There's supposed to be a big world out there. Full of danger, and mystery. And it's not. It's the same everywhere. Disgusting.
Goddammit. I've been set up.
I thought about calling up Huggy Bear, telling her about how I have five postcards and a christmas package sitting in my locker since October from little old women at my church and how silly it is that I have not been christian in what feels like a long time. But then she'd wonder why I would call her, and I would find myself begging for forgiveness from her for not going out into the world and succeeding. So much of my life people have told me I am going to do something big, what would happen if I didn't? Only then at begging to her to not be angry with me that I am not going to school next year, only then would I realize it's not her that gives a shit. She was my goddamn english teacher in the 10th and 11th grade. She taught me grammar. That's it. No, it's those miserable parents. I'd break their heart. Again. Like I haven't already a million times over. I don't like being cold with them. Of course, my mother would be cold with me, but she would secretly be crying to herself each night. That's how she's always been, She was like that when Dad was being a bastard to her. I guess that's why I'm here. Expounding to an internet diary that millions of others do each second. I'm no updike of a writer. And it took me to hear praise of another person about how great their writing is that I realized that even I wanted to, I'd just be another dime a dozen paperback novelist. No thank you very much not that. I have nothing to teach. And so far I have not really learned anything in this fucking place so I guess I have nothing to learn either.
I'm miserable because I have no where to go from here.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm actually not miserable right now, (dramatic, oh good god yes) I have James. He is my love and light, but there is more to my life than cuddling with him. I will give him what he wants if he asks for it. Just ask.
I walked into the cafeteria and said to myself. Wait, I'm not hungry. and then left through the long line of people waiting at the cash register.
I don't feel right. Busying my self. Keeping myself busy so I can't enjoy life. Or am I supposed to be right now? I'm so very confused. Even my collegues and friends feel like their drifting into a zombie state of mind. Not reaching themselves into stupidity but more of a state of dullness. I can't take it. I gotta get out somehow. Somehowsomehowsomehowsomehow. I like that word.
