What a feeling in my soul...

- "Brighter than sunshine" Aqualung

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Christmas party at P&M tonite. Dirty danced with Julien. Turned down a few vodka cranberry drinksis from the bartender. Feel slightly sick and reek of cigarette smoke.

I had a nice time.

Ben got sick today. Really bad, I'm not sure how he pulled it off, be he drove him and I over to his place before he crashed into his driveway. We got inside and were instantly greeted with Moxie and Jesse, of course I let the girls lick me to death while Benny boy went to the bathroom, then I searched the cupboards for any kind of campbell's I could find, which I discovered in the back some alphabet. he had about 2 sips of it before laying on the couch. Poor son of a gun, mom came and picked me up and yelled at me and how my coat was covered with dog hair, to which I was later masking taped down.

And while all this was happening, taking care of a sick brother, screaming at my sister about if she sings mr. hanky the christmas poo one more freakin time, helping baptize a baby, coming up with a new screenplay idea, crying at my father shouting how I don't trust him, Brian setzer music, and dirty dancing with a gay man, I still thought of him. And how I think I'd rather be in a parking lot, or on a beach, or in a stopped car in NC, or sipping coffee...

I'm freezing, I'm off on a quest to find a heating pad or blanket, my yellow comforter has dissapeared thanks to some sibling prankster I assume, well away I go..

adieu

Dreams

Falling asleep with candles on 10-1: No dreams whatsoever, just good thick dead.

Falling asleep without candles, 2-5 *with getting up alot*: Had trouble falling asleep, There's a good reason my body didn't want to :

A group of us in a house, A hallway , white door (of course) and brass knob, a green wrapped package on the other side. Another girl was supposed to go, but I went to the living room due to insomnia, and a red flashlight was spinning around the room, and it landed upon me, the house said I should go in the room. I had already eaten some barbeque chips(?) anywho, it started beeping saying "it had chosen" only the other girl came in racing with the rest, and she knoced me down. So now, she was standing in the red flashlight's way. So everyone thought it was going as planned. She tried to walk in the hallway, but it said she hadn't done everything, so she ate some chips too. Then she walked through the door way into the empty hall, and as she was picking up the gift, the door closed. For about a week it stayed close, and then one morning, it was open, just an empty hallway, no girl.

Woke up. Fell back asleep.

Ms. Penn in a grey stone cave. Here she's telling me she is in trouble for our little trip and look at the pictures the "girl" brought back with her from the house. The pictures start out with her just picking up the gift like on a stage, a huge proscenium stage and just her picking up this small green box, but then the pictures abruptly change as the page turns. Three boys/men. Who knows, black circles under their eyes. One has poofy hair like curls. It just has a few picture of them. Then the rest were gory pictures of them killing the girl. Ms. Penn was in tears saying how she didn't know she would let satan out...

Woke up again. Luckily it was 5:27 and I set my alarm for 5:30. I'm off to do math homework, but first let me conclude...

Ahem *cough* In conclusion, it is better to sleep with the lights on.

Ever wake up and look in the mirror, and see a really ugly version of you?

Yeah, that happens every now and then, and it occured today.

Now every time I've looked in the mirror today all I can see is imperfections.

Don't get me wrong, I have mornings where I wake up and I'm beautiful, and I wish someone would see me like that.

But not today.



Oh well, off to work.

*Song been going through my head all day: "Why?" Andrew Bird*

Oh and...

I saw Chronicles of Narnia Saturday night. I liked it more than I thought I would.

He stopped contacting.

Should I start worrying?

No, only fools worry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthritic achiness all over, if I just don't go through the pain of movement I will always stay in my bed. And I can't stand to be in one spot at the same time. Day 2 of illness. Ben came over yesterday. Everyone was in church, I had just called him at 8 to say that I couldn't make it to his singy thingy and that I was terribly sorry. Ben said all he got was me crying and some garbled words and it sounded like I was on my death bed. He made me soup and left before anyone came home from church. I love him. To add to my fevers of 102, strange dreams, so far my favourite was the one I just woke up from:

Killers in my house, well more like I was outside on the porchswing and came around the front, all I know is that they ransacked my house, I remember being at the end of the street in the back of the car, after attempting to dial 911 multiple times on a barbie cell phone, the car was going straight with no one in it, I was trying my damndest in the back of the minivan trying to get someone (got ben and sara told them what was going on, hung up) Then when I was coming to near the end of the street I turned around and saw a bullet coming at me, so I ducked, then hopped over to the front of the car and drove near the medical center, with all of my abilities i screamed for the family to hop in. They all ran as fast as they could into the car (although i had to keep going and my dad was last in the car because well....he has weight issues) anywho so I end up going to sara's house where we stayed the night before these killers find us, we sneak out and although sara's family think they're great people and Eddie is there? cooking? He gets shot. So eddie in a chefs hat with a bloody mark in his back over a stove. Oh, btw, the house is nothing like sara's house, it's a home in the mountains. My mother gets shot too. she stays in a bed with the killers, the sickos. I only know this because...oh well hold on, back to the killers at saras house, right, well my father and m&m and I hop a train that I end up steering only the map goes off of one paper onto another then onto menus and it ends up being no use and taking us right back to sara now killers home. The killers btw, the lead guy is bald with a goatee and looks a whole lot like gremmy (short for gremlin) the kitchen cook guy. Other than that the rest of the villans resemble a whole beverly hillbilly episode, there's a granny, no chick though, just a bunch of huge doltish idiots with guns. Anywho! We arrive back at the house and end up hiding in the small area, (that's where I see eddie and mom) All I can remember after that is we try to take their car and drive away (we being m&m, dad, and I) only M&M start fighting and dad's tryign his damndest to be gentle and tell them to shtu up which is nothing like dad he was saying stuff lie "Max, Miranda, please be calm, please" in a gentle voice when usually it would be "Max! Miranda! Shut the hell up!" anyway, I was in the background shouting "Leave them, dad. They're too much baggage." We end up driving really fast in a somewhat car chase scene through small neighborhoods and highways when I woke up.

Anywho.

Now I'm slightly hungry seeing I haven't eaten since most likely that soup yesterday morning. No, wait I went to work last night and had some cold french fries...

Point is, I found Robin Hood Men in Tights and now proceed to watch it. I might make myself a grilled swiss or something too..

Ah Sleep! Glorius Sleep! Slumbering from 9-6:30 and not remembering a thing not a single dream, how I love it so. Mom apparently tucked me in and turned off all of my lights because she found me on the floor with my history textbook I had attemtped to read. Bad timing on my part, never try to study for a history exam right before it's nap time. Of course, it was raining outside so that also has the power to knock me out cold in a second, just a few seconds of hearing a trickle and my eyes will close.

In another note, I fear I may be coming down with what my mummy and sissy have. Pity. Just lemme get through this exam, God, that's all I ask.

Stars Form In My Eyes, and Galaxies Appear on My Cheek

You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 80% spiritual. 40% reason-oriented.

An Invisible and Invincible Entity

Disturbing nightmares
scratches
bloody arms
my neck, my poor neck
shivering
crying
people
him
yes him
darkness
gleaming eyes white bright and green
burning
gasping for air but with a smile upon my visage

I just don't understand

fear.

I didn't mean to kill him; I didn't mean to do that.

Talk.

.lufituaeb si efiL

I'm in love with a stranger, and it doesn't matter if I never see him again I will always have him in my mind

I'm about to fail my french III exam and I'm calm and the sky is beautiful and I look like punk


My father is a complete asshole and my mother has a strange illness

and yet I'm perfectly happy and slightly want to fall asleep because the sky suggests that I should be doing just that

I hugged all the members of hot hot heat last night too, (I got to meet them)


and Ben fears for me ^_^


Oh yes, it is beautiful.

Dammit, I said I would not come on the internet

I'm going to kill him.

Or myself.


....


Maybe I should just not answer the phone.

My oh my you know it just don't stop,
It's in my mind I want to tear it up
I try to fight it
Try to turn it off
But it's not enough
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm taking a break from the internet. Right now, my mind is fully awake, but my body is dead. Limp, it takes so much out of me to type and my legs ache. My heart feels as if an adrenaline shot got pumped into it because it is filled with pain and it beats more quickly than usual. I feel delicate; I'm not sure why. I just want to sleep right now, and to be honest I haven't had much of an appetite since i made those chocolate souflees, and when I do eat my stomach gives me hell. I still smile though, but I think it's because of the dreams..

Oh dear, I believe winter has arrived.

A nightmare, people being outside my home when my dad pulled in, I mean, it was like this, I was laying in bed trying to sleep when I heard my father pull in the driveway, I crept on the floor to the window to look, only to see a huge white van and music blasting, then the door opening, and I think Max shouting, woke up at 2 AM shaking.

Did math homework and such becaues I felt like vomiting, fell back asleep around 4 AM.


Still don't feel good, it must of been something I ate.