"Bullshit."

This is killing me, kid.

So there is no adventure, nothing romantic whatsoever.

You and I both know I already realized this.

What was the answer you wanted from me? Only to realize that it had nothing to do with what you wanted, but myself. Only to find that

there is nothing there.

No passion. No lust. It's all halfassedhearted now. Nothing is giving me any oomph or drive to do anything. And running away to any old country won't do jack squat. Running never does anything. I feel like a meek monstrosity to you now.

Spark? There is none. I can't find it. All my stories are lackluster and not worth the paper they're on, and even then it won't do anything. It doesn't matter what I choose it will all feel like busywork. I tried to be honest and true and tell you what I was thinking and all you could tell me was it was bullshit because I would have followed through on it.

I'm reading more books and articles and such hoping that something will give me a jolt an idea or something. Talking to someone, anyone, won't help. There is no guidance in this realm.

I just found myself thinking about traveling the world and videotaping what I saw. But then I realized just like I did in Russia that it's better to see "the world through both my eyes" (sorry to be so corny johnnie boy). So, maybe, I should write it down? After all, I've gone through so much? I used to write a character a day and act it out. Be them for that day.

I like painting, but not enough to pursue it. I know I would like to go to a chef's school one day. Not to be a chef, but just because, well, I like to cook. Then again, for that matter I miss dancing. And I really miss ice skating.

People who write about their travels are always so boring though. I mean, who would want to read about venturing to Africa when you could just go?



So am I back at the start? I know I want to be with James, to make him happy, and that I have a lot more to learn. Is that it right now? Is that all I got? I could be that astrophysicist. I could be that many things. anythings.

blah.