Recent Conversation

2:44

"Hey babe, I'm going to buy myself a massage."
 "Why don't you let me do it?"
 "Well, like for a full hour??"
"Yeah I've done it in the past.."
 "Um...Okay, sure, will you give me an hour massage?"
 "Yeah, you've just got to exercise more, okay?"
 "Okay!"

 6:20

 Me thinking to myself while working out

 "What the fuck? That is fucked up for a relationship. I know I've got a tummy, I've been working out though dick wad, arms of steel here, so I've got a little tummy, I'm working on it, unlike you. Fucking jackass, I work 40 + goddamn hours a week, and you've been doing 25 since September. It's my goddamn money. What the fuck is wrong with me that I agreed to that shit. Fuck him I'm getting myself a massage, and reviewing our relationship. He should be open about concerns with my health, but that's fucking bribery over shit I don't need from him. Fuck him."

possible job offer for james in charlotte, checking it out at 4:30,
worried my car has been towed or given a silly seven dollar ticket for no reason
another super old

the cool grotto and it's denizens' freaks chilled even the smoke rings they blew. i knew i wouldn't last long.


i dunno, should i give up this writing thing?

a ladybug spoke to me today, he told me everything would be okay.

but i squashed him anyway

that's a lie, i set him free actually. i like boy ladybugs, but i never liked that movie bugs and it's portrayal of a boy ladybug, dunno, could be wrong.

so, i'm not pregnant, or i screwed up the test. guess we'll find out in a week. This be super old btw. Dunno why I didn't post it....

Hahahaha!

I've got this, bitches.

 I'm about to turn 23.

Get that? Lucky Number!

I live in Wilmington NC and ya know what? Pretty rocks. You live by pretty rocks.

And you own this shit.

I mean, you're a manager of a bookstore.

How awesome is that?

I mean isn't that all middle school me did? Read? Never stopping.


And it will end soon.

At least that's the plan...hahah, plan? hahahahhaahah!


All I've done is wrap myself in stories. Ever since Myrtle Beach. Stories in books in games in lives in people stories is all I've wrapped myself in, such a wonderful warm cozy sensation.


Bored? Perhaps. Am I boring? Of course. Am I happy? I....I think so.


So yes. I've climbed ranks. I've torn out throats and shown. I've climbed. Life is good. What have you accomplished?


What...

have I accomplished?



Nothing. too much,

found some good sushi....


...hmmmhahahha!


Myrtle Beach (parents), New York (w 83rd), Columbia (Broad river Rd), Charlotte (pineville) (?), Myrtle Beach (Kris' joint), Wilmington (monkey junction). I like seeming that I know the world. "Oh you're from Chicago? I've got family in LaGrange." I like knowing the suburbs, seeming a local. Don't look at me like that.


I'm gonna be shiny.

I'm gonna be an actress.

I'm gonna be shiny.


I mean...


...why not right?



I think I've worked it better too. Working the fields. He's helped, but I'm not sure how..but working where I'm at....it's helped too. I can work the fields of folks better. I can get them to see things about me that ain't there. I can get them to curl up around me.


Man,

I need to take some singing classes.


So.

Where to now, st. peter?


Hahhahahaha.

A Problem I Don't Know How to Fix.

And in her eyes you see nothing...

It happens about three to four times a year, I've noticed.

You need me, and I won't show up. In fact, I smash your heart into a thousand shards to boot.

I think I'm bad for you.

Remember Christmas? My parents and lying.

Remember Easter? That involved lying.

Remember all the times I was just plain neglectful of your emotions?

Like today?

You were depressed, and at work I was glad that we were going to take a day off together, but as soon as I got home, boom on computer playing video games ignoring you. You reading calvin and hobbes wanting some attention, attempting to initiate conversations that I quickly end.

You do not get what you want today.

I don't know why I did this to you.

I don't know why these moments occur

Me not preordering Dragon Age Origins for you was the last one,

your heart broken that I did not do it in time, too late for you to get it at the store, obviously I do not pay attention to the things you are interested in


You ask me on the toilet if I am just humoring you by standing there listening to you talk about Final Fantasy 8. I wasn't. I honestly was interested.

Why am I so wrapped up in my goddamn self?

How do I stop?

I try so hard after these moments for months to put you first,

but eventually

you always fall to the way side.

and it becomes numero uno again.

Blockbuster, Car Wash, and even here at the bookstore already made comments about I say "James and I" at the beginning of almost every statement..I talk about us a lot to them because it's all I know anymore.

But maybe I don't know anything about you. I could not tell exactly what Beatle's song it was you wanted to hear. I remember one time you mistook another band for the Beatles, but I could not be too sure.

Actually scratch Dragon Age. The Cereal Episode was the most recent.

Maybe they aren't 3-4 year.

Maybe they're once a week.

How often do I hurt you?

Is this relationship worth having if I keep doing this to you?

I was not lying that time I told you I really considered killing myself.

I get so sad and upset. I feel like I should leave all of my possessions behind.

Just leave it all behind.

But I don't want to know me. I want to know you. I want to get around me.

But what do you want?

Tory Smiles?

haha.


I don't know how to fix this. Not this episode. Time will heal this episode. I don't know how to fix myself.

This Will Go On Till July 8th

June 8th- 16.34 cicis
June 9th- 13.74 walmart
18.32 chilis
June 10th- 33.04 gas (2.46)
25.00 shoneys



Total so far: 48.40

Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down

ring around the


neck

So life is life, I'm here in Myrtle Beach, saving up money for...what? I like snuggling with him every morn, and I can friggin do that in any town, so why chicago? Cause it's cold? Cause it's his home town? Cause there might be work? Sure, why not Chicago, big city, I could act! Haha! I could go to school! haha! I could write! haha! But why I say? why why why? Kris said something funny, I was trying to speak and he bluntly says "You know I can't read your mind, right?" Oops, english and I are not friends krissy. Father says "Honest to god I don't know what you're doing" and you know what? Neither do i! But I have their christmas presents anyway. I wanted to get outta here ASAp as we grow accustomed to the lull, november becomes january, january becomes april, but it's not the change of location that will fix the problem. Is there even a problem? I have a device I thought I could take the picutres off my phone so I could show the world what I saw in columbia but it does not work. pity. Been reading. James took my 40 hours so now I've got, what 10 hours at sonic a week? Ha, need to find ANOTHER job. bleh. it smells like coffee here at ccu, there isn't a problem he says why can't we just enjoy what we have here and now? yes yes we can, but...

but...

something doesn't feel right.

meet up with huggins for tea soon, we'll see what the magical caterpillar has to say on her mushroom.

I leave now for a birthday present coming up soon, must look into it, winks and smiles for all


wow, everyone here at CCU looks like they're 15. strange...

What Really Was So Great About Amsterdam?

Life,

lesse

dropped out of college

leaving columbia

working as a bathroom installer, each job will bring in 500 to a grand

can do at least two jobs a week if they are not too hard

started working for charlotte, but it sucks here

getting job offers in pittsburgh, seattle, and south dakota















might be back in myrtle beach.

might go back to a shit pay job and live with kris.

*shrugs*

who knows right now.


it's in the air, going somewhere new sound cool to me, a place to relax, make some dough on the side go home and write.

s dakota'd be cool.

i think...i might be dying.

possible job offer for james in charlotte, checking it out at 4:30,
worried my car has been towed or given a silly seven dollar ticket for no reason
applied at blockbuster
fear of wedding that is silly
need to write that screenplay
had an excellent birthday.

New Orlean's Gumbo

So apparently the way to go is Dooky Chase, but since it is still "temporarily closed" from Katrina, the second best is Casamento's.

I need to remind myself of this. Yup.

I really should write that 350 word essay..but it's silly and I might need to know where the best gumbo is someday in my life.

This kinda caught my eye...

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Columbia+College+Chicago+good+school%3F&btnG=Search
http://collegesearch.collegeboard.com/search/CollegeDetail.jsp?collegeId=2941&profileId=0
http://www.colum.edu/Academics/Marketing_Communication/Marketing_Communication_Core.php

Slacking.

So I decided to not write this essay about Cold Mountain for my english class. It was due Thursday, April 24 and I kept pushing it off. I realized that I was not coming back and that the grade did not matter to me, I had learned what I came there for and did not need to write a paper just to get a C+ on it. So I did not write it. Day of final exam I step in to take it and my professor (Day was yesterday) and he says "I never got your paper, e-mail must've not worked out, go print it out for me" I went to the library and came back realizing that I cannot pull off the whole "Meh, I'm intelligent I don't need to prove it in this bullshit class" and accept a zero. I have never failed anything before, and I left the library. Called up James saying that I'm not doing it and I am cool and breaking down. He gets frustrated and angry with me and tells me to stop lying to myself. I work it out with my professor and he says well, it will be a shitty grade, but that's better than a zero so just turn it in by tomorrow morning 9 or 10ish. So I wrote most of all of it this morning in the computer lab that opened at 7:30 (8-10 page paper, I turned in 7 pages) and turned it in to him, only I am slightly worried because he wasn't there, he said slip it under his door, but I have that terrible feeling I was too late and he left already and just gave me a zero. Which is cool right? I mean, well fuck it's a little late now to worry so I'm not, but how can people pull it off? I mean just not giving a damn about what grade a professor gives you cause it's his damn opinion and he's entitled to it, but that's it. It's just his opinion, oh and the final was waay too fucking easy. The beginning of AP english easy. have another final today, producing class. I really liked my professor who reminded me of a gnome who is frightened easily. She's pretty awesome. I like my first note about her class "This woman is a wreck, and that kid is retarded." hit it on the spot too, anyway.


In other news, I'm poor. with a recipe on how to make pasta! Homemade cheese ravioli here I come!

Being in Myrtle Beach Tuesday night was not as bad as I thought it was, Brittany's mother didn't go berserk and grab a gun when she got the affadavit saying her daughter (Brit's sis, Courtney, now 12) is moving to Florida with her father because her mother is a terrible cocaine addict. It mainly wasn't bad because Brit chickenshitted out and was not there when her mother was handed the paperwork and talked to her about it. Instead, Courtney and her were hiding at Colin's house. They went to the airport to say goodbye to Court. And we met up with Brit and Colin at Denny's. Brittany is moving out to California, and I am going to miss her like crazy. I am staying in bumfuck Columbia till February to make more money and be able to move where I please. I think I am okay with this. I think I am going to be reading a lot more and making more money. possibly video games. Maybe I will cook a lot more.

Still have not told 'rents I am not going to school no more. Do not know when to tell, a little afraid to, but I do not think they care anymore (mother doesn't at least, dad will be broken again). Maybe I will tell them I am taking a "year" break.

Bleh.

Think I'm going to start meditating again.

Blah.

$2,121.32 - due 06/12/08

in Savings currently: 1300. By june, if each pay check is 150 at worst....I will be getting 450.

which is 1750...bleh.

there is 1573 in the checkings.

and yeah, maybe we should not move till february.

i don't want to be stuck here, but we really don't have any cash to leave town by august.

plus car needs tune up + new tires + eek.

Life.

Her corpse is poetry,
the carcass, prose.


I wrote this novel, just for you, it sounds pretentious, but it's true

hahaha.


It's always looking up.

.

I feel ugly and like I am antisocial. I am here in Columbia with nothing to do but stay at home and read, and I was/am looking forward to it, but is this really my view of fun? I haven't taken a photograph in over six months. Maybe I will look and try to find a place that sells film.

meh.

Heartsick.

I checked online today to see the new schedule for the May since I don't plan on coming back next year. I was upset because there was no marketing 101 or that blue screen class that was supposed to be there in the maymester. And it just hit me. No more school. I've been doing nothing but education now since I was four years old. 14 out of four years of my life. My life will be pretty empty without this whole learning stuff. Thing is, it wasn't learning. I haven't learned really anything for a while now, but ya know, this is my life. What am I going to do with it? It just hit me I'm gonig to have a lot of free time on my hand, and I don't want to spend it being a worker with nothing to do. Do I want that? Do I want to work all day come home and cuddle with James? Isn't that what he's been doing for three years now? Will my life become boring and will I be inept? There's gotta be more to it...just gotta..

Where Has the World Gone?

There's supposed to be a big world out there. Full of danger, and mystery. And it's not. It's the same everywhere. Disgusting.

Goddammit. I've been set up.

I thought about calling up Huggy Bear, telling her about how I have five postcards and a christmas package sitting in my locker since October from little old women at my church and how silly it is that I have not been christian in what feels like a long time. But then she'd wonder why I would call her, and I would find myself begging for forgiveness from her for not going out into the world and succeeding. So much of my life people have told me I am going to do something big, what would happen if I didn't? Only then at begging to her to not be angry with me that I am not going to school next year, only then would I realize it's not her that gives a shit. She was my goddamn english teacher in the 10th and 11th grade. She taught me grammar. That's it. No, it's those miserable parents. I'd break their heart. Again. Like I haven't already a million times over. I don't like being cold with them. Of course, my mother would be cold with me, but she would secretly be crying to herself each night. That's how she's always been, She was like that when Dad was being a bastard to her. I guess that's why I'm here. Expounding to an internet diary that millions of others do each second. I'm no updike of a writer. And it took me to hear praise of another person about how great their writing is that I realized that even I wanted to, I'd just be another dime a dozen paperback novelist. No thank you very much not that. I have nothing to teach. And so far I have not really learned anything in this fucking place so I guess I have nothing to learn either.

I'm miserable because I have no where to go from here.


Now don't get me wrong. I'm actually not miserable right now, (dramatic, oh good god yes) I have James. He is my love and light, but there is more to my life than cuddling with him. I will give him what he wants if he asks for it. Just ask.

I walked into the cafeteria and said to myself. Wait, I'm not hungry. and then left through the long line of people waiting at the cash register.

I don't feel right. Busying my self. Keeping myself busy so I can't enjoy life. Or am I supposed to be right now? I'm so very confused. Even my collegues and friends feel like their drifting into a zombie state of mind. Not reaching themselves into stupidity but more of a state of dullness. I can't take it. I gotta get out somehow. Somehowsomehowsomehowsomehow. I like that word.

Buy

2 shares in SNE SONY CORP
3 shares in GME GAMESTOP CORP
and

3 shares in NFLX NETFILX

should be around the alloted $300.

You Better Believe I was Waiting for this Recession.

ICICI Bank Limited (ADR) (IBN)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 63.89 64.40 61.30 62.26 3,556,022
01/24/2008 60.10 60.25 58.25 59.06 4,096,328
01/23/2008 59.10 61.71 57.00 61.39 6,130,478
01/22/2008 55.85 62.50 55.85 61.68 4,927,538
01/18/2008 62.36 63.95 60.50 62.34 3,871,926
01/17/2008 67.29 68.00 62.10 62.70 4,327,912
01/16/2008 68.25 68.85 64.34 66.25 3,849,355
01/15/2008 68.06 68.97 65.87 66.03 3,868,496
01/14/2008 72.10 72.83 70.15 71.39 2,339,436
01/11/2008 73.16 74.25 71.47 72.14 3,016,913
01/10/2008 67.52 73.39 67.52 72.88 3,586,788


Currently at: $62.26 Up: $3.20 (+5.42%)

China Mobile Ltd. (ADR) (CHL)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 79.88 80.17 74.74 75.57 4,674,170
01/24/2008 76.00 78.22 75.80 77.85 4,120,711
01/23/2008 74.89 79.66 71.01 78.78 7,421,487
01/22/2008 70.11 77.33 70.11 75.53 5,791,341
01/18/2008 77.25 79.29 75.97 77.39 5,032,653
01/17/2008 77.72 78.36 74.24 74.72 4,611,618
01/16/2008 75.25 76.76 72.12 74.90 5,998,722
01/15/2008 80.16 80.80 76.95 77.65 5,305,198
01/14/2008 83.81 84.86 83.32 84.21 2,730,435
01/11/2008 86.54 86.54 84.46 85.07 2,978,625
01/10/2008 86.69 90.00 86.22 88.94 3,974,580

Currently at: $75.57 Down: $2.28 (-2.93%)

AT&T, Inc. (T)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 36.02 36.25 35.13 35.26 40,919,877
01/24/2008 36.56 37.24 35.00 35.75 44,842,979
01/23/2008 35.34 37.02 33.32 36.69 56,236,304
01/22/2008 34.35 36.05 33.60 36.01 50,103,203
01/18/2008 37.40 37.80 35.41 36.11 48,609,291
01/17/2008 38.00 38.27 37.10 37.30 30,204,437
01/16/2008 37.60 38.85 37.55 37.87 37,715,588
01/15/2008 37.91 38.10 37.46 37.63 28,860,343
01/14/2008 38.43 38.78 38.23 38.51 21,751,690
01/11/2008 38.96 39.18 37.88 38.20 29,823,085
01/10/2008 38.72 39.67 38.17 39.40 35,734,219

Currently at: $35.26 Down: $0.49 (-1.37%)

Sony Corp (ADR) (SNE)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 47.94 47.94 46.40 46.69 1,682,928
01/24/2008 46.90 47.52 46.57 47.49 1,582,100
01/23/2008 46.45 48.75 45.53 48.56 2,606,387
01/22/2008 47.38 50.17 47.38 50.06 1,931,905
01/18/2008 51.30 52.11 50.57 51.44 1,729,659
01/17/2008 52.34 52.55 51.00 51.12 1,819,529
01/16/2008 53.00 53.20 51.98 52.55 2,275,467
01/15/2008 54.84 54.84 53.67 53.78 2,180,500
01/14/2008 56.20 56.50 55.09 55.75 1,546,947
01/11/2008 56.00 56.21 55.12 55.30 910,923
01/10/2008 56.14 56.95 55.72 56.43 849,692

Currently at: $46.69 Down: $0.80 (-1.68%)

Badger Meter, Inc. (BMI)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 39.07 40.20 38.20 38.64 76,212
01/24/2008 40.10 40.95 38.86 39.07 121,410
01/23/2008 37.40 39.86 36.15 39.81 155,700
01/22/2008 34.97 37.75 34.97 37.60 108,272
01/18/2008 36.53 37.11 34.61 36.50 126,347
01/17/2008 38.85 39.40 36.28 36.32 91,750
01/16/2008 39.28 39.92 38.40 38.95 106,266
01/15/2008 38.23 39.73 37.17 39.32 129,700
01/14/2008 39.10 40.40 37.71 38.85 127,525
01/11/2008 40.09 40.99 39.27 39.60 90,075
01/10/2008 41.00 41.94 39.30 40.90 81,100

Currently at: $38.64 Down: $0.43 (-1.10%)

GameStop Corp. (GME)
Date Open High Low Close Volume

01/25/2008 53.03 53.52 49.36 49.60 3,677,949
01/24/2008 52.45 52.98 51.01 52.42 3,694,441
01/23/2008 49.09 52.12 47.75 52.05 5,774,751
01/22/2008 46.59 51.07 44.76 50.47 6,163,225
01/18/2008 50.07 51.98 49.05 49.32 3,875,281
01/17/2008 51.37 53.65 49.37 49.72 4,513,598
01/16/2008 49.48 51.85 49.48 51.31 4,970,961
01/15/2008 53.45 53.45 50.30 50.81 3,944,639
01/14/2008 52.34 53.98 52.28 53.71 3,320,867
01/11/2008 52.00 53.50 51.60 52.12 4,961,662
01/10/2008 54.13 55.99 50.25 52.27 10,015,821
Currently at:$49.60 Down: $1.43 (-2.73%)

Keep Tabs on These:

http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/IBN.aspx
http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/CHL.aspx
http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/SNE.aspx-*
http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/NFLX.aspx
http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/T.aspx
http://caps.fool.com/Ticker/BMI.aspx-*

*good feeling on this one

"Bullshit."

This is killing me, kid.

So there is no adventure, nothing romantic whatsoever.

You and I both know I already realized this.

What was the answer you wanted from me? Only to realize that it had nothing to do with what you wanted, but myself. Only to find that

there is nothing there.

No passion. No lust. It's all halfassedhearted now. Nothing is giving me any oomph or drive to do anything. And running away to any old country won't do jack squat. Running never does anything. I feel like a meek monstrosity to you now.

Spark? There is none. I can't find it. All my stories are lackluster and not worth the paper they're on, and even then it won't do anything. It doesn't matter what I choose it will all feel like busywork. I tried to be honest and true and tell you what I was thinking and all you could tell me was it was bullshit because I would have followed through on it.

I'm reading more books and articles and such hoping that something will give me a jolt an idea or something. Talking to someone, anyone, won't help. There is no guidance in this realm.

I just found myself thinking about traveling the world and videotaping what I saw. But then I realized just like I did in Russia that it's better to see "the world through both my eyes" (sorry to be so corny johnnie boy). So, maybe, I should write it down? After all, I've gone through so much? I used to write a character a day and act it out. Be them for that day.

I like painting, but not enough to pursue it. I know I would like to go to a chef's school one day. Not to be a chef, but just because, well, I like to cook. Then again, for that matter I miss dancing. And I really miss ice skating.

People who write about their travels are always so boring though. I mean, who would want to read about venturing to Africa when you could just go?



So am I back at the start? I know I want to be with James, to make him happy, and that I have a lot more to learn. Is that it right now? Is that all I got? I could be that astrophysicist. I could be that many things. anythings.

blah.

i'm going to be so sleepy when all of this is through.

One Headlight

This song is doing wonders on my heart

I'm just realizing now that I've done so much with my life, and I've been to so many places.

And I have so much more to do.

Last night I asked James if it feels like he's going to wake up and we're both going to be sixty. he said "sixty and that we went on a skiing trip in Germany and both broke our legs, yes." Then I asked him if the first time we met felt like yesterday, and he said no, that it was ages ago.

And I have to agree with him.

i don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
i can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
cinnamon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
you never know just how you look
through other people's eyes

~~~~~~~

Playlist of songs from my childhood

Melanie- Brand New Key
Walter Egan- Magnet and Steel
Tommy james and the Shondells-Crimson and Clover and Crystal Blue Persuasion
The Cyrkle- Red Rubber Ball
Lou Christie- Lightning Strikes
Statler Brothers- Counting Flowers on the Wall
Blues Image- Ride Captain Ride
Chris Rea- Fool if you think it's over
George Parliament- Aw we rock da funk, gotta have da funk
Social Distortion- Ball and Chain
Gene Pitney- Man who Shot Liberty Valance
~~~~~

Calway alley wasn't really an alley. It was actually just a dead-end dirt road that led out to a field. But Rochester didn't really care, he was just out lookin for something to hunt and eat that night. Rochester, mind you, is a cat, who didn't really give a second thought to the dead body lying amongst the weeds, he just knew it was decaying and that live mice would be better on his stomach.


~~~~~~~

Robert Anton Wilson, je t'aime.

Look at me! I'm such a loser...I am paying for a dorm room I'm not staying in, I have a 100 dollar phone bill, I thought I was pregnant, I've had to patch two different tires and replace a spare and get a new tire. I'm going through the motions of being an idiot, and I thought I was better than this.
meh.

Oh dear lord, $100.84?

well there goes that paycheck


for everyone to know: if you're calling me during the day, it'd better be an emergency cuz i went over my 500 day minutes, but you can call me anytime on nights and weekends ^_^ (5000 of those)

you know what the retarded part is?

I'm such an idiot. They charge you double by minutes for playing the games on the phone. I was used to suncom where the games were..well, free, and I played them all the time. Cingular has the indecency to charge double for every minute played. I was so stupid to not read the extreme fine print on that one.


ick, oh well.

Be Considerate!

the cool grotto and it's denizens' freaks chilled even the smoke rings they blew. i knew i wouldn't last long.


i dunno, should i give up this writing thing?

a ladybug spoke to me today, he told me everything would be okay.

but i squashed him anyway

that's a lie, i set him free actually. i like boy ladybugs, but i never liked that movie bugs and it's portrayal of a boy ladybug, dunno, could be wrong.

so, i'm not pregnant, or i screwed up the test. guess we'll find out in a week.

Holey Shite it's Friday already


hmmm...what did I do last friday

oh yeah


SO

I worked that Wednesday and Thursday, and Kris a thiry something best buddy of james..



Kris- married James' older sister Kira. She was 18, he was 26..(?) They did a couple of menage a trois which eventually led to a divorce. Kira is now with Kelly and has two children. Kris is single and lonely but glad he is no longer with Kira..I think. Plus, he is now a manager at a beauty supply shop seeing that he is a hairstylist (and now a licensed cosmetician) and is happy with that (his company just gave him a cruise to Cozumel which he enjoyed greatly)


Kris had to stop by the southeastern headquarters of the beauty supply shop which is right across the street from where we live. While waiting on picking up James from work around six, Kris and I decide to stop at the Book Dispensary (A "Living Room" without the coffee shop, only better aka I found a 1920's chemistry textbook from harvard that has lotsa nifty things in it). There is a new girl behind the counter and next thing I know Kris is flirting all out on this chick. I walk away looking at the books when Kris walks out with a complete Dune original series and a signed book that was fifty dollars. Next thing I know he's telling me in the car how he paid ten dollars for the lot of it and a haircut. A haircut? Yes, the girl he was flirting with needed a haircut, and Kris had the tools to do it. He was also looking for a potential relationship/sex. So we pick up James from work and get a call from this girl asking if we'd like to eat out first, and then we're at this small ale house from the 1800's (old brick and everything seat yourself bar wench kinda deal) and there is a great little jazz band in the corner and the three of us discover that this woman is a) not the brightest bulb on the marquee and b)annoying beyond belief. It soon started when the let us all know how much of a veagan she was (Kris, by the by is a carnivore and ordered a meat platter before she ordered her ceasar dressing hold the cheese salad) She was an english major at USC, and, of course, finds herself in an argument over something with James who keeps trying to bring it back to Kris, but no, she keeps wanting to flirt with/argue with him. She has also had several glasses of white wine in her system (turns out she's 25). After this whole ordeal at the hunter gatherer (which I should go back to, made a mean sausage and peppers) James and I decide that since the haircut has been planned at our house (She offered our house "I have pot!") we're going to let Kris drive back with her, so he can help her with directions. Car ride, james describes how much he don't think he can stand her or her overbearing perfume (which did manage to find my nostrils across a bar room), and we're at our house. Now, mind you, we don't have any chairs. Hell, our "dinner table" is an old trunk of James' that holds all of our movies, but we make due. We have one rolly chair that is half broken, and we pull out a bedsheet on the ground underneath it to catch the hair. I realize that I stil have half a bottle of merlot left in the fridge from thanksgiving (drunken vegetables...everyone was pretty crazy that nite) that I offer her and she sips the whole thing from a plastic teacup my mom gave me from a garage sale. She's sitting there, and Kris is about to cut her hair when I ask the wrong question "Do you ususally come to stranger's home and drink liquids?" aka I mean, well, c'mon you'd have to be well anyway. So there it is. A stranger girl/woman moaning in the middle of our living room floor while Kris is cutting away at her hair, and I begin to ask questions from a mensa puzzle book. This will explain her brillance: james asks the question "what food do you throw away the outside, eat the inside, eat the outside, throw away the inside?" instaneously I say loud enough for I thought everyone to hear "an ear of corn?" and james nods and is about to grab another one when the girl goes "oo, this is tough, um" thirty minutes later "oh oh wait! an olive? no...hmm.....I know! An Onion! Oh yes yes an onion!" and james utterly miserable at this point goes.. "Yes, an onion can fit that" and by then she's finished with her haircut, and gives Kris 30 dollars for the haircut because she is not sober, and I'm worried cause she's driving home, but later Kris is like "well if they find her, she'll have a beautiful haircut" (which it was) So here's Kris. He made twenty bucks and basically also got a load of books for free. So where do we go? Correct, Barnes and Noble. We came home crashing after that one. Now, the girl did invite us to a party after the haircut, but even though it was eight we let her know how much sleep we didn't get last night (of course, we never sleep, but eh)


wow, i'm talking alot, oh well.


Last night I was in Agusta, GA; because James dad was in town for teaching plumbing. Got james an interview with plumbing people in Columbia. We drove an hour, found him , went to a Dennys, drove back. It was a nice night.

Tu es ma ange.

I gotta get outta here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So. My life: I work as a banquet server, so far my most recent evening was catering to a "Life Giving Order Ministry's Christmas Gala" which featured a reverened from the Bahamas and a Prophetess who is unmarried to them even though they have about 13 children. The most awkward part of the evening is when they were giving a sermon and half way through the "reverend" says "and when the white man calls you nigga" and hearing a buncha "amens" and "hallelujahs" and then you realize that you are the only caucasian in a sea of 250 brown (and black) folk. I also like the table of mexican/puerto ricans that they acknolweged by saying "hey zeus" sometimes for their benefits. That was also the first time I saw people having seizures on the dance floor. *Sidenote: unlike my church where we had soloists and sometimes sign languagists to songs, this group had mimes. That's right, full mime gear, kinda cool.

I like working for the Clarion and Pridestaff, but I need to think about what the hell I am doing with my life.

Christmas day was nothing but sex and video games and cuddling. Well spent if you ask me. I made stuffed mushrooms, but they failed. We also had breakfast at a packed waffle house. Christmas eve was great because in the middle of watching a Christmas Story (I picked that one at Ed's a dollar video store across the street from us, jaime picked the last mimzy which was a helluva alot better than I expected) I realized I ate waaay too much and I felt like I was gonna retch. Next thing I know I'm half awake and crying and saying that I'm gonna be fat. And james is going "damn girl, you ate more than me! you ate a whole pizza and 3 strudels!" he then proceeded to calm me down by letting me know that I was just stuffed and that I'm not going to be fat and then I cried back the whole time saying "But why? Why did I eat all of that?" (That being half of an apple and gorgonzola cheese pizza and the other half of a red baron mexican supreme pizza which is basically nachos on a pizza crust)

On the 18th of December my parents gave me stuff I bought when I moved here to Columbia like sponges, and spoons, and brownie mix. No vacuum, no gun. On the plus side, they are paying for my school tuition which if four grand. Due to my scholarships, the end total is 2 grand, so the other two I am putting forth for car insurance *coughjiffylubecough*. James and I are coming out ahead, even if we are giving Brittany money all the time (last "gift" was 350) It's just money right?


Which reminds me, I don't know where I'm headed next. All I know is this:


I want to see the world.

Going to the Oscars in blue jeans would be nice.

I like acting.

I want to be with James no matter what.



and James plans are:

See the world.

Snuggle with Tory.



So we have no idea where the hell we're going. Maybe we should buy a map and some darts....

I feel strange.

Textbook Prices

Textbook I paid for from the bookstore for this semester: $162.44


Refund prices from school: $30.00

Refund prices from amazon.com (if I choose to sell and if anyone buys): $97.00



Never again shall I buy from the school. Well, I knew that before, but I was too busy moving in the apartment and being with James for the first time in a long time to really notice. But now....ah.

The "Scoop"

Hi Tory's Mom,
Hey, what's the scoop on Girl Tory Went to School With (Debbie's daughter)? She contacted Friend from gradeschool who movied in the fourth grade whose name begins with J and told her she was so excited she found her best friend from years ago. They played together from time to time, but were never best friends. J even admits it's a bit odd. She just seems to be coming on very strong. She even emailed (myspace) J's best friend, Shawna, and told her she was J's best friend from Myrtle Beach. Odd. She also told J she is doing very well financially. Worked at the Doll House for awhile making $700.00 a night. Now attends Coastal Carolina. What happened to that shy little Grade School Girl I knew from Girl Scouts and TLC???!!
She told J that Dawn (Somebody Else Tory went to School with's mom) is getting a divorce. Her husband is the one that works, or worked, at Allen's auto.
Friend of Tory's Mom

~~~~~~~

Is it wrong that my initial thought was "700 a night ain't bad..hmm"?

Honestly, my parents disgust me, I have no idea why they send me this shit.

Oh, I'm a banquet server now, pretty cool I guess, makes 8-11 an hour depending on who it is. Going to the Clarion tomorrow on Gervais. I'm sleepy...


Oh, and thank god that semester is finished with

Predicted Grades:
SOCY-B
ECON-C
MART 110- A
MART 210- A
PHIL- A/B+++

Cons About Life

-somebody spilled soda on my macbook two weeks ago. Little did I know that I should have taken out the battery instead of setting on it's side hoping it would drain. Now I have no Macbook that would either cost $750 in repairs or I could just buy a new one for a grand. Or I could just live off the school system which I have been doing for the past two weeks. Only now do I have a brand new has never been touched printer/scanner, ipod, and leather carrying case for a laptop.

-There is now $580 in the bank. No job yet in my sights, might have to do it as soon as semester is over. James is working overtime at his job.

-I fucking hate Columbia and USC with a passion.

-My parents never fail to rub anything in my face about life.

-Since my auto insurance is dropping me Dec. 12th because a somebody at Jiffy Lube pulled my car improperly into the area where they do oil changes (My car dropped through a net and sat halfway through Jiffy Lube's basement and a towing service pulled it out with minor scratches), I am now currently searching for auto insurance. Every six months I paid $802, the lowest offer I am receiving right now is $2232 for six months.

-My jumpdrive Mr. Gilbert gave me in the tenth grade has gone M.I.A. It had four scripts on it and a cornucopia of old AIM conversations.

-My life is a mess and I cry once a day or so.




Pros About Life

-I have him.

- I make a mean cornbread.

there is about 150 left. we've both got to get a job, he'll be workin two i'll be takin up one. life isn't working out financially



but everything else is pretty good.

electricity will be low because it's nice enough weather to just open the windows. rent will always be the same as my phone bill. i'm okay with eating cereal and ramen for a long time.

it will all work out soon, this I know.

So yeah


I'm digging Chicago.


totally.


and willow.

Why'd you sing hallelujah?

teeth may sink,
but yellow eyes will always
cut my heart

I think I'm gonna cry

Holy shit. We had a philosophy exam today?

Dammit, and it's all that probability shit about dice and mathematics.


oh god, I'm failing all my classes.

I think I'm going to cry


well no


actually not

but I'm pissed at myself that my scholarship money will disappear because of this.

I feel dead, empty, and lackluster.


dull.


and i can't escape.

Ayup.

I should probably make friends here shouldn't I?



and I should probably actually make A's too.

This is my family.



well...my siblings at least.



Yes, they turned this in for school.

that quiet numbing feeling

Ow.

owowowowowowowow.


these arms are to heavy to lift, and i can barely keep my head up.


One day I'll write a song for you

about how i felt

in that second floor bathroom stall.

cough cough

hack wheeze


um...

muah!


i just kissed a james!

So this can all be summed up with

"Holy Moo Cows I have a terrible headache."


Blew three grand, two of it went to my parents.


500 went to this phone deposit.


and now the quest for car insurance ensues

and a job


I hate this place.

well no, maybe I don't hate college. I should give it more of a shot.

Just

I understand what he meant with "Weak"

Giddy

5 more days!

ready to count?

Saturday- Legs waxed, see Catherine at comedy show


Sunday- Mom comes into town, Dinner with Chuck and Robin

Monday- Work! Sweet joyous work (aka, another 200 which means this summer paid me a grand)

Tuesday- Who knows, I'm with mom, we'll live it up.


Wednesday- jamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesandranchcheesefriesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesandsaraandeveroneelsetoojamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesjamesohandfamily.

A Sidenote on Life

Tory,

you drank 2.5 liter's of Natural wheat ale with a 5.5% alchol by volume content.


The 18 year old Chinese boy drank .75 L

The 28 year old Korean drank 1 L

and the 48 year old Japanese man drank 2 L.


You out drank them all.

and now,

they are all drunk.

and you still remain sober (although I will admit that I feel if I drank any more I would be at least tipsy)


you are not horny.

you are possibly sleepy, but that might have something to do with the fact that A) you did not sleep alot last night and B) you have had a long day.

Nothing feels strange or odd (like the people in a drunken stupor are acting like)

the other three have decided to go smoke some mary jane in the barn


the 16 year old boy went to bed one hour ago deciding to not touch alcohol


and the korean seriously wished he could fuck you.




Now, you are going upstairs to read/fall asleep.

lock your door just in case, you're in the catskills with no communication what so ever.



...


..and you don't really like japanese food

..


and out of the 13 fish caught, you can claim two bluefin's and three catfish to your name.



g'nite.

You know,

I've called you a total of six times.

You've never attempted a call to me.

This whole summer.

I gave up on Ben, one phone call to him...

...would it fucking kill you to say "hi"?




I stopped calling, because I'm sick of being the one trying to keep some relationship together.

I guess this is a nice way of you letting me know that our friendship would not have lasted in college.

..so maybe I won't visit Charleston as much as I thought..

~~~~~~~

I'm selfish, and a pig. Rereading this and I know you are just busy all summer running around with movies and work (work really) and Ems.

Sorry, I just got a bit lonely and selfish and took it out on you, Sara.

So apparently that wasn't godzilla, but actually a steam pipe explosion.

And I checked the details on CNN's webpage, This was at the bottom:

More News
U.S. »
Daniel Pearl's widow sues terrorists
Jailed polygamist vows to keep just one wife

Politics »
McCain, Edwards slip in New Hampshire poll
Obama chips away at Clinton with subtle jabs

Entertainment »
'Sopranos' favored to grab Emmy recognition
Famed tenor dies of injury after shooting

Travel »
A crash course in Mexico's varied cuisine
Travel + Leisure: Aarhus: Danish modern

Law »
Dad tells daughter's killer all about his pain
Mom denies taking teens to a killing

Business »
Bernanke warns on housing, energy
IBM's jumps on software strength


World »
Pardon for child 'suicide bomber'
Nepal landslides kill at least 21

Health »
Dr. Gupta: Inside the TB patient's surgery
Studies: Restless legs syndrome 'real'

Tech »
Apple's Steve Jobs top 'Powergeek'
China censors blamed for email chaos

Living »
Champ psychs out players for $8 million
What you can do to beat the burglars

Science »
Report: O2 'dead zone' growing in Gulf
Chimps on treadmills offer evolution clue

Sports »
NFL will proceed cautiously on Vick
Top chokes, meltdowns in golf major history







Does anyone realize how screwy this is? 21 people died in a landslide in Nepal. That's near the bottom. 3 scalded in NYC and it's front story? I also appreciate the fact that Steve Jobs is more important than China.


dammit. I wanted to go to that improv show tontie (chuck and robin cancelled the concert since chuck is sickie)

One last time

*sigh*

So I've been enjoying NYC, and escaping regularly this huge problem in my life through booze, babes, and violence exploring, reading, and watching.

Chuck and Robin have been a big help, they're basically a few years younger than my parents only not married, don't want kids, rich, and they actually like me. wow.

so we're going to a free concert tonite at madison square garden. But i've come to the conclusion that NYC is a nice place, but unless you were born and raised here, it is not a nifty place to live. Sorry Brit, I understand this is your favourite town but...I dunno

Oh and this problem?

*phone rings*

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey, mom, listen I just wanted to ask have you bought the sheets yet?
Mom: Um...no...
Me: Good, don't. I'm not going to live in the dorm.
Mom: I thought you would crash at least once a week there..
Me: No, this is just silly. I'm living with james.
Mom: Well. Okay.
Me: Okay, love you mom, bye.
Mom: Bye.


So I understand that it now costs me 2 grand a semester to go to USC basically for on house living because GUESS WHAT? "Unless one has written notice from parents that they are living off campus with his/her guardian, one must spend his/her first year upon the USC campus. And if you change your mind bitches too late because no one knew about this till after June 30th muahahahah"

so stupidity upon my part. and now I have my own dorm room! yippity skippity yay! Maybe I'll use the awesome kitchen in the downstairs...or in my apartment. So now because of this, I owe the school $2000 that no, my parents will not help in. Fucking FAFSA. You either have to put in your parents money situation or your spouses...hmm...spouses....maybe...it's too late anyway..I think...*Sara pleads in the background for me to not get hitched so early..."I love you, Tory. But I can't see you marrying so early" But Sara, I already know I'm gonna be with this guy forever and everyone I think knows that I don't place much in marriage...but it is a good thing to do finacially wise...*


$2000 (dorm one must live in so USC can gouge cash out of you) + $2000 (setting up apartment and paying rent)= $4000 X 2 (for next semster)= $ 8000

and all I have is $6000.

= waitressing.



"But sweetie, you can fucking sleep with him on the weekends! He can be with you in your dorm room till 2 AM!!..............speaking of which I want you to see a gynocologist"

"Mooom..."

Holy Shit, Shashi wasn't kidding. Takki chicken rolls, 4.50 for 8 for two, in this city I thought they'd be small but one filled me up so I have another in the fridge

they're greasydelicious my taste buds rejoice. couldn't find a homeless guy to give it to though, sat across a fellow at Washington Park, he was memorizing lines which I gotta do for my acting class, fuck I need to get on that.

It was a good day.

and out of Kill Bill, Easy Rider, and Cicade De Deus...well no, I guess I can't pick a favourite. Kill Bill for the shininess (dammit! Why didn't I get the second volume?!) Easy Rider was slow but pretty country. liked the ending. Cicade De Deus just kicked ass, but I like those kind of movies so it might be me.

Gonna do laundry, they have a library in the basement and I found something about learning Russian there last nite which works for me.

I desperately need someone to crack my back.

...

and a cold bath.


Oh I might see TMBG and Decemberists alone, which oh well, but hell even I can't pass up those two. Still gotta see Spring Awakening and I LOVE BLEECKER BOB'S ALBUM SHOPPE! ahhh I got a firesign album, a um "techno" album, and the damien rice "O" cd for 5 bucks a piece. that place is wonderfully cheap and when I asked for directions to Maumoons falafel stand they were like "Oh no man, don't go there, their chef just quit and opened his own place two blocks down etc etc" I found the Indian Roll place Shashi mentioned before either of the falafel places. I think I want to go to the Blue Note too.

Yeah, um. I might go to NYU cause the area surrounding just kicks ass.

No, I need to check out the west coast before I make any decision.

But I talked to the reps of masters of film division at Columbia U and NYU and both said to not waste my time with Honors and to just do media arts and business and hurry the fuck up. So I'm not gonna be in Honors USC even though I worked my ass off to get there. Which means 2 years at the longest. Hell yeah bitches.


I know I know my acting career up here is going no where, but I gotta let you know I am having a fucking awesome time.

Lonely? True, I'll give you that, I do say hello to passerbys on street and talk to the homeless when giving them pop tarts...Yes, I have no friends up here, but ah oh well, I'm making the most.

Tomorrow..staten island ferry free? cross the brooklyn bridge? Or is the farmer's market at Union Square only open on Sunday's? Yeah, I think I'll head over there.

*blows a kiss*




*winks too*