk later when I'm not in limbo.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
So, it looks..well, interesting, I could be out of there by the age of 19, which could jump my career. But, it seems like that school/college is for more people who want to be on Broadway. I don't have that kind of voice. I'd rather act. So, I dunno. I heard that Yale had a very good drama program as well, but the course is rigorous. I know sometime mom is going to get a book full of colleges for me to check out. Ack. There's only thirteen sophmores going this year. Can you believe that? I found out because this morning I was helping Ms. Maxey unload shit into a new room of ours. Then, I also found out that other than reading two novels..I'm supposed to do a double entry journal on one of them....yeah, I know, I should be working right now..in fact, I will, I don't think I'll be on all tonite, but I probably will. anywho, I'm off, adieu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
Saturday, August 07, 2004
T15WIT [10:23 PM]: I hate this world, don't you?
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: nah
T15WIT [10:23 PM]: well..just the part in my life on how NOTHING IS FUCKING GOING RIGHT
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: :(
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: well im sorry
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:23 PM]: anything i can do to help?
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: and also how someone up there likes to play extremely evil cruel ironic jokes on me
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: no, nothing here sex boy
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: lemme just rant
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: lmao
T15WIT [10:24 PM]: oh forget it, I'll just go shout to some paper somewhere
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: no its ok
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:24 PM]: i'm listening
T15WIT [10:25 PM]: I don't go to school with other kids, and I only have one friend whom has now made a new friend while my family has taken me away to chicago for two weeks to spend quality time with my family, aka screaming at each other, the "new friend" already dislikes me for some unknown reason
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: On top of that, my parent's are going to get their way with my future, I know damn well
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: and I'm going to be a foriegn exchange student or something
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: They want me to go to all these smart places
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: sure I might be smart
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: but I want to act!
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: I love to act!
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:26 PM]: Follow your dreams, that is your destiny.
T15WIT [10:26 PM]: and instead, I'm probably going to become some damn business shit or something
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: More like follow my parent's unlived dreams
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: =\
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: fuck this world
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: all it takes it money <3
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: You're not the world :p
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: it may sound retarded, but money is the root of all happiness Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: pfft i know im not
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: although you might think you are
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: im just the moon
T15WIT [10:27 PM]: corny
Ub3rb00n7331 [10:27 PM]: i gotta mottot
T15WIT [10:28 PM]: talking to you..isn't helping..
T15WIT [10:28 PM]: thanks! bye!
Carson's prolly glad he wasn't here to have me rant. And you know what? I don't think he likes me anymore. Nope, I think he just wants physical shit, he prolly thinks I'm some bimbo. Hell, why not let it all out? I know by tomorrow he'll read this go.."Oh..god" and I'll think of myself as a bufoon idiot. But it feels good. He's apathetic towards me, and if he isn't he's just horny. Sara, Sara, Sara. I've lost you haven't I? I mean, we'll still be friends, I know we will, but it'll lose quickly. We won't be as "buddy-buddy" maybe we'll just meet in hallways once or twice and say "hi" maybe only that because we'll forget each others names, maybe I was right a long time ago. Although it hurt from the inside, maybe not making friends in the first place would have saved me some great loneliness here. Maybe....I want to do so much, but I want to do it with someone..who understands me. Doesn't take me for a bimbo, although I might have my times. Someone I could talk a lot about to. Not just some acute stuff we have in common, someone whose open to new stuff, also someone who doesn't ridicule ideas I get at three in the morning, I mean, true, some are bad, but not all can..right? Oh god, you just hate me don't you? Curse me with being well-rounded, although it's beautiful to have, it's terrible with relationships, or maybe I'm just using it wrong, who knows? I have to be so negative all the time. And ugly. A..no, no more of that shit, I'm through with that. Oh, look at the time, I'm leaving tomorrow, I better go..goodnite journal, let's hope tomorrow will be better looking for me.
I hate you. I hate you so much I don't even know who you are, just someone who likes to mess with my mind.
None of this is turning out right, I don't want this from life. What happened? I don't want this! I want my life! I'm losing my best friend..I'm out of the loop at home, I'll always be out of the loop. I'll always be alone no matter where I go. Is that my joke in life? Always feeling alone no matter where I go? That's cruel. That's hideous. That's just evil. I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!!
Friday, August 06, 2004
On a winter’s day
Your soul I still can see
It was as empty as a storybook
That was written for me
Sulky shadows surround us
As we sit and watch the gloom
We drift apart though close together
Awaiting each his doom
Of course, there is music that goes to it, anyway, shitty poetry of the day, came to me at 1:00 AM this morning so I decided to write it down for god knows why. I better not write much, talk later blogger, bye!
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Anywho, off to paint!
Away!